


Fuck You...

by Kamikaze2007



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 18:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikaze2007/pseuds/Kamikaze2007
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Friends are made, relationships are formed, and rivalries burn white hot as the strangest, most exciting chapter of anti-social Karkat Vantas' life unfolds when he moves into an apartment building that prides itself on a sense of community and loving thy neighbor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuck You and Fuck Malls Too

**Author's Note:**

> What started as a request to write a story loosely based off an actual event spiraled out of my control into this series of ten stories about Karkat, Meenah, Terezi and Dave getting themselves into trouble. Where did my life go wrong.

Karkat’s hatred for his new apartment building was rivaled only for his disdain for meeting new people.  Unfortunately for him, these two pet peeves went hand in hand, as everyone who lived in his building was encouraged to greet and befriend everyone who moved in.  His first two weeks were spent trying to convey that he didn’t want to get to know anyone and he was going to take forever unpacking at this rate.  When that failed, he demanded that anyone trying to get to know him needed to help him get his stuff unpacked and set up.  The first person he issued this command to scoffed, rolled his eyes, and walked away.  Karkat’s parting words to him were “Don’t think I can’t see that under your sunglasses, you inconsiderate douche!”

Person after friendly person was thwarted by Karkat’s request before finally, a girl with painfully bright red hair agreed to help, snickering at her new friend’s confused look.  After introducing herself as Terezi Pyrope, the two got to work.  In a matter of hours, everything in Karkat’s apartment was finally in its place.  Now he was required to speak to this strange girl.  What’s more, she insisted they get to know each other over a meal at Applebee’s.  Her treat.  Over the course of the meal, Karkat could feel himself developing feelings for this pretty girl who was insane enough to help him unpack.

But of course, she had to already have a boyfriend. 

“Dave puts on this whole cool guy air that he wants you to play along with.”

“He acted like a complete ass to me,” Karkat mumbled. 

“Oh, don’t worry about him; he’s really nice and sweet once you get to know him.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Karkat said, doing his best to keep his eyes from rolling. 

After that, Karkat and Terezi spoke a little bit, but whenever Terezi tried to bring Dave into the conversation, Karkat made up an excuse to shoo her out of his apartment.  After about a year, someone moved in one floor above Karkat, replacing him as the newest inhabitant of the building.  A week passed before Terezi pestered him about it over a drink. 

“You really should go say hi to the new girl.  Everyone else has or is about to.”

“No,” Karkat shook his head.  “I’m not going to be part of this stupid tradition or whatever.”

“Come on, Karkat!  Don’t you get tired of only ever talking to me?”

“Not really,” Karkat said into his glass. 

“Oh, stop being a hermit crab and just talk to her.  She’s a lot like you, you know.” 

“Okay,” was all Karkat had to say about that.

Terezi’s tone became a teasing one when she raised her eyebrow and said, “You never know, maybe she’ll like you, if you know what I’m saying.” 

Karkat’s face heated up and he averted his eyes, trying to get distracted by something else. “No, that’s crazy, of course not.”

“You never know until you try!”  Terezi slammed the rest of her drink and stood up.  “Okay, I gotta go.  Dave and I have a hot date.  You go talk to the new girl, okay?”

“Yeah, fine.”  Karkat grumbled. 

“See you later!”  And with that, Terezi was out of the apartment.  Karkat spent a good few moments grumbling to himself about not needing friends before finally getting up the courage to meet a new person.

The new girl was in the room directly above Karkat, so it wasn’t much of a hassle finding her new abode.  He stared at the door for a moment before finally sighing and knocking softly.  Maybe if she didn’t hear him, he could leave.  Unfortunately, she did. 

A voice sounded off from inside.  “God damn it, can’t a girl unpack around this joint?  Fucking what do you want?”

“So they’re bugging you as bad as they did me, huh?”  Karkat asked.

A pause.

Karkat swallowed and said something he instantly regretted:  “I can help you unpack, if you need it…”

The door swung open so fast, he thought it would rip off its hinges.  It revealed a girl with long, braided black hair.  Her jeans were entirely too skinny and her multiple face piercings kind of scared him.  Not to mention her black shirt was too small and didn’t do a great job of hiding anything.  “Yo why didn’t you say so sooner?”   Before Karkat could respond, the girl pulled him into the apartment and put him to work.  Over the course of helping her unpack, Karkat learned this Floridian girl’s name, along with some of her interests.  She also spent the whole time using some strange lingo he’d never heard before and making really bad water related puns.

“So Meenah,” Karkat said finally. 

“Hm?”  Her back was to him.  Or, more accurately, her ass was to him, as she was bent over digging through a box for something.  Her butt wasn’t looking half bad in those skinny jeans. 

Focus, Karkat.  He shook his head and asked his question.  “Are you trying to be scene or gangster?”

Meenah paused and stood straight.  She turned to him, a toothbrush in hand and pointed it accusingly at him.  “You got a problem with how I run things, punk?  ‘Cuz if you do, we gon’ have some problems.”

Karkat raised his hands defensively.  “I’m just saying, it’s kind of hard to tell what look you’re trying to pull off here.   You dress scene and speak gangster.  Pick one because both of them are  _not_  going to work, hon.”

Meenah put her hands on her hips and smiled.  “I like you.  You’re sassy.”  She went back to digging through her box.  “So which do you prefer, gangsta Meenah or scene Meenah?”

“Well the gangster thing doesn’t work as well on white people.” 

Meenah shook her ass indignantly.  “Excuse you.  I am black on the inside okay and that’s all that matters.” 

“I’m surprised you didn’t say ‘intide.’”  Karkat remarked.

“Damn it!”  Meenah shouted.

“What, angry that I thought of that one first?”

Meenah stood up and stomped her foot angrily.  “I can’t believe I forgot them!”

“Forgot what?”  Karkat tilted his head to the side.

“Them!  The, like, most important objects in the universe.”

“A Chevy Impala?”

“I don’t understand that reference.”  Meenah snapped at him.  “God damn how could I be so retarded?”  She kicked over the box she was digging through.

“Hey hey, calm down.”  Karkat papped her shoulder.  “Can they be replaced?  We can go to the mall and get new ones.”

Meenah looked at him with an awed expression.  “You have a mall?”

“Yeah, duh.”  Karkat said.

“You should show me around there!  If it has the right store I totally know I can replace what I lost.”

“Yeah, I can show you around.  Sure.”

Meenah latched on to Karkat’s arm happily.  “Rad.  It’s a date, then!”  She released Karkat’s arm and scurried to her room.  “Lemme change my threads.  No peeking!”  Despite this, she left her door wide open.  It must have been from excitement.  Anyway, Karkat followed her orders and didn’t look in her room because honestly, this wasn’t a porno and he wasn’t going to get any by looking in on a girl changing her shirt. Meenah wasn’t absent long before she came back out of her room with a slightly less dirty black t-shirt on.  This one had a fuchsia Pisces emblazoned on the chest and still didn’t do much in the way of modesty.  She dragged him out of the apartment, hastily locked it, and had him lead the two to his car.  He was driving of course, because he knew his way around. 

They arrived at the local mall and Meenah took a moment to inspect its outside appearance.  “It looks like it’s big enough.”  Then she snorted as they started for the building.

“What?”

“That’s what she said.”

Karkat rolled his eyes.  “The mall only looks bigger on the outside.  Really, there’s not much to do here.”

“Anything good in the food court?”  Meenah asked.

“There’s a Chick-Fil-A that’s pretty good.”  Karkat said.

“Fuck no man we’re not eating there.  They don’t support me.”  Meenah shook her head violently.  “Fuck those guys.”

“You’re gay?” Karkat asked.

“Well, bi, but whatever.  They don’t support no one but their own straight white asses.”

“Yeah, whatever.  There’s a Ruby Tuesday.” 

“I love that place!  We should drop in there after we’re done.  Your treat of course.”   Karkat groaned and gave Meenah a maybe before they entered the building on the food court side.  Meenah took a judging look and hummed.  “The fountain here’s not as grand as the one back home, but it’s not bad.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of a lame-ass mall.”   Karkat said.  “But it’s got enough, I guess.”

“Let’s go find the stuff I need.”  Meenah said.  Karkat didn’t actually know where this store she needed was, so he set off towards the GameStop, which was the only place he came to the mall for.  The first store was a Hot Topic which Meenah said she was going to look at on the way out.  They made it two more stores down before Karkat saw them.  Out of the GameStop walked a familiar blonde douche and his beautiful ginger girlfriend. 

Karkat gasped.  “Shit.  Not Dave.  Fuck fuck fuck.”

“What?  You don’t like those guys?”

“Not in the slightest.”  Karkat looked around and saw that the door for the store they were in front of was open.  “Hurry and get in here before they see me.”

“But this isn’t my store.”  Meenah protested.  Karkat pushed her in and followed right after just in time to avoid getting noticed by Dave and Terezi. 

“Whew, that was close…”  Karkat said as he hid behind a rack, watching the two walk by. 

“What’s up with them?”  Meenah asked.

“Well the girl’s alright, but the guy is a huge dick.  Don’t even try to get along with him.”

Meenah shrugged.  “Okay.  Can we stop hiding now I can feel my dignity up an’ walking away.” 

Karkat had to triple check and make sure Dave and Terezi were gone before he would stand up straight.  Once he did, he looked around to see which store they’d ducked into.  “Oh shit.”  He groaned.

“What?”

“We’re in the—“ Before he could finish, an employee approached the kind-of couple with a bright smile.

“Hello, welcome to the Motherhood maternity store.  I’m Jane and I’ll be helping you today.  Are you shopping for you?”

Karkat blushed while Meenah put her hands on her hips and shifted her weight to one foot.  “Do I look preggers to you, girl?  I’m a stick!”

Jane’s smile faded.  “I’m sorry, ma’am.  I figured a couple coming in here would be shopping for themselves.”

“Oh no, no no no.”  Karkat insisted.  “We’re just, uh, ducking in here for a moment.  We’ll leave right away.” 

Jane’s smile was totally gone now as she realized these two weren’t going to buy anything.  “Have a good day.”

“Yeah,” was all Karkat had to say before they slipped out of the store quickly. 

“That was the most embarrassing thing ever.”  Meenah said, her face flushing a bit.  “I can’t believe you pushed me into a maternity store.” 

“Sorry, it was the only one nearby.”  Karkat said, though he wasn’t really that sorry. 

“Whatever.  Let’s get my shit and go.” 

“Works for me.” 

They wandered a few stores down before Meenah looked at a store sign and gasped.  “Shit, son!”  She drew out the I in shit long enough for Karkat to count to eight.  “Your mall has a Spencer’s?”

Karkat looked at the store and the various video game related hats hanging just within view from the outside.  “Uh, yeah.  I never go in there, though.  It kind of freaks me out.”

“Dude, Spencer’s is the shit!  God damn you saved my ass by bringing me here! This is exactly the store I was looking for.  I could kiss you.”

Karkat’s face heated up.  “Oh, it was nothing.  Really.”  Meenah grabbed his hand and dragged him into the strange store.  They looked around for a few moments before Karkat found a rack holding a bunch of clothes for toddlers with sassy and crude phrases scrawled on them.  One said something about sucking titties and running the joint or something.  “So, what did you forget that you needed here?”

Meenah got distracted by the various TV show T-shirts.  “What?  Oh, the shit I forgot in Floriddy?  Right I should snag that.  Walk this way.”  She led him to the back of the store.  The scary part of the store that sold questionable items.  Karkat started thinking about what his new friend could have possibly left in Florida that they sold here.  His worst fears were confirmed when Meenah picked up a blue object and caressed it lovingly.  “Hello, new friend.  You’re going straight in my pants.”

Karkat watched this display with a look of shock and horror.  “A…A dildo?  That’s what you forgot?”

“It wasn’t all I forgot.”  She snagged a foreign looking object from the shelf.  “Vibrator too.”

“I didn’t think you’d have this kind of thing…”  Karkat said, watching as she picked a second long toy from the rack.  This one was slightly longer than the last and pink. 

“Oh, this one vibrates!  It’s two in one!  Aw yeah I’m getting it on tonight.”  She cooed.  It was now that she seemed to hear him.  “Oh, right.  Of course I have toys.  A girl’s gotta have fun.”  She winked at him and headed for the cash register.  Karkat followed her, eager to get out of the sex toys.  As the guy manning the cash register packed Meenah’s toys into her bag, he gave Karkat a sly wink that seemed to be congratulatory.  He must have thought they were together too. 

Meenah totally forgot about her wish to go to Ruby Tuesday and they walked out straight to the car.  Karkat awkwardly listened as an eager Meenah told him vague details about some of the fun things she used to do.  Apparently she knew a girl who knew how to get pretty damn kinky with duct tape and a plastic spoon.  Karkat insisted she keep that story to herself. 

Karkat walked her back to her apartment and as she walked back in, she said back to him, “You know, you could join me if you want.”  She put her hands on her hips, wiggled her ass a bit, and looked back at him winking while all he could do was stutter and blush.  She laughed at his being flustered.  “No, I understand, it’s fast for you.”  She turned so she was facing him now.  “See you later?”

“Uh, sure, I guess.”  Karkat finally mumbled out.

“Okay, later!”  Meenah gave him a hug and went back inside her apartment.

That night, Karkat lie awake in his bed, trying desperately for sleep.  He would be asleep and forgetting today’s events, but the thoughts of what Meenah was doing exactly a floor up were plaguing him and giving him mental images he didn’t want.  If he was extra quiet, he could faintly hear something from Meenah’s room directly above.  What was it? 

Oh.

Moaning.  She was moaning.  Great.

Sure, he made a friend and, if he wanted to pursue her that way, a love interest that day, but Karkat really had to wonder:

Was it  _really_  worth it?


	2. Fuck You and Fuck Lies Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi has tragic news to share that could mean Karkat making a move, but will Meenah let him find out? Who knows.

There aren’t many ways to get to know someone that work as well as listening to them pleasuring themselves.  Because of this, Karkat Vantas knew Meenah Peixes far better than he ever intended to.  It wasn’t his fault, though.  It’s not like he wanted her to be living in the apartment directly above his.  It’s not like he’s the one who made the walls so thin.  It’s not like he drove her to the mall to buy her toys.  Oh wait, he did actually do that.  Still, it’s not like he knew that’s what they were at the mall for in the first place.

Thankfully Meenah wasn’t the only person in the building Karkat would willingly talk to.  Terezi Pyrope, the other girl in his life was significantly less open with him than Meenah was.  In fact, Meenah and Terezi were completely different people.  Meenah was loud and spontaneous and Terezi was slightly more reserved and planned things out to an extent.  They got along well enough when they had to but they were polar opposites.  It seemed the only thing they had in common were boobs and a vagina.  But there was one other thing that tied Meenah and Terezi together.

Karkat was attracted to both of them.

He grew attached to Terezi pretty quickly, but it took him a bit longer to get used to Meenah. Then again, it took most people a while to get used to Meenah.  Some even quit trying and just abandoned trying to get to know this strange girl that couldn’t seem to decide whether she was scene or gangster.  Karkat felt this was a shame, because she really was a sweet girl underneath the tough façade she put on.  She was also really fun and her spontaneity added some variety to his otherwise monotonous lifestyle.  Many a day was turned from having a drink to taking a trip to the mall or the skate park because Meenah would stop, stare into space for a moment, and announce that she wanted to do something.  Karkat would oblige and their day would turn into an adventure.  Especially if the skate park was involved.  The first time they went there was the first time Karkat had been to such a place and Meenah gave him some tips and taught him the basics of skating.  So of course, the first time he tried anything simpler than going forward was the biggest half pipe in the park, which only ended in tears and blood. 

Later that day, when Meenah was fixing him up, she was congratulating him on being a brave soul and a “crazy ass-fucker.”

“Hey there, watch where you put the emphasis,” Karkat replied.  “Someone might get the wrong idea.” 

In response to that, all Meenah did was wink.

Terezi, on the other hand, wasn’t as spontaneous as Meenah was, but she was almost as fun on most days.  Along with having a cute laugh and being genuinely beautiful, there was just something about Terezi that made Karkat’s heart do weird things he couldn't describe.  Unfortunately, she was already taken by one Dave Strider.  He was the bane of Karkat’s existence and how he managed to attract such a lovely lady was far beyond Karkat. 

Despite his disdain for opening up to people, one day he confessed these feelings to Meenah over a drink.

“Man that blows hardcore.”  She said, puffing her cheeks.

“Yeah, it does.  And I wish I wasn’t such a suckerfish for her.”

Meenah’s eyes lit up and she clapped.  “Suckerfish!  That’s a great one!”  That was how one got on Meenah’s good side:  fish puns of questionable quality.  “Anyway, what are you gonna do about it?  I mean it’s not like you can tell her.”

“Not without Dave throwing my ass down the stairs I can’t.”  Karkat sighed into his drink.  “I guess I just move on.  Bigger and better things, you know?”

“Oh my fucking god Karkat.”

“What?” 

Meenah looked at him and crossed her arms disapprovingly.  “I can’t believe you didn’t use ‘there’s other fish in the sea.’  And I thought we were friends.”

Karkat sighed.  “Fine.  There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.  There, happy?”

Meenah’s smile returned and she nodded.  “Very.”

Now, if Karkat ever had any luck, he would have moved on after that and all would be well.  Unfortunately, nothing was ever that easy for Karkat Vantas.  A few months later, Meenah decided to break out the alcohol and that night Karkat went home in a drunken stupor after a couple beer-induced makeouts neither of them would remember in the morning.  When the morning came, Meenah was awoken with the sound of Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green.  She made her way to the living room to find the source of the music: Karkat’s forgotten cell phone.  Someone was calling him, but he was in the wrong apartment to answer.  Meenah decided to answer it for him.  “Yo, this should be Karkat but homie left it at my place.  What’s up?”

Terezi’s voice on the other end sounded depressed and let down.  “Oh.  I’m sorry.”

“No it’s not your fault,” Meenah said, “Karkat’s dumb ass left it here.”  This earned a weak chuckle from Terezi.  “So what’s up, girlfriend?  You don’t sound so hot.”

Terezi sniffled.  “I wanted to talk to Karkat about something.  But if he’s not available…”

“Oh, he’s probably knocked out right now.  You can talk to me about it, though.” 

“Really?  You don’t have to listen to me whine.”

“A friend of Karkat’s is a friend of mine.  Come on down girl, we’ll talk about it over a drink.”

“Thank you so much,” Terezi said.  “I’ll be right up.”

Meenah put the phone back where she found it and felt the sharp pain of a hangover.  “Augh, okay.  Drinks for Terezi, not me.”

A few moments later, Terezi arrived at Meenah’s apartment and they had a seat on her couch.  “So home girl, what’s wrong?”

Terezi took a deep breath and started explaining.  “About a month ago, I woke up one day and my vision was kind of blurry.  We didn’t think anything of it, you know, because maybe it was just something in my eye.  Well, it didn’t go away for a few days, so we went to a doctor to see if maybe he could figure out what’s wrong.”

“And what was wrong?”  Meenah asked.

Terezi paused and finally said, “I’m going to go blind.” 

Meenah gasped.  “Get.  Out.  Except no stay here and tell me more.  You’re not serious.”

Terezi nodded gravely.  “I’m dead serious.  The doctor said that it just happens to some people.  And there’s nothing I can do.”  She put her head in her hands and sobbed.  “I’m gonna go blind and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it.”

“Oh, hon, I’m so sorry.”  Meenah put a comforting arm around Terezi.  “What did Dave say about it?”

“That’s the rest of the reason I’m here.  Dave’s horrible about it.  He won’t stop making stupid jokes about it.  He thinks they’ll cheer me up but his jokes are really insensitive and not one hasn’t been a sight pun.”

Meenah shook her head.  “I can’t believe that.  You don’t just joke about losing your vision to someone who’s doing just that.  Shit’s whack, yo.”

“I know!”  Terezi shook her head.  “It’s been going on for weeks and my vision’s not getting any better.”

“How do I look?”  Meenah asked.

Terezi focused on her and finally said, “I can tell it’s you, but some things are just really blurry.  I can hardly make out your face.”

Meenah pursed her lips.  “That sucks.  And Dave still won’t ease up on the jokes?”

“Nope.  I’ve actually been thinking about…”  Terezi paused.

“What?”  Meenah asked.

“That’s why I wanted to ask Karkat about this.  He’s really good about this relationship stuff.”

“Come on, what were you gonna ask him?”  Meenah insisted.

“I might break up with Dave if he doesn’t stop.”  Terezi said nervously. 

Meenah gasped.  “Are you serious?  How long have you two been going out?”

“Two years…”  Terezi sobbed.  “But you know, if he’s going to be a jerk about it the whole time and not help me at all, then I don’t think I have a choice.”

Meenah nodded.  “Yeah?”

Terezi nodded and sobbed again.  “I’m sorry; you probably don’t want to hear this.”

“No, it’s okay, really.  Ain’t no thing.  Want me to go beat Dave up for you?”

Terezi chuckled weakly again.  “No, it’s fine.  I’ll think about what I’m going to do in my room now.”

“Okay.  Wait, if you need anything, have my phone number.”  Meenah offered.  A quick phone number exchange later, Meenah and Terezi shared a hug and Meenah sent her on her way. 

 

 

* * *

Slightly earlier that morning, Karkat awoke with a throbbing headache.  He wasn’t as good about hangovers as Meenah was, so he just lay in his bed in only his boxers for a few hours.  Finally, he reached for his night stand to grab his phone and text his old buddy from back when he was a kid.  When his hand met nothing, he panicked.  Then he realized he probably left his phone at Meenah’s apartment.  “Fuck,” he groaned before rolling over for a few more moments of rest. 

Finally, he had the energy to get out of bed and get dressed so he could go get his phone back from Meenah.  He made his way upstairs and was about to knock on Meenah’s door when it swung open to reveal Terezi exiting with watery eyes.  “Terezi?  What are you doing here?  Are you okay?” 

Terezi swallowed hard and moved out of his way.  “I don’t feel like explaining it again.  Meenah will tell you, alright?” 

“Okay, I guess.”  With that, Terezi walked away and Meenah invited Karkat in solemnly.  “What’s wrong?”  Karkat demanded.

Meenah was about to tell him the whole story, but something stopped her.  Something about that concerned look on his face unnerved her.  She could tell that he still really did care for Terezi judging by the look he gave her when he saw her crying.  She figured that if Terezi did break up with Dave, it was only a matter of time before she got with Karkat.  That presented a problem because Meenah found herself really liking Karkat.  Almost as much as he liked Terezi.  So now it came down to whether she wanted to help her friend possibly get with the girl of his dreams or if she wanted to make up a lie and help herself. 

“Well?”  Karkat crossed his arms, starting to get impatient. 

Finally, Meenah made a split second decision and said, “Terezi and Dave are moving out.”

Karkat’s jaw dropped and his arms slumped to his side.  “They’re what?”

Meenah was mentally slapping herself but nodded.  “Oh yeah, they’re packing up and heading to, uh, Cali.” 

Karkat looked down in disappointment.  “Oh.  Why was she crying?”

“Because she wanted to talk to you before they left and you weren’t here.”  Meenah bit her tongue.  The hole she was digging herself was getting deeper and deeper with every word out of her mouth.

“Well, I am now, so why didn’t she stay?”

“Oh, uh, Dave.  Dave called and he needs her in their apartment now.”  Karkat didn’t seem to notice her usual demeanor was gone and she was very obviously nervous.  Instead, he grabbed his phone and headed for the door. 

“Well, if that asshole thinks he can just take her away without letting her say goodbye to me; he’s got another thing coming.” 

Meenah was going to warn him not to go, but before she could get anything out of her mouth, the door had been slammed shut.  She stared at the door and realized that by lying to Karkat, she was possibly driving him even closer to Terezi.  Especially if he found out about the lie, which he was definitely about to do.

Karkat knocked on the door to Terezi and Dave’s apartment moments later and prayed that Dave would not answer the door.  Fortunately, Terezi opened the door and after a second, recognized Karkat.  “Oh, hey Karkat.  What’s up?”  She asked.  Before he said anything, Karkat took her into a hug.  Terezi was surprised, but hugged him back.  “Oh, okay.  A hug.  Alright.  I assume Meenah told you?”

“She told me everything.  And I just wanna say that—“ Karkat started, but Terezi put her hand over his mouth to interrupt him.

“Shush, let’s talk about this at your place, okay?”  Karkat was confused, but agreed and lead Terezi back to his apartment.  Finally, they settled down and Terezi took a breath.  “Okay, what were you going to say?”

“Right.  I was gonna say I don’t want you to leave,” Karkat said looking directly at Terezi.  He found it strange that Terezi was unable to return his gaze and was instead staring confused in his face’s general direction.

“Leave?  But I’m not…leaving.”

Now it was Karkat’s turn to look confused.  “You’re not?” 

“I don’t know where you got this idea.  I’m staying right here.  Well, I might have to move depending on whether I’m breaking up with Dave or not.” 

“Doing what with Dave?”

After a moment, Terezi sighed.  “Meenah didn’t tell you everything, did she?”

 

 

* * *

Meenah heard the knock on her door and had a feeling she knew what was on the other side.  She opened the door and sure enough, Karkat was on the other side, his arms crossed and one foot tapping the floor.  “Oh, hi Karkat.”  Meenah tried being cheery, but she looked and sounded very guilty.

“Meenah.”  Karkat nodded, not even trying to disguise his anger.  He shifted his weight to one foot.

“So I guess Terezi told you the truth?”  Karkat solemnly nodded in response.  Meenah turned around and walked away from the door.  “Well, go ahead.  Come in and yell at me all you want.”

Karkat walked in and closed the door behind him.  Meenah flinched at the sound, even though he didn’t close it with much extra force.  “Chill out, I’m not going to go full bitch mode.”  Karkat said, keeping his distance all the same.

“Not like you did to those bitches in Hot Topic, right?”  Meenah asked timidly.

Karkat chuckled.  “Yeah, not like those bitches in Hot Topic.”  Then he shook his head.  He was supposed to be angry at her!  “But I’m still mad as hell.”

Meenah kept her back to him still.  “I know.  I’m sorry.” 

Karkat had never heard this girl so soft-spoken.  “Why did you do it?”

“Because I knew what you’d tell Terezi to do.  You’d tell her to dump the shit out of that guy and then hook up with you.  And that’s exactly what you told her, didn’t you?”  With this last sentence, Meenah whipped around—almost hitting Karkat with her obscenely long braids—and her tone became accusing.

“No, that would only benefit me.”  Karkat shook his head.  “I want her to do what’s best for her.  I told her to tell Dave she doesn’t like the jokes and give him a week or two to realize that.   _Then_  dump his sorry ass if she needs to.” 

Meenah calmed down.  “Oh.  So I lied to you because I was scared of nothing.  Fucking great.”  She turned around again and crouched down.  She was hugging her knees to her chest and her chin was perched on her knees.

“Why were you scared of me giving Terezi advice specifically to get her to be with me?”  Karkat asked, his voice softening.

“Because I can tell you still love her.” Meenah mumbled.

“Uh, not so much, anymore.”  Karkat said, letting his arms rest at his side.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”  Meenah immediately dismissed what Karkat said.

“Am not!  I’m telling you the truth.  Right now, I love Terezi more like a sister than anything else.  I know I have no chance in hell with her ever, so it’s like why torture myself, you know?” 

“I know everything except the last part.  Trust me.” 

Karkat stepped closer to Meenah cautiously.  “What’s going on?  Why were you afraid that I’d try to get with Terezi?”

Meenah jumped up, turned, and pushed Karkat to the floor.  “Because, _I_ like you, you dipshit!” 

Karkat looked up at her with a surprised look on his face.  “You do?”

Meenah rolled her eyes.  “Of course I do!  It’s only been very fucking obvious for weeks now!”

Karkat got up and rubbed his ass, trying to soothe the pain from falling flat on it.  “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.  But that doesn’t excuse lying to me.  If you’re trying to get me on your good side, you’ll have to start by being truthful.”

Meenah gripped her left upper arm with her right hand.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I let jealousy get the better of me and it was stupid, I know.  You probably never want to talk to me again.”  She sobbed.  Tears had started welling up in her eyes.

With a sigh, Karkat walked over and took Meenah in a hug.  Meenah was predictably surprised, but quickly returned the hug.  “Of course I’ll want to talk to you again.  You just have to promise not to lie to me about stuff like this, okay?”  

Meenah pulled away from the hug and looked Karkat dead in the eye.  “You’ve got yourself a deal!  I promise never to lie to you about this kind of thing ever ever again.” 

Karkat smiled and wiped a tear from Meenah’s cheek and let her out of the hug.  “Thank you.  Now I’m gonna go cool down in my apartment for today, okay?”

“Wait.  We have to seal the deal somehow.”  Meenah said before he could turn to leave.

“Oh, uh, sure, I guess.”  Karkat held out his hand.  “Shake on it?”  Meenah took his hand, but before he could shake it, she gripped it hard and pulled him in close for a kiss.  When she pulled away, Karkat nodded in shock.  “Okay.  A kiss works too.”

“That’s how real men seal a deal sweetheart.”  Meenah said.  As Karkat turned to leave the apartment, Meenah sent him on his way with a swift smack to the ass.

As Karkat left the apartment, he said back into it, “You’re one crazy ass-fucker, you know that right?”

“Watch where you put the…”  Meenah started, but then she understood what he was referencing.  The two shared a wink as Karkat closed the door behind him.


	3. Fuck You and Fuck Applebee's Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi invites Karkat and Meenah to Applebee's for a double date and Karkat's disdain for Dave reaches new heights.

“Oh yeah, Karkat, just like that,” Meenah groaned in pleasure while arching her back.  She was leaning back on her couch and gripping the cushions to her side tightly.  “Just like that, oh yeah…”  Her various moans and groans continued until Karkat’s phone rang, ruining everything.  Karkat stopped what he was doing on the ground of Meenah’s apartment and fished into his pocket to grab his phone.  “Oh no, don’t stop.”  Meenah groaned in protest.

“Oh hush, I was only giving you a foot rub,” Karkat said.  “By the way you were moaning someone would think I was eating you out or something.”

“You  _would_  know what that sounds like, wouldn’t you?”  Meenah said, winking and leaning forward.  Karkat blushed and answered his phone. 

“Hey Karkat,” Terezi said on the other end.  “Are you doing anything Friday night?”

Karkat ran through his mental calendar and turned to Meenah. “Are we doing anything on Friday?”  Meenah shrugged in response and he spoke into his phone.  “No, I’m free, why?”

“Is Meenah free too?”  Terezi asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Wanna go on a double date with me and Dave?  We’re going to Applebee’s!”

Karkat froze and clenched his phone tightly.  “Let me ask Meenah.”  He turned to her and put his other hand over his phone.  “Hey, Terezi wants us to go to Applebee’s with her on a double date on Friday.  How does that sound?”  After he finished his sentence, he shook his head violently, as if asking her to decline.  He  _really_  didn’t want to be in the same room as Dave, much less at the same table.

Meenah smiled wickedly and, despite Karkat’s silent protests, said “sure thing” as loud as she could to make sure Terezi heard.

“Awesome!” was the nearly blind girl’s response.  “Meet us there at 8 and dress up at least a little nice, okay?”

“Okay, sure.”  Karkat mumbled.  

“See you then,” Terezi said before hanging up. 

Karkat groaned and turned back to Meenah.  “Why did you agree to that?  You know I hate Dave.”

“Yes, but I also know you’re Terezi’s best friend ever.  You can put up with him for her, can’t you? “

Karkat sighed.  “I guess.” 

“Now that that’s settled,” Meenah leaned back on the couch again and put her foot in Karkat’s lap.  “Please continue what you were doing earlier.”

Karkat smirked and pushed her foot off him.  “No.” 

Meenah raised an eyebrow and lifted her foot menacingly.  “Do you really wanna deny me when my foot is so close to your dick?”

Karkat quickly positioned himself next to her on the couch and smiled.  “You were saying?” 

“You son of a bitch,” Meenah chuckled before leaning in to give Karkat a kiss.

 

* * *

That Friday, Karkat stood outside Meenah’s bedroom with a somewhat fancy suit on tapping his foot on the floor.  “Are you ready in there yet?” He called in. 

“Hold your damn horses,” Meenah shouted back. 

“We’re going to be late,” Karkat reminded her, trying to stay calm.

“I’m literally ten seconds away from being done I promise.”

Exactly twenty seconds later, Meenah stepped out of her room wearing the most amazing dress Karkat had ever seen.  The slim-fitting pink dress cascaded in folds down to her ankles and was dotted with sparkles almost like stars.  The straps went so seamlessly from strap to bunched up fabric that it almost looked like a big fancy toga, but less primitive.  Her hair, instead of being in its usual braids, cascaded down her back in neat, nicely combed black waves.  “How do I look?”  Meenah asked.

Karkat took a second to absorb the magnificent sight before nodding.  “You look great.  I didn’t think you’d ever wear pink though.”

Meenah punched his arm.  “It’s tyrian purple, you jackass!”

“Details, details,” Karkat waved her off and proceded to the door.  “We gotta get going.”

“Not so fast.”  Meenah grabbed his collar, pulled him to her and turned him around to face her.  “There’s one more thing,” she said.

“What is it?” Karkat demanded.  “We don’t have all ni—“ his complaint was cut short by Meenah pulling him in for a kiss.  While he enjoyed the kiss, it felt like it lasted an eternity, so when she finally let him go, he thanked her before wheeling around and high tailing it to the car. 

 

* * *

Karkat pulled into the Applebee’s parking lot and sighed before getting out of the car.  He started heading for the restaurant before realizing Meenah was not yet out of the car.  “Are you coming or are you just gonna sit in there all night?”  He asked.

Meenah crossed her arms and huffed.  She said something but her door was closed so Karkat could barely hear her.  He opened the passenger door to hear her and she stepped out of the car at last.  “I said, I was waiting for you to open my door for me like a gentleman.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and closed the door behind her.  “Okay fine, can we go now?” 

“I’m not the one loitering next to the car,” Meenah teased, already heading for the building.  Karkat caught up to her and she grasped his hand.  “So who’s meeting us up front?”

“Terezi is,” Karkat answered. 

“Okay yeah, send the nearly blind girl to find the other half of your double date, that’s a wonderful idea,” Meenah said rolling her eyes. 

“You have to remember that Dave’s a douchebag.”  Karkat reminded her.  He wasn’t saying this just because he hated Dave.  About a half a year ago, Terezi had learned she was going blind.  Dave, of course, proceeded to constantly make jokes that he knew offended Terezi.  After a rough patch in which Terezi contemplated breaking up with him, she made her feelings about the jokes clear and Dave lightened up on them.  At least, that’s what Karkat had heard.  In the time it took Karkat to mull over these past events, they found Terezi standing in front of the entrance, squinting at them as if she was making sure it was them. 

Meenah waved and said, “hey Terezi!” 

Terezi’s expression brightened and she waved right back.  “Hi guys!”  She gave them both a hug and looked them up and down.  “I can barely see you but Meenah, you look gorgeous!” 

“Thanks, you look like a million bucks yourself!”  Meenah said.  Karkat nodded in agreement after quickly examining Terezi’s simple, tight-fitting, teal dress. 

Terezi turned to take them inside but Karkat stopped her.  “Hey, what about me?  Where’s my compliment?”

Terezi squinted at him and nodded.  “You look alright I guess.”  After sharing a laugh with Meenah at Karkat’s expense, she again turned to get inside. 

“Hold up, girl,” Meenah grabbed her shoulder and stopped her again.

“What is it now?”  Terezi asked.  “I’d like to get inside before I freeze my ass off.” 

Meenah looked at Karkat and said, “The guy should hold the door open for his date.” 

Kakrat rolled his eyes and held the door for both Meenah and Terezi.  Once inside, Terezi led them to the booth table where Dave was sitting.  Karkat noticed he was still wearing his stupid sunglasses and fought the urge to snatch them off his face and yell at him for wearing those to a date.

Dave smiled and greeted Terezi with a kiss.  “Have I mentioned how much I love that dress, babe?”  He said.

“No, I don’t think you have,” Terezi replied.

“Well, I do.  It shows off your tits really well.”

“Get a room,” Karkat jeered.  Dave shot him a look that had to be a glare under his idiotic sunglasses, but forced a laugh. 

“Right, yeah.  Plenty of time for that later, am I right?” 

Terezi shook her head and grabbed her menu.  “Let’s just figure out what we’re getting.”  She hid her face in the menu either because she could only read close up or to hide her blush.

Moments later, their waitress approached them.  This girl beamed at them and asked them in her obnoxious southern accent what drinks they were going to have.  Dave ordered some form of alcohol, Meenah and Karkat both ordered some generic soda brand and Terezi proved that there really _is_ always one weirdo ordering water.    After all the drinks were ordered, the nice girl performed some weird little bow and walked away, narrowly avoiding a rowdy drunk slowly making his way outside.

Their drinks couldn't even make it to the table before trouble started.

“Dave, I need help,” Terezi said. 

“What’s up, babe?”  Dave responded, either looking through his menu or checking out someone’s ass.

“I can’t read this menu.”

“What, are we in kindergarten now?”  Dave asked.  “You can read the menu.” 

“No, I can’t.  No matter how close I get to the menu I can’t read the words.”  Terezi shook her head after trying once again to read the menu.

“What does it matter?  You know what’s on the menu at fucking Applebee’s.”

“No, I don’t,” Terezi shot back, obviously getting annoyed.  “I only know what I’ve had before.”

“Okay, then get something you’ve had before.”

Terezi huffed and put her menu down.  “Dave, you know I get something different every time we come here.”

“Then stop that and get something not different.”  Dave said, clearly thinking that was the cleverest thing he had said all day. 

“No, I’ve been getting something new every time for the last month’s worth of meals we’ve eaten here and I’m not stopping now.  Now help me read the menu,” Terezi demanded, shoving her menu in Dave’s face. 

“How about fuck you,” Dave said shoving it back at her.  He smirked and said, “Oh right, I’m going to later.”

“Not with that attitude, you won’t,” Terezi nearly shouted.  “Now help me read the menu!”  She forced her menu into his hands. 

Karkat just thought he would have to intervene when Dave finally took the menu.  Figures it would take the threat of an uneventful night for him to comply.  He glanced through it and said, “Get some fucking chicken tenders.”

“I got those last time,” Terezi protested. 

“Well it seems you’re out of luck, then.”  Dave carelessly tossed the menu back to Terezi without another word.  The corner of the laminated paper poked Terezi in the eye and she recoiled with a loud yelp. 

“Terezi, are you okay?” Karkat stood up so fast he nearly knocked the table over and rushed to Terezi’s side. 

“No, that fucking hurt,” Terezi whined.  Her eye was red and she was fighting back tears. 

Karkat stood up and motioned to a nearby server.  “Should I ask that guy for ice or something or what do you need?”

Before Terezi could respond, Dave said, “The only thing she needs is to stop blubbering.  It couldn’t have hurt that bad.” 

Karkat almost punched the guy right then.  “Oh yeah?  How about I jam the corner of a laminated menu in your eye and see you muscle through it, tough guy?” 

Dave stood up and stared at Karkat menacingly.  “Is that a threat?”

Karkat spread his arms out and cocked his head to the side.  “And what if it is?  You’d deserve it.  After all, an eye for an eye.”

“Not when one eye barely works,” Dave shot back, getting menacingly close to Karkat. 

He took the opportunity to snatch the sunglasses off of Dave’s stupid face.  “Try to look threatening without wearing your stupid douchebag glasses indoors, why don’t you?”

Dave snatched his glasses out of Karkat’s hand.  “Dude.  Don’t you dare touch my sunglasses.  Not cool.”

“You know what’s not cool?” Karkat shot back.  “Throwing a menu at your girlfriend’s eye!” 

“I didn’t mean to hit her eye.”  Dave insisted. 

“You shouldn’t have been throwing it in the first place!”

That’s when their waitress intervened.  “Excuse me, but you’re making a disturbance, may I ask you to move your dispute outside?”

Dave shook his head.  “We’re fine; we’ll just sit back down now.”

“Oh no we’re not.  I need to have a serious word with you.  We’re taking this outside.”  Karkat said, practically growling.

Dave sighed.  “You asked for it.”  He donned his glasses left without another word. 

Karkat turned to the waitress.  “Excuse me, but can you take care of this poor girl and get her what she needs?”  He motioned toward Terezi, who had buried her face in her hands and started crying.

The waitress nodded.  “Yes sir.”

“Thank you.”  Karkat then stormed outside.  Meenah, after making sure Terezi would be okay, went to try to keep him out of trouble.

That didn’t work out too well.

Once outside, Karkat walked up to Dave and snatched his glasses off his face again.  “You really are a grade-A douchenozzle, aren’t you?  First the blind jokes and now this?  What kind of boyfriend are you?”

“How did you know about the blind jokes?” Dave asked.

“I’m the one who convinced her not to dump your sorry ass because of them!  Now I see she should have left you when she had the chance.” 

“Don’t you talk like that,” Dave threatened.  “Now give me my shades back before I do something you’ll regret.” 

Karkat’s grip on them tightened.  “Not a chance.” 

“Do it.  Now.”  Dave’s voice was getting louder. 

“Not before you go in there and apologize to poor Terezi.”  Karkat demanded.

“For what?”

“For everything.” 

If looks could kill they would both be six feet under by now, but neither of them made a move.  Dave shook his head and held out his hand, silently demanding that his sunglasses be returned.

“Are these pieces of shit more important to you than your own girlfriend?”  Karkat said, honestly taken aback.

“No, but I’m not going back in there without them.”

“I am astounded at your selfishness,” Karkat said as Meenah made her way outside.  Before she could say anything to either of them, Karkat lost it.  “Fine!  If you want your stupid baby glasses back so bad,  _take them!"_   He shoved the sunglasses into Dave’s chest.  This knocked Dave back and he had to take a step backwards and off the sidewalk to avoid falling on his ass. 

Unfortunately, nobody saw the pickup truck going excessively fast through the Applebee’s parking lot until it had slammed into the Strider with a sickening crunch.

 

* * *

His cell phone rang again from its perch on the table.  Karkat stared at it from the couch and made no move to answer it.  He knew exactly who was calling and exactly why she was calling him.  He simply stared at the phone and waited for it to be silent.  After what felt like an eternity, the ringing stopped.  He heard an angry knocking on his roof.  Meenah was stomping her feet angrily from the floor above.  The stomping stopped and he heard a door slam.  Exactly ten seconds later, Meenah stormed into his apartment and scared him off the couch.  She was obviously livid but what shocked and kind of scared Karkat was that she rushed down a floor fully clothed on her bottom half but only wearing a bra on her torso.   Her hair wasn’t even done in their usual braids yet.  “Okay, asswipe, we’re having a talk right here and now.”  She demanded. 

Karkat moved from behind the couch to stand directly in front of Meenah.  “Okay, sure, but shouldn’t you put a shirt on first?”

“What, is this distracting you?  Here, let me help make that better so you’ll fucking talk.”  Meenah rolled her eyes and turned around.  Karkat thought she was going to go back upstairs and put a shirt on but instead she slammed his door closed, locked it, wheeled around and reached behind her back.  Without a word, Meenah let her bra fall to the floor.  Karkat opened his mouth to say that she just made it more distracting but before he could get the words out, Meenah grabbed his hand and placed it on her exposed breast.  “There.  Now your urge has been taken care of and we’re going to talk.”

Karkat sighed and felt his face heat up.  “Okay.  Fine.  What do you want to talk about?”

“Homegirl and I are going to go visit Dave in the hospital.  Are you coming with us?”  Karkat looked at the ground and sighed.  It had been exactly one week since he pushed Dave in front of a moving pickup and nearly killed him.

“No, I’m not.  Dave hates me and after I pushed him in front of a truck, he’s just going to shoo me out of there before I can say sorry.”  He let his hand drop from its perch on Meenah’s chest and slumped on the couch again.  Meenah’s expression softened and she joined him on the couch.

“Look, you can’t keep beating yourself up about this.”  She put her arm around him.  “It wasn’t your fault.  That shit-muncher shouldn’t have been going that fast in the Applebee’s parking lot.” 

“If it weren’t for me it wouldn’t have mattered how fast he was going,” Karkat protested.  “I’ve had a week to think about this and I have come up with an argument against every possible thing you can say to make me feel any less guilty.”

Meenah sighed.  “Well, fine.  I won’t say anything to try to make you feel better, but I will say this: the point is he’s alive and I don’t think he blames you.”

“You don’t know that,” Karkat said weakly.  “He totally blames me.”

“You don’t know that either,” Meenah countered.  “Come on; let’s just visit for a few minutes.  Say hi to Terezi, take them some chocolates, good neighbor stuff.”

“State Farm’s supposed to be the good neighbor,” Karkat said with a weak smile. 

Meenah laughed and slapped his back.  “Glad to see my boyfriend has some humor left in him.  So what do you say?  It’ll be a good chance for some closure with Dave.”

Karkat sat up straight.  “Okay, but we’re only visiting for a little bit.”

Meenah stood up and offered Karkat her hand.  “Let’s go.” Karkat took her hand and stood up.  When he was upright, he gave Meenah a kiss.  He punctuated this kiss by copping a quick feel on Meenah’s still bare chest, which earned him a slap.  “Save it for later you sick-ass pervert.”

 

* * *

One long and unusually sickening car ride with Terezi later, Karkat found himself in the hospital with Terezi on his left and Meenah on his right.  They were waiting for the all clear to go in Dave’s room.  Karkat fixed his gaze on the ground as Meenah patted his back to relax him.  “Stop being so nervous,” Terezi said, “It’ll be okay.”

“Yeah sure, you say that now.  I’d like to see you be the one that almost killed him,” Karkat shot back. 

Terezi crossed her arms and directed her nearly empty gaze away from him.  “Fine.  I’ll just shut up, then.”

A moment passed and Karkat sighed.  “I’m sorry.  I just—“

He was interrupted when a nurse came into the waiting room and told the trio that it was time to see Dave.   Karkat followed Meenah and Terezi nervously and entered the room preparing to get yelled at.  Instead, a broken pair of sunglasses hit his head and fell to the floor with the crinkling of broken lenses.  He stared at them in confusion and then looked up to see Dave, lying in his bed and glaring at him.  “You owe me a new pair of sunglasses.”  After a terrifying moment, Dave smiled.  “Relax dude, I’m just playing with you.  About the being angry part.  You  _do_  owe me new sunglasses.”

Karkat managed a smile and a weak laugh.  “So you’re not pissed at me?”

“I was at first,” Dave said.  “If you had come in a few days ago I would have ripped you a new one.  This fuckin’ hurts.  But during all my time here alone, I got a lot of time to think.  And I realized that you had every right to be so pissed at me.  I was being a dick and I’m sorry about that.”

Karkat’s smile was less forced now.  “Is that so?”

Dave nodded.  “Get that shit eating grin off your face before I take it all back.  Anyway yeah, you were totally justified in being mad at me.”

“See, told you he didn’t blame you,” Terezi said.

“I said it too,” Meenah chimed in, “But he was probably too busy scoping my tits to pay attention.”  As if to illustrate her point, she cupped her breasts and stuck her tongue out at him teasingly.

“Hey!  Now you’re just making me look bad,” Karkat protested.  Everyone shared a laugh and the weight of the past week’s events lifted off Karkat’s back.  In the few hours the group spent together, Karkat came to almost enjoy Dave’s presence.  Almost.  He still didn’t like the guy at all, but at least he realized he was in the wrong this time.

On the way home that night, Karkat, Meenah and Terezi started talking about Dave’s stay.  “He’s put up with it so far,” Terezi said from the backseat.  “He should be out in a week or so.” 

“So about the menu thing,” Karkat started.  “Well first off, how’s your eye?”

“It’s fine!  It just needed a couple hours to stop hurting.  And it helped that I totally forgot about the pain in a few minutes.  Thanks for that.”

Karkat couldn’t tell how much sarcasm was packed into that thanks so he just moved on with what he was saying.  “So was he being a dick the whole day or…?”

“No, it was mostly right before we left and while we were there,” Terezi said. 

“Any idea why he was trippin’ so bad?” Meenah asked from the driver’s seat. 

“Kind of.  And I don’t really blame him,” Terezi explained.  “See, I’ve been really moody lately and he was kind of getting sick of it.”

“Well he shouldn’t be so angry just cuz you’re on your period,” Meenah said.  “He should realize by now that shit happens.

“Not exactly,” Terezi said.  Karkat turned in his seat to look at her with a confused look on his face.  “You see, menstruating is completely opposite of the reason I was being moody.”

“Then why…”  Meenah trailed off and after a moment, her face lit up.  She whipped around to look at Terezi, which cause Karkat to freak out and yell at her to keep her eyes on the road.  “No way!”

“What?”  Karkat asked.

Terezi nodded.  “Yes way.  We confirmed it early in his hospital stay.”

“Confirmed what?”

“Girl, that’s so fucking awesome!”  Meenah said.

“What’s awesome?” Karkat demanded.

“You dumbass!”  Meenah reprimanded him.  “Don’t you get it?  Periods  _not_ causing her mood swings for once?”

Karkat took a moment to think and Terezi laughed.  “I’m pregnant you goof!” 

Karkat’s jaw dropped.  “You’re what?”

“Don’t you make us explain it again,” Meenah said.  “I will smack you while I’m driving.”  After a laugh from everyone in the car, she continued.  “Anyway, that’s great!  How far along are you?”

Terezi shrugged.  “Obviously not very, but I’ll let you know when we learn due dates and stuff.”

“Awesome!”  Meenah said.  “I’m so excited for you!”

“We are too,” Terezi agreed. 

Meenah looked at Karkat expectantly.  “Yeah yeah me too,” He finally said.

“Not that,” Meenah said.  She continued fixing him with her expectant look while somehow keeping the car on the road.  Karkat was confused before he realized what her look was all about.

He couldn’t have said “no” fast enough.

 

**~*~ _SUPER SECRET SPECIAL ALTERNATE ENDING_ ~*~**

Exactly twenty seconds later, Meenah stepped out of her room wearing the most amazing dress Karkat had ever seen.  Nothing.  She was wearing nothing.  They forgot the double date and banged into the night.


	4. Fuck You and Fuck Camels Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat watches the climactic clash between titanic forces known as the Super Bowl. At least, he tries to, until the stupid miracle of childbirth gets in the way.

Karkat wasn’t a big sports fan.  364 days of the year, he couldn’t give two shits about sports.  The one day he did was the one day  _everybody_  cared about sports: The Super Bowl.  Throughout the year, he kept up with NFL news just enough to understand what was going on during any given Super Bowl, and when the big game came on, Karkat was just as bad as  _those_  sports fans.  The ones who were confident they knew more about football than the officials ever did.  In his old neighborhood, everyone Karkat knew would keep their distance from him during the game and a few weeks after, depending on the outcome.  In his apartment building, though, Dave, Terezi, and Meenah had no idea he could get so into a football game, so the Ravens and 49ers Super Bowl party in Meenah’s apartment came as quite a shock to everyone.  They never actually intended to watch the Super Bowl; the party was meant to be an excuse to hang out, turn on the game in the background, and laugh at the commercials.  Karkat, though, had different plans.  The moment the game started, Karkat stopped conversing with his friends, moved to Meenah’s couch, and became fixated on the television.

“Hey, Karkat, you okay?” Meenah asked.  “I thought you hated football.”

“On most days, I do,” Karkat responded.  “Today, I fucking love football.”

Meenah looked at Dave and Terezi and shrugged.  Dave shrugged too and Terezi merely cocked her head to the side.  She was now completely blind and her stomach was swollen, showing that her due date was very near.  In fact, her baby was due in a matter of days.  How she managed to pick herself up and attend this party, Meenah would never know.  Dave joined Karkat on the couch and brought Terezi along since he had taken over the duty of being Terezi’s seeing eye human.  Meenah joined the group and tried to take Karkat’s hand just to have him wave her hand away.  She suddenly became determined to break Karkat’s focus somehow.  Before she could try to audibly do that, Dave started a conversation. 

“So I heard that there’s this camel that predicted that the Ravens will win.” 

Karkat scoffed.  “That asshole’s full of it.”

“I dunno, man, that camel’s been right six out of the past seven years,” Dave pointed out. 

“Fuck that,” Karkat said rolling his eyes, “The 49ers have to win.  It’s their destin— _NO!_ ”  Karkat jumped up and pointed at the television accusingly.  “You motherfucker!  That wasn’t a god damn foul!”  He screamed at the officials.  “Bull shit,” He grumbled as he threw himself back on the couch. 

“Whoa there, I think you need to relax,” Meenah said putting a comforting arm around him and rubbing his shoulder soothingly.  Karkat refused to tear his eyes away from the screen, so Meenah decided to slide her other hand up his legs and bring it to rest on his crotch.  Normally, this method of teasing evoked some kind of reaction, but right now Karkat was completely absorbed in the game.  Meenah seamlessly slipped her hand under both layers of clothing separating Karkat’s genitals and the open air and again rested her hand on a certain body part.  Finally, Karkat reacted by twitching and grabbing her hand.  He slid her hand out of his pants and rested it on her lap. 

“Not now, football’s on.”  Meenah, astounded by this unusual behavior, sat back and stared blankly at the TV. 

The first quarter and a half of the game passed uneventfully.  Meenah and Dave laughed at the commercials and tried to explain to Terezi what was going on during them, while Karkat used the commercials as an indicator that it was time to refill his drink.  At one point when there were about 5 minutes left in the quarter, Karkat and Dave were in a heated discussion about one of the calls, and it was finally enough to tear Karkat’s eyes from the screen.  While he wasn’t looking, Terezi pointed in the general direction of the TV and shouted “Wow, look at that interception!” 

Karkat snapped his attention back to the game in disbelief.  “No!  Another one?” He asked hopefully.  It took a second before he realized there was no interception.  “The ball’s still in the Ravens’ possession, are you fucking bli…”  He trailed off and bit his lip, suddenly not wanting to finish his sentence.  Terezi cackled heartily before clutching her stomach and groaning. 

“You okay, girlfriend?”  Meenah asked. 

Terezi shook her head weakly and tugged on Dave’s sleeve.    “What’s up, hun?”  He asked.

“The baby’s coming,” Terezi said quietly. 

Dave leaned in closer.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, speak up?” 

He moved his ear closer to Terezi just in time for her to scream, “The baby’s coming!” right in his ear. 

Everyone froze and the only sound in the room was the announcer advertising some movie before a commercial break.  Meenah jumped out of her seat and helped Terezi into a standing position.  “No, you’re kidding me,” Karkat said, still rooted in his spot.  “You said the baby was due in a week.”

“Well, the baby says he’s due now and I’m pretty sure  _he_  gets to choose,” Terezi moaned.  “Now get me to a fucking hospital.”

“Oh shit, I’ve been drinking,” Dave said, burying his face in his hand.

“I have too,” Karkat said with significantly less shame. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll drive everyone,” Meenah said.  Dave nodded and helped Terezi to the car.  As they hobbled away, Meenah stood in front of Karkat, who hadn’t budged.  “ _Everyone_ ,” Meenah reiterated.

Karkat leaned to the side to look around her and nodded.  “Okay.”

Meenah grabbed his shirt and pulled him to his feet.  “Don’t you dare think you’re missin’ out on your best friend’s childbirth, now let’s go; Dave and Terezi are waitin’ for us.”

“But I’ll miss the game!”  Karkat whined.

“Too bad, babies are more important than sports,” Meenah insisted.  She turned off the TV and dragged a complaining Karkat out of her apartment to join Dave and Terezi by the car.  They piled in and started up the radio to hear that the halftime show had just started.  “See?  You’re just missing the halftime show at this point,” Meenah said.

Karkat crossed his arms from the passenger seat.  Terezi and Dave were given the back of the car.  “I didn’t want to see Beyonce anyway.”

Meenah shook her head and proceeded to speed to the hospital anyway.  On the way there, Terezi desperately needed to get her mind off the pain and asked Karkat about his interest in the Super Bowl as opposed to any other football game.  “But it’s not just a football game,” Karkat insisted.  “It’s  _the_ football game.  The most important game of the year.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Dave said.

“Where I come from it’s a big deal.  I’m not sure why, but everyone kind of felt closer on Super Bowl Sunday.  It was like a second Christmas.  We all just kind of put aside our differences and watched.”

“What if two people were rooting for different teams?”  Meenah asked.

“They let the game settle that for them.  Everyone in my old town is a good sport.  Well, everyone except me and Jade…”

“What happened with Jade?”  Terezi asked.

“Well, her and her boyfriend had a bet one Sunday.  Remember back in 2007, when the Patriots had gone undefeated all year, but then the Giants kicked their asses for the Super Bowl?”

“Yeah, I remember laughing about that,” Dave chimed in.  "They had already sold a bunch of Patriots T-shirts before they got their ass kicked."

“Yeah well, Jade’s boyfriend said that if the Giants won, she would have to give him a blowjob.  She was so confident that the Patriots would win that she took him up on that.  When the Giants won, she had to give her boyfriend that blowjob.  Apparently, during it, he laughed at the Patriots and called them a terrible team, so she bit his dick.”  Dave flinched and Meenah gasped.  “It left marks too.”  Karkat nodded.

“That’s so fuckin’ metal,” Meenah said in awe. 

By now, the group had arrived at the Hospital and Meenah tasked Dave and Karkat with walking Terezi in while she found a parking spot.  When she finally did find that spot, she came into the waiting room to find a jittery Dave and a grumpy (as per usual) Karkat.  “How are you doing, daddy-o?”  Meenah asked the father-to-be.

“Do you want the truth or the stoic cool guy answer?”  Dave asked.

“The truth, of course.”

Dave ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.  “I’m fucking nervous.  There’s so much that can go wrong and even if nothing does, how do I act like a good father to a child in an apartment I can barely afford to live in in the first place?”

“You can do it,” Meenah encouraged him.  

Dave nodded.  “Yeah, I can do it.”

Karkat looked at Meenah sullenly.  “Don’t say the word daddy-o ever again.”  After Meenah responded with a laugh, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a red gaming system.  “I wonder if I can watch the game on my 3DS.”

“Of course you can’t, dumbass,” Meenah said, “It’s a game system not a cable box.”

Karkat closed his system and put it back in his pocket.  “That’s stupid.”

* * *

Meenah didn’t remember dozing off, but next thing she knew, Karkat was nudging her and the view outside a nearby window was now the blue of night as opposed to the light of day.  Dave was nowhere to be seen and Karkat looked like he really wanted to run down that hallway.  That or he really needed to take a piss.  “What did I miss?”  Meenah asked.

“The childbirth, I think,” Karkat informed her, eyes wide.  Meenah nodded weakly and they rushed down the hall.  When they entered the room Terezi and Dave were in, they were greeted by the sight of Terezi in a hospital bed, Dave standing to her right, and a bundle of blankets that she held close to her chest. 

“Took you long enough,” Dave teased.

“Sorry, your company in the waiting room was just too borin’,” Meenah shot back.

“Is that what Karkat said in be—“

“Okay, that’s enough.”  Karkat interrupted.

“Yeah, put your rulers away, boys,” Terezi chimed in with a laugh.  “Set a better example for our little girl.” A doctor had joined Karkat at the door to watch over the new mother and child as she said this.

“It’s a girl?”  Meenah asked.  Terezi nodded and Meenah rushed over while Karkat hung back to ask the doctor who won the big game.  "I thought you said it was a he."

"Well, like I said," Terezi reminded her.  "I'm pretty sure she gets to choose."

“Can I hold her?”  Meenah asked.  Terezi nodded and carefully handed Meenah her bundle of joy.  The baby started to whimper, not recognizing Meenah’s face, but she calmed down when Karkat—who still didn’t know who won—looked down on her too.  “Aw, she likes you,” Meenah said as the little girl raised a hand in Karkat’s direction.  Karkat took her tiny hand in his and smiled warmly. 

“You sure she’s Dave’s baby?”  He asked Terezi.  “She’s way too pretty to be even remotely related.”  Everyone shared a laugh and Karkat fixed his gaze on the new arrival again and sighed, feeling oddly content despite missing the one day of the year he cared about sports.  Somehow, this little miniature human turned his whole day around and made the room feel so much brighter despite the sun not even being in the sky.  “What’s her name?”

Dave and Terezi shrugged simultaneously.  “We have no idea,” Dave said.  “We planned on a boy’s name.  We didn’t expect our boy to be a, well, not boy.”

“Can I suggest something?”  Karkat asked. 

“Sure thing,” Terezi encouraged him.

“I think…Trixie.  Don’t ask me why, it just came to me.  But I think her name should be Trixie.” 

Dave looked to Terezi for confirmation.  She mulled it over before saying, “I like it.  Trixie it is.  Thank you so much, Karkat.”

“No problem,” Karkat shrugged.  Karkat giving this baby girl her name was just the beginning of his deep involvement in her life.

He would later come to inadvertently teach her her first word, which ended up being “fuck.”  

The newly named Trixie started to whimper, wishing to be held by her mom again.  Meenah handed her back to Terezi and she quickly calmed down.  Karkat stretched and let out a yawn.  “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready to be home.”

“Me too,” Terezi sighed.  “But the doctors said I have to stay a little while.  I’ll get to leave tomorrow morning or so.”

“Oh, well that sucks,” Meenah said.  “How about we take Dave home with us?  That way he can come get you tomorrow.”

“Hell no, I’m staying here with my girls,” Dave insisted. 

“Would it be too much trouble to come get us tomorrow, you two?” Terezi asked.

“Of course not,” Meenah said.  “Anything for the new parents. Right Karkat?”

“Sure thing,” Karkat agreed.  “Normally I’d say no way, but I’ll make an exception just this once.”

“Thank you so much,” Terezi said as tears came to her eyes.  “You’re the greatest friends a girl could have.”

“Ain’t no thing, gillfrond,” Meenah said. 

“But for now, it’s night and I wanna go home to see who won,” Karkat said.

Meenah scoffed.  “Football fans.”

* * *

The second Meenah and Karkat got to her apartment he rushed to her laptop.  He took it to the couch, typed in the password that Meenah was kind enough to share with him, and made his way to the first news site he could think of. He growled when he saw the headline that declared the Ravens as the champions.  “That’s bullshit!  That stupid fucking camel was right again!”

Meenah read the article over his shoulder as various camel-related curses flowed from his mouth.  “Huh, the power went out in the stadium halfway through the third quarter…”

“No one cares,” Karkat said.  He pushed the computer away and crossed his arms, fuming. 

Meenah sat next to him with two cans in her hand.  “Hey, you know what makes losing feel so much better?”

“What?”

Meenah handed him one of the cans in her hand and popped hers open.  “A beer.”

Karkat stared at his and shrugged.  “Guess you’re right.”

“And you know what goes great with beer?”  Meenah continued.

“What?”  Karkat supplied again before taking a sip of his beer.

Meenah put her beer can on the table in front of the couch and leaned in close.  “A good fuck.” 

“I don’t know Meenah, I don’t think I’m in the mood tonight.”

“You’re about to be,” Meenah said in her most seductive voice.  Her restless hands made their way under Karkat’s pants and finally, he gave into temptation for a wild night that made him not want to go anywhere in the morning, despite previous promises.


	5. Fuck You and Fuck Spies Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat lets paranoia get the best of him when Meenah's creepy friend moves in and invites her to a dinner at Applebee's, which results in almost sitcom-esque shenanigans. Karkat will probably fuck up again, but what else can you expect from these people going to Applebee's again?

Karkat had lived in the same small town for much of his life.  In fact, the only time he ever moved was into the apartment building he now called home.  Remembering his first move, he sighed and looked around the now empty apartment, saying one last goodbye before he had to perform his second ever move.  After much talk with his girlfriend Meenah, they decided this was for the best.  He left his apartment on the fourth floor and made his way to the elevator. 

He then took it down to the second floor to find his new home.  Much like how Meenah’s apartment was directly above his, this new one was directly above Dave and Terezi’s apartment.  This one was better suited to three people, which is exactly what Karkat and Meenah needed.  Four months ago, due to a bit of a careless night, Meenah somehow contracted the sexually transmitted disease known as life and they had to prepare accordingly, which meant moving to an apartment that was not one of their one-person abodes.  This meant both of them having to adjust to living with the other permanently, which they hadn’t done since moving out of their respective parents’ houses.  Karkat walked into his new apartment to find boxes stacked everywhere.  “Meenah?  Did you get crushed under a box slide?”  He called.  When he got no answer, he shrugged, figuring Meenah was doing the same thing he had just gotten back from doing.

He was proven right when Meenah opened the door and walked in with a highly exaggerated waddle.  “Hey babe,” She greeted.

“Stop that, you’re not a penguin,” Karkat responded.

“I’m getting used to it for when I become a tub of lard.  You gotta be prepared, Karkat.”  Meenah insisted.

“Yeah, okay, sure.”  Before Meenah could respond, a knock sounded on their door.  Karkat opened it to find Terezi smiling in his general direction.

“Hey neighbors!”  She called.  “Need help unpacking?”

“That’d be great, thanks,” Karkat said, moving out of the way to let her in.  A moment passed, during which Terezi didn’t budge.  Then it dawned on Karkat that Terezi was still completely blind and was therefore incapable of helping bring things full circle by helping him move in again.  “Oh right, you can’t help us unpack, can you?”

Terezi shook her head.  “No, I can’t.  But that’s why I brought Dave with me!”  Dave stepped into Karkat’s line of vision holding a baby and smiled.

“Maybe I’ll actually help you this time,” He said.  “Terezi, take Trixie, please.”  His girlfriend did as he asked and held out her arms.  He gingerly placed the four-month-old baby in her mother’s arms and got to work.

The trio (but mostly Dave and Karkat) worked until well after sunset and a little more the next day, lifting and unpacking and arranging everything that needed taken care of.  It didn’t take long at all for Karkat and Meenah to settle in and get used to living with each other.  Or at least start to.  Being four months pregnant, Meenah was now eating plenty for two, having trouble sleeping, and starting to grow considerably.  Her moodiness was diminishing, though, so Karkat wasn’t having too much trouble adjusting to life in this new home.  It didn’t take long at all to fill the apartments Meenah and Karkat left empty.  In fact, not three weeks later, Dave and Terezi were mentioning a moving truck and another new neighbor for everyone to greet, as per the old custom.  After much protest from Karkat, he and Meenah finally decided to greet someone who would shake things up between them considerably.

When they knocked on the door to Meenah’s old apartment, they heard a crashing inside and nearly went inside anyway to make sure the new inhabitant was alright.  Before they could make a decision, though, the door swung open to reveal the most bizarre human Karkat had ever seen.  This tall, pasty boy had an extremely long ponytail and wore a strange set of goggles that had leather straps and shaded lenses.  He was already wearing a goofy grin upon answering the door, but when his gaze fell on Meenah; his expression did the impossible and became even happier.  This, along Meenah’s frustrated groan in reaction to it, was Karkat’s first sign that this guy was bad news.  When he spoke, he did it quickly and Karkat could barely keep up when he shook Meenah’s hand almost-violently and said, “Meenah!  What a coincidence running into you here.  How’ve you been?”

“Uh, hey Horuss,” Meenah responded, clearly as overwhelmed as Karkat was.  “I’ve been swell.”

“Ha!  Swell.  I get it!  You’re using the word for surface gravity waves as a description of how you’re doing.  That’s a good one.”

Meenah rolled her eyes.  “Yes, Horuss, I still do fish puns sometimes.  How about you and your puns?”

“Of horse I still do those puns!”  Horuss responded without skipping a beat.  Finally, he happened to glance at Karkat and do a double take.  “Oh, who’s your friend?”

“I’m Karkat,” Karkat responded.  “I’m Meenah’s boyfriend.”  He said the word “boyfriend” as if it administered the final blow to a particularly annoying boss from a video game.

Horuss gasped.  “You have a boyfriend?  I’m so happy for you, Meenah!”

“And that’s not all,” Meenah said matter-of-factly, placing her hand on her stomach.  Horuss looked at the small bump in Meenah’s t-shirt and his jaw dropped.

“No way.  Get out!”

“Happily,” Karkat said, tugging Meenah’s sleeve and desperately wishing to leave.  Meenah not only stayed but begrudgingly accepted Horuss’ invitation inside.  Karkat followed with a sigh and found himself listening as Meenah and Horuss caught up around his coffee table, which was painted with crudely drawn horses. 

Apparently, Horuss Zahhak was once one of the many friends from Florida that Meenah told him all about.  Meenah said they’d just been good friends, but something in the way Horuss acted told Karkat there was something else buried deep down.

“So what brings you here, Zahhak?”  Meenah asked at one point.

“Well, my boyfriend broke up with me and everyone else just kind of deserted me, so I decided to move somewhere and start anew, and that’s when I found you!  Maybe I won’t be starting as new as I thought I would,” Horuss explained.

“Rufioh broke up with you, huh?  I’m sorry about that bud.” Meenah said with a hint of abject terror in her voice.

“It’s okay, I’ll find someone else,” Horuss said with a meaningful glance at Meenah.  Karkat nearly got up socked him right there, but Meenah placed a soothing hand on his thigh that stopped him.

“So, uh, did you know that this is the apartment I lived in until three weeks ago?”  Meenah asked, eager to change the subject.

Horuss’ reaction just made Karkat want to punch him more.  He sat up straight and looked around as if he’d just found the secret treasure from that one Nicolas Cage movie.  “Wow, really?”  He looked up and sighed, as if basking in Meenah’s magnificence.  “That’s awesome.” 

Karkat shifted uncomfortably in his seat and gave Meenah a look that begged to leave this place.  “Oh, you know what Horuss?  I just remembered something.  We really should be going now,” Meenah said in response.

Horuss looked slightly disappointed.  “Oh, okay.  If you must, Meenah.” 

“We’ll uh, talk to you later,” Meenah said, pushing Karkat out of the apartment. 

“Goodbye, princess!”  Horuss called right before Meenah slammed the door. 

“Princess?  Meenah, who the hell was that guy and what’s going on?”  Karkat demanded.

Meenah sighed and started explaining as they made their way back down to the second floor.  “Horuss and I have known each other since we were little kids.  His dad worked with my mom so our families somehow became good friends.  Somewhere around middle school, he got this crazy notion in his head that I loved him since we’d known each other for so long, so he started calling me princess and generally being a fucking creep.  He was only in our group of friends because he was so clingy and followed me everywhere.”

“Did you ever have anything with him?”  Karkat asked. 

Meenah shuddered.  “Oh shell no.  He was way too creepy.  I tried my best to get away from him but until he found his boyfriend, he was stuck to me like glue.  And now he’s single again.  So now he’ll go after me again.”

“But I’m your boyfriend,” Karkat said.

“That never mattered to him.  Even when I was dating only girls for a while back, he was still a borderline stalker.  It’s no wonder his boyfriend broke up with him.”  Meenah shook her head.  By now, they were back in their apartment and Karkat had made sure to lock the door behind him just in case.    “And now he’s living in the same building again.  And still fucking calling me princess.”  She was growling now and Karkat put his hands on her shoulders and started rubbing them to soothe her. 

“Shhh, don’t worry about it.  He doesn’t know which apartment we’re in, so we probably don’t have to talk to him ever again.”

“You’re right.  Thanks, Karkat.”

“No problem, honey,” Karkat assured her. 

“Now can you please massage my back since your hands are there?  It’s been killing me.”

“I can do that,” Karkat nodded. 

* * *

Despite his promise that they’d never see Horuss again, Karkat was still extremely paranoid.  One thing that had driven his first girlfriend away was his protectiveness and he had worked on that, but now that over-zealous protective side of him was coming out in full force.  The only way he could think of to resolve this problem was approaching Terezi about it over a cup of coffee.  Terezi, of course, meant Terezi, Dave, and Trixie, because the only thing that kept those three apart was Dave’s strangely high-paying job, which consisted of him maintaining his older brother’s pornographic website.  The only reason that kept them apart was because Terezi never wanted her daughter seeing that kind of thing ever.  Anyway, when Karkat told Terezi and Dave the whole story from the couches in their living room, Dave had one thing to say: 

“What the fuck is a Horuss?”

“It’s a fucked up name, right?”  Karkat agreed.

Terezi bit her thumb.  “What a weird kid.  Maybe he’ll realize Meenah’s off the market forever and stop harassing her?”

“I hope so,” Karkat sighed.  “My worry is that…”

“What is it, Karkat?”  Terezi asked, sensing this was hard for him to say.

“What if she somehow falls for him?  What if he pulls off some brilliant master plan that ends up being so romantic Meenah drops her panties for him right there?”

Dave laughed and shook his head.  “Karkat, you and I and Terezi all know that Meenah is not the romantic type.  Hell, if she was, she wouldn’t be carrying your baby in the first place.”

“Which brings us to—“

“Point 2.  She’s carrying your baby, dude.  Nobody in their right mind just splits from her man after he knocks her up.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Karkat sighed.  “But I didn’t want it.  It kind of happened on accident.”

“So did Trixie,” Terezi said.  At the sound of her name, Trixie started babbling from her perch in Terezi’s arms.  “Hey, you want to hold her?  That seems to be good at calming you down.”

Karkat looked at the bundle of blankets resting near his friend’s bosom and smiled.  “Sure, okay.  Give her here.”

* * *

About half an hour of interacting with the baby later, Karkat decided it was best to go home and get some sleep.  He walked into Meenah on the phone looking annoyed.  He gave her a questioning look and she held up a finger to signify that she’d be with him in a second.  “Are you sure I can’t bring him?”  A pause.  “Oh come on, he may be short and angry, but he’s a real sweetie when you get to know him.”  This is what told Karkat she was talking about him.  “Well, he doesn’t like anybody.  Hell, he didn’t like me at first.”  A pause, followed by a sigh.  “If you say so.  What time did you say?  Eight, got it.  Bye.”  She hung up her phone and Karkat gave her a kiss on the cheek before asking who she was talking to.

“That was Horuss.  His birthday is this weekend and he wants to go to eat with the only person in our old group of friends who lives nearby,” She explained.

“So that’s you,” Karkat guessed.

Meenah nodded confirmation.  “He wants to go to Applebee’s.”

Karkat shook his head, thinking about how often he’d been to that very restaurant in the past couple of years.  “So what were you saying about me when I came in?”

Meenah crossed her arms.  “Horuss said he doesn’t want you coming because you scare him.”  They shared a laugh before she continued.  “Mostly, at least.  His other reason was that you weren’t a part of our old group of friends so he feels like it would ‘ruin the occasion’ or something.  I don’t know, it’s dumb.”

“Yeah, it is,” Karkat said, suddenly extremely afraid of the very thing Terezi told him not to be afraid of.  “So when’s your date?”

Meenah slapped him playfully at the mention of the word date but answered, “He wants to get there at eight-ish on Saturday, so that’s when you have the place to yourself.  Throw a party, hire strippers, watch porn, do guy things.”

They shared a laugh and Karkat immediately resolved to get a hold of Dave immediately.  Karkat was formulating a plan in his jealous little skull and would need all the help he could get.

It wasn’t until he said his plan out loud to Dave the next day did he realize just how dumb it really was.  “So, you’re saying you want to sneak into Applebee’s and spy on Meenah and Horuss,” Dave repeated for expositional purposes. 

Karkat nodded.  “I just don’t want Horuss to do anything suspicious.  If he doesn’t, we’ll leave.  But if he does do something I don’t like, I’ll smack him.”

“As long as you don’t push anyone into traffic again, I’ll help you,” Dave said.

“Are you ever going to let me live that down?”  Karkat asked.

“Nope, never gonna give it up,” Dave replied without missing a beat.

“Fuck off.”

* * *

Saturday came and eight-o’-clock found Karkat and Dave waiting in the bushes sitting in front of the local Applebee’s.  “Did we have to wait in the bushes?”  Dave asked.  “We could have just waited in my car.”

“Meenah would have recognized it,” Karkat rationalized.

“It has air conditioning,” Dave offered.  Despite the fact that it was eight at night, the night sky was unusually warm and stuffy.  For a second, Karkat thought that maybe air conditioning was a good idea.   He shook his head and became determined to resist the temptation of a cool car interior.  He was treating this scheme as a plan to save the world, which seemed silly, but he _was_ on a mission to save the world.  Well, his world, at least.  Upon further thought, he didn’t really know why he needed Dave’s help on this, but before he could mull on it any further, he saw Meenah and Horuss round the corner.  “Oh shit, there they are,” Dave whispered redundantly. 

Karkat was relieved to see that Meenah hadn’t bothered to dress up any for this dinner, remaining in her favorite black shirt and skinny jeans.  Horuss was decked out in some brown leather getup that matched his strange goggles that he wore when they met.  What was this guy’s deal with leather?  They went inside and before the door closed behind them, Karkat heard the hostess compliment Meenah and Horuss on how cute they looked together, which caused Karkat to nearly scream in rage.  Dave quelled his anger by slapping his hand over Karkat’s mouth and reminding him that they were on a mission. 

After taking ten deep breaths, Karkat emerged from the bushes with Dave shortly after and they entered the restaurant after brushing themselves off.  They declined the hostess’ offer to seat them and instead they found a table just within earshot of Meenah and Horuss.  They situated themselves to be sitting behind Meenah’s back and if Horuss were to look behind her for whatever reason, he’d see Dave, a stranger to him. 

Karkat listened so intently to their conversation that he almost didn’t hear their server asking them what they wanted to drink.  He ordered a drink just in time to see Horuss try to reach for Meenah’s hand.  He started to get up to go punch him, but Meenah slapped his hand away.  “Yo homie, I thought you were done with that shit,” She reprimanded.

Horuss’ smile disappeared and he looked down, ashamed of himself.  “I’m sorry, Meenah.  I’m just…lonely.  After everything that brought me here…”

“No excuses.  You  _know_  I’m taken, Horuss.  Hell, I’m knocked up!  I should have known you would pull this shit.”  Karkat knew Meenah was serious now, for it was rare that she passed up the chance to use “shell” in place of “hell.” 

Horuss knew this too, because he shrunk back even more at this.  “I’m sorry Meenah.  I’ll go now, if you want.”

Meenah sighed.  “No, stay here.  I’m sorry for snapping at you like that.  I should be treating you better for your birthday.”

“No you shouldn’t,” Karkat muttered under his breath.

“Besides, I have a surprise for you,” Meenah said.

“You do?”  Horuss asked, perking up.

“Sure do.  You’ll see what it is when we’re done here.”

“I’m excited!”  Horuss gleefully clapped and Karkat felt his heart fall into his stomach. 

“A surprise?”

“Dude,” Dave warned.   “Keep calm.” 

“But Dave!  A surprise?  On his birthday?  After being taken out to dinner?  They’re going to fuck!”

“Lower your voice or she’ll hear you, shit-for-brains,” Dave teased.  “You know that’s horseshit.

“Is it, Dave?  Is it really?”  Karkat demanded.

“Yes, it is, now sit down and shut up.”  Karkat looked down to realize he was in fact standing up and drawing a lot of attention to himself.  He groaned when he heard his girlfriend behind him call his name questioningly.  “Busted,” Dave called.

“Karkat what are you doing here?”  Meenah asked.

Karkat turned to face her and became nervous.  “Um, you see, Dave and I were hanging out and he got this really bad craving for Applebee’s.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Dave played along with the story that Karkat was pulling out of thin air. 

“A craving, huh?”  Meenah asked, not buying it for a second.  “Is he preggo too?  Or is he just high?”

“Oh dude, I’m high as fuck,” Dave said.  Karkat nodded vehemently in agreement.

“And I was like ‘dude, we can’t go to Applebee’s, Meenah’s going to be there and she’ll get this crazy idea that we’re spying on her or some shit.’  But did he listen to me?  Of course not.”

Dave shook his head.  “When I get the munchies, I require Applebee’s and nothing else.  That’s that.”

“But uh, we’re pretty much done here anyway, so we’ll leave you alone now,” Karkat said, starting to separate himself from his table.

“You’re not done eating,” Meenah said, nodding to their nearly empty table.  “You just got your drinks.”

“Okay I lied about that, but we’ll leave you alone now,” he promised.

Meenah shook her head.  “Whatever,” She dismissed with a tone of annoyance that made Karkat want to cry. 

He sat back down and placed his head on the table.  “I fucked up.”

“Hey man, don’t worry about it,” Dave tried to cheer him up.

Karkat shook his head.  “Nope, she hates me.  She trusted me and I betrayed that trust and now she hates me.”

“It would take a lot more than that for your baby momma to hate you,” Dave assured him.

“Don’t ever use that term again,” Karkat deadpanned.

Karkat left shortly after.  Dave had ordered his food and Karkat gave him the money to cover the one drink he got.  Little did he know, by heading home to mope and sulk, he was missing the only reason Meenah ever agreed to this dinner faux-date. 

After they were done eating, Meenah graciously paid for their meal and got up to leave.  “Come on, pony boy, I gotta shoal you somefin.”  She checked her phone on their way out of the restaurant and nodded.  Dave, who had just paid as well, figured he might as well follow them since that’s why he came to Applebee’s in the first place. 

Out in the parking lot, Horuss looked around for anything out of the ordinary.  “I doubt you got me a car, so why are we in the parking lot?”

“Because my present’s too titanic to fit through the door,” Meenah explained.

“Oh okay,” Horuss said.  After a moment, he asked, “Is it a car?”

“No, Horuss, it isn’t a car,” Meenah assured him.  “If I could afford a new car,  _I’d_  be ridin’ in it.”

A moment later, they got to Meenah’s car and still, no present was in sight.  Meenah grabbed her car keys and unlocked the back driver’s side door.

“Um, Meenah?”  Horuss said.  “You didn’t lock your car on the way in.  And that’s the wrong door anyway.”

“Is it?”  Meenah asked.  She nodded for Horuss to join her and he moved from his stance at the front passenger door.  He joined her at the door she was unlocking in time for her to open it and reveal his birthday surprise sitting in the seat. 

Horuss gasped as a tall, latino man stepped out of Meenah’s car.  This man wore a strange black and red get up that Dave could only explain as having come from the jungle.  His hair was like a three-pronged mohawk and the tips of said hair were dyed red.  “Rufioh!”  Horuss gasped.

The man named Rufioh cocked his head to the side.  “Strange, that’s not how you normally say my name…”  He trailed off. 

“Oh, right,” Horuss said.  “Ru-fi- _ohhhh!_ ”  He yelled his correction as loud as he could and Dave shuddered to think about what context Horuss had said  _that_  in.

“Much better,” Rufioh smiled.  He brought Horuss in for a hug.

When they separated, Horuss looked at him confused.  “Wait, what are you doing here?  I thought you broke up with me.”

“Whale,” Meenah started.  “I figured I’d ring Rufioh up and ask him about your abbyssmal situation.  Just to get both sides of the story, you know? Well, he told me that it was all a misunderstanding and he fished he knew where you went so he could make it up to you. I told him you crashed here and he caught the first flight he could.  While we were eating, he slipped into the stern of my car and locked the door.  Even though the lockin’ part was totally unnecessary.”

“Ah, I’ve missed all your fish puns, Meenah,” Rufioh complimented.

“Thanks.”

Horuss looked to Rufioh hopefully.  “You mean it?”

“Absolutely,” Rufioh nodded.  “You just kind of stormed out on me before I could get my bearings straight.  I’m sorry for putting you through all this, but I’m here with you now and I’m staying this time.”

“Yay!  But wait, Meenah, you said my surprise was too big to fit through the door.  Rufioh’s not too big…”

“I was talking about his big fat head!”  Meenah teased.  “Now get in you two and let’s go home.” 

Dave approached Meenah as Rufioh and Horuss piled in the back seat of her car.  “Hey, can I hitch a ride too?  We brought my car but I’m pretty sure Karkat drove it home.”

Meenah smiled and nodded toward the passenger seat.  “’Eel free.”

“Is this fish pun thing going to become a regular thing?”

“Only around them,” Meenah assured him. 

* * *

Karkat heard the door unlock and cringed at his spot on the couch.  He knew what was coming and he wasn’t looking forward to facing off with an angry and pregnant Meenah.  She walked in, stood in front of him, and looked at him with crossed arms.  “Hello Karkat.”

“Hey Meenah,” Karkat said timidly.  “I’m sorry.”

“For…?”  Meenah supplied.

“For spying on you tonight.”

“Oh yeah, that.  You know Karkat, if I didn’t know better; I’d say you did that because you don’t trust me.”

“Oh no!  That’s not why I did it at all!”  Karkat insisted.  “It’s Horuss I don’t trust.  You told me he’d been hitting on your for years so I went along to make sure he wouldn’t make any moves on you.”

“I appreciate the thought, Karkat, but I can take care of myself.”

“But I was afraid.  What if you couldn’t?  What if you couldn’t defend yourself and Horuss got…” Karkat trailed off.

“Got what?”

“You know,” Karkat whispered.  “Desperate.  Horny.  Both, maybe.”

Meenah looked confused but understood what he meant after a moment.  “Oh, I see what you mean.  Dude no, Horuss is a fucking weirdo and kind of a creep, but he’d never do that.  He hardly had the courage to get in my car, much less…what you’re thinking.”

“You sure?”  Karkat asked.

“Dude, I’ve known Horuss for as long as I can remember.  I know him better than he knows himself.  So yeah, I’m sure.”

“Oh, so I did that for nothing,” Karkat slouched. 

“No, you did it to protect me, which is really sweet.  Even if it’s kind of creepy.”

“So you’re not mad at me?”  Karkat asked.

“Not as much as you think I am,” Meenah said.  “You’re still sleeping on the couch tonight, though.”

Karkat shrugged.  “I guess that’s fair.”  

“I thought so too,” Meenah nodded.   She leaned down and kissed Karkat.  The kiss lingered long enough for someone to lose her balance and Karkat very soon found himself pinned under a very surprised Meenah.  This, not surprisingly, lead to a long night of love making to make up for the mistakes Karkat had made earlier.

He still slept on the couch, but it was worth it.


	6. Fuck You and Fuck Beer Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horuss and Rufioh throw a halloween party while Meenah's due date approaches and, well, you can guess what happens next.

If Karkat could have chosen any day for his child to be born, it would have been an obscure, unimportant day like September third or something. He would have hated to have to deal with a major holiday and a child on the same day for the rest of his life and if his child was born on Christmas, his wallet would have personally smacked him for conceiving when he did.

Both fortunately and unfortunately, his child was born two months before Christmas.

Karkat and Meenah spent way too much of the second to last day of October listening to Horuss and Rufioh tell them about how much fun a Halloween party would be if they could throw it in their bigger apartment. “Absolutely not,” Karkat said sternly. “Meenah’s due any day now and what will we do if she goes into labor while we’re all drunk off our asses?”

“Terezi won’t drink,” Meenah offered. “She told me she still breastfeeds sometimes and doesn’t want to risk poisoning Trixie.”

“You’re not helping,” Karkat said through gritted teeth.

“What? I’m up for a party,” Meenah said.

“But Meenah, you’ve been in pain for days,” Karkat protested.

“And? I’d keel to have somefin take my mind off this everything-ache, so why not?” Horuss snickered at her puns and Karkat groaned.

“Fine, but if anybody stays later than midnight I’m kicking some ass, got it?”

Horuss nodded fervently. “You got it!” Rufioh nodded in agreement and Karkat ushered them out before they could start another stupid conversation.

“I can’t believe we’re letting your high school friends throw a party in our nice apartment,” he said after closing the door tight.

“Hey, only one of them was my high school friend. The other one is a _childhood_  friend,” Meenah corrected. “Get it right.”

“Same thing,” Karkat groaned.

“Oh, stop being such a tight-ass,” Meenah said. She waddled up behind him and wrapped her arms around him, having to awkwardly compensate for the extra space she had to reach because of her seemingly inflated stomach. “I think you need to just relax. Maybe you should cuddle with the loves of your life. That will make you feel better, Mr. grumpy gills.”

Karkat chuckled at the way Meenah sounded when she said the end of her sentence. “That does sound nice, you big cuttlefish.”

Meenah smiled widely when Karkat realized what he just said. “There’s my Karkat. You’ll make a great father; you know that, right?”

* * *

“A party? That sounds great!” was Terezi’s response when Karkat called her to tell her about the next day’s plans. “When is it?”

“Tomorrow. It’s a Halloween party,” Karkat explained.

Terezi paused. “Tomorrow’s a Thursday.”

“Yeah, and?”

“The day after that’s a Friday,” Terezi continued.

“And?”

Terezi sighed. “Friday’s a weekday, Karkat. Don’t you have work?”

“Oh, I got Friday off. What Horuss and Rufioh do about Friday is their own damn problem.”

“Okay, well, Dave and Trixie and I will definitely be over.”

“Glad to hear,” Karkat smiled.

“But wait,” Terezi said. “What if Meenah goes into labor?”

“Well, that’s one reason I invited you, actually,” Karkat explained. “Meenah said you don’t drink lately and I figured you’d be her designated driver.”

Terezi laughed and switched on her condescending tone. “Karkat, honey, I’m blind, remember?”

Karkat stopped in his tracks and stared into space for a minute, taking this information in—again.

Terezi laughed again because she knew exactly what he was doing. “Don’t worry, I know someone who will be our designated driver. It’s last minute, but I’m sure he’ll agree to it. He’s such a nice guy.”

“Thanks so much Terezi,” Karkat sighed. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Don’t mention it.”

After they set a time to start the party, Karkat got off the phone and told Meenah the story of how he forgot the state of Terezi’s vision again. A good laugh was shared before they started cuddling again.

“God damn, I hurt literally everywhere,” Meenah whined. “That baby better hurry her pretty little ass up.”

“You sure it’ll be a girl?” Karkat asked.

“That’s what the doctor said that the ultrasound said, so yeah,” Meenah responded.

“I don’t know,” Karkat said hopefully. “There’s still a chance I’ll have a little boy to do guy stuff with.”

“You can do guy stuff with a daughter, numbnuts,” Meenah protested.

“I know, I know,” Karkat laughed. “Whichever gender it is, I’m sure he—”

“She!”

“Will be adorable.” 

* * *

Karkat spent the first half of Halloween cleaning up their apartment and making sure all their valuable possessions were safely tucked away from anywhere a drunk person would stumble. When Dave and Terezi walked in donning costumes, he realized he had overlooked one crucial detail about this party: costumes. Before he worried about that, he decided to dwell on “what the fuck are you two wearing.”

“Costumes, of course,” Terezi laughed. “I’m wearing a dragon hood I used to wear back in my FLARPing days.” The eyes of her bright red dragon stared back at Karkat as he promised not to ask about those days ever. She held up her daughter and showed her off to Karkat. “And Trixie’s a pumpkin!”

“How stereotypical,” Karkat commented.

“I know,” Terezi agreed. “I wanted her to be a little baby dragon, but Dave said no.”

“Every baby has to be either a pumpkin or a flower for their first Halloween,” Dave explained. “It’s a law of the universe.”

“I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t take you seriously in that costume,” Karkat said as Meenah came up behind him.

He heard her voice behind him say “Yeah, is that a banana you’re wearing or are you just happy to see us?”

Dave motioned towards the crotch of his bright banana suit and shook his head. “This is fucking genius, okay? I also brought maracas so I can sing peanut but—”

“Don’t you fucking dare sing that song in my house,” Karkat snapped.

“Anyway, what are you wearing there, Meenah?” Terezi asked.

“I can see you’re hiding back there,” Dave added.

“What are you keeping from us who can see?”

Meenah pushed Karkat out of the way so Dave could see that she was decked out in a bunch of fake jewelery and a flowing fuchsia robe that ran all the way to the ground, even when it had to compensate for the grown stomach it was covering. “I’m a blinged out empress, yo,” she bragged. Karkat’s jaw dropped at how much fuchsia brought out every single one of Meenah’s best features perfectly.

“How come you don’t wear that color more often?” Karkat asked. “You look gorgeous in it.”

Meenah blushed and twirled slowly. “Oh, you kiss-ass. The rest of my tyrian purple collection is too small for my whale form. And all the maternity stores sell ugly shades of purple. Like pink.”

Now that most of the party was assembled, Dave made a beeline for the alcohol. “Glad to see why you’re really here,” Meenah commented.

“Shut up. Terezi’s banned alcohol from our apartment since Trixie was born,” Dave explained. “This is my first chance to drink actual beer in months.”

“You’re such a crybaby,” Terezi teased.

“But now I’m a crybaby with booze.”

While Dave started drinking, Terezi offered Trixie over to her favorite non-relative for some play time. Karkat took the pumpkin baby and she smiled and babbled happily at him. “Has she learned any words yet?” Karkat asked.

“I wish,” Terezi sighed. “I’ve been trying to teach her ‘mommy’ for days, but she’s just not old enough, I guess.”

A moment passed during which Trixie grabbed Karkat’s face and laughed gleefully whenever he shook her hand off. “It’ll be a real shame,” Meenah said. “In a few days, Trixie will have to share her Karkat with another baby.”

“More like Karkat will be forced to pay more attention to a different baby,” Terezi laughed.

“I resent that,” Karkat said as a tiny baby fist attempted to probe his nostril. A knock sounded from the door and Karkat sighed. “I’ll get that,” he said, cradling Trixie in one arm. He opened the door to find Horuss and Rufioh, arm in arm, dressed as a horse and a pirate respectively. “What are you?” Karkat asked.

“Is your costume a babysitter?” Horuss answered.

“That’s not answering my question,” Karkat said.

“Oh right. I’m a horse!” Horuss declared proudly.

“I’m so surprised,” Karkat deadpanned. “What about you, three-hawk?”

“Oh right, I’m Rufio,” Rufioh said.

“You mean from the movie Hook?”

“Yeah.”

Karkat looked at him for a moment and took in his costume. “How the fuck did I not see that coming?” Rufioh shrugged in response and asked to be let in for the party. Karkat brought them in and introduced him as “Red-hawk and his ride.”

“Funny story about that, actually,” Horuss started.

“If it’s prompted by ‘red-hawk and his ride,’ then I definitely don’t want to know,” Karkat dismissed.

“No, it’s kind of innocent, I swear,” Horuss insisted. “I wanted Rufioh to dress up as a horse racer so he could be my rider, but he said no.”

“I appreciate the innuendo, but if you had come into my house dressed in that innuendo I would have kicked your asses out so fast, you wouldn’t need ridden for weeks,” Meenah said.

“Ouch,” Rufioh commented.

“So Karkat, what are you dressed up as?” Horuss asked.

“Nothing,” Karkat replied.

“Oh come on,” Horuss insisted. “It’s a Halloween party, you gotta dress up!”

“It’s my Halloween party, and I’ll not dress up if I want to,” Karkat countered.

Meenah cleared her throat and glared at Karkat. “Stop ruining the fun and get a costume,” she said sternly.

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Okay, where the hell am I supposed to get a costume  _on_  the day of Halloween?”

Meenah shrugged. “That’s your problem.”

Dave grabbed Karkat’s wrist and lead him to the door. “I’ve got an idea. You can borrow mine from last year.”

Five minutes later, Karkat walked back into the living room of his apartment dressed in a huge fake bottle of ketchup. “Seriously, Dave? What’s with you and wearing food items?”

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it.”

“I am trying it. And I’m going to knock it so far out of the park, Babe Ruth would be embarrassed.”

“Just have a beer,” Dave offered. “You’ll forget what you’re wearing before you know it.”

“I plan on it.”

* * *

Three hours later, the apartment smelled heavily of alcohol and the four guys who decided to drink were getting progressively louder and more obnoxious with each downed drink. “I can’t believe you guys,” Meenah said, shaking her head. “We’re out of beer now, thanks to you.”

Everyone paused and a look of horror washed over Rufioh’s face. “Out of beer? But the sun’s not even all the way down yet! What are we supposed to do for the rest of the night?”

Meenah shrugged. “Beg me to go get more, maybe?”

“No,” Karkat interrupted Rufioh before he could begin. “You’re not going anywhere. We’ll wait for the designated driver,” he paused to hiccup. “and he’ll get us some beer.”

“Oh come on, Karkat, the liquor store’s right down the street,” Meenah said. “Besides, it doesn’t seem that guy’s gonna make it.”

“He promised,” Terezi said. “He never breaks promises if he can help it.” Trixie babbled in agreement, though she didn’t know what was being said.

“Well, he’s not here now, and you guys need more beer now. So I’m gonna run down to the liquor store and get you some beer.”

Karkat looked at her warily, but finally nodded. “Okay. Be quick. And don’t do anything stupid, alright?”

“Of course. Besides, what are the odds of the baby coming right now?” To answer her question, Dave drunkenly raised his hand high above his head and giggled. “Shut up, Dave.”

“I didn’t even say anything!” Dave said, stumbling over his words. Karkat sent Meenah off with a kiss and she waddled her way to her car.

Five minutes later, a loud knock sounded on the door. Terezi rushed to open the door before someone who wasn’t sober and greeted the visitor with a smile. “I assume you’re Equius.”

Karkat tried to look over Terezi’s shoulder at the newcomer, but found he didn’t have to, since he towered over her small frame. The tall, muscular black man greeted Terezi in a booming voice. “Hello Terezi.”

“You are! Come here, you!” Terezi held her arms out for a hug and Equius gently patted her on the head before asking to be let in. “Of course you can come in,” Terezi said. “Here, meet Karkat. He lives here and his girlfriend’s the one having the baby.”

“Glad to meet you, Karkat,” the man said, offering his hand. Karkat took it and Equius gripped it so tight, he thought he was gonna lose it. “My name is Equius Zahhak. Terezi has told me much about you.”

“She’s told me zilch about you,” Karkat slurred in response. “I’m Karkat Vantas.”

“Yes, I know,” Equius said, finally letting go of Karkat’s hand. “Now where’s the expecting mother?”

“She went off to buy beer,” Karkat said. “Uh, for us! She’s not drinking. That’s why she went to get it.”

“Why didn’t she just wait for me?” Equius asked.

“She didn’t think you’d be here,” Terezi explained.

“Right. I am sorry about being late. I got held up at the gym.”

“Of course you did,” Karkat mumbled.

Rufioh inspected the newcomer and nodded knowingly. Equius was huge. His muscles bulged out from beneath his black wifebeater and his long, greasy hair rested neatly on his shoulders. Taking all this in, all Rufioh had to say was, “you’re fucking tall, man.”

“Thanks, I think,” Equius said.

“You could snap me like a twig,” Horuss commented. The fact that the two shared a last name totally went over his head, as he was thinking much different things about this man.

Now it was Dave’s turn to say something. He approached Equius and stared at him a moment before saying, “have you ever been in a porno?”

Terezi stifled giggles as Equius looked at Dave over his obviously worn sunglasses. “Seeing as I’m married, that would be extremely inappropriate. And haven’t we met before?”

Dave shrugged and Terezi explained. “Yeah, you have, but you never had the misfortune to see Dave drunk. His filter kind of dissolves.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Oh, right! Have you met Trixie yet?” Terezi asked.

“I cannot say I have,” Equius responded.

“Here, Trixe, meet Equius!” Terezi held Trixie high so she could make eye contact with Equius. Once she did, she felt intimidated by the huge stranger and started crying. “Oh baby, I’m sorry.”

Karkat heard Trixie’s crying and rushed over. “Why’s she crying?”

“Equius scared her.”

Karkat took Trixie and started rocking her in his arms. “Hey, it’s alright. He scares me too.” Trixie quieted down and started drifting off in Karkat’s arms. This was a terrible idea, seeing as he was drunk, but the crisis was averted a few minutes later when Karkat’s cell phone went off loudly, startling Trixie into crying again. He handed Trixie back to her mom and looked at his phone screen. He gulped when he saw the name on the screen and answered cautiously. “Yeah?”

The first four words out of the other line washed the color from his face and the alcohol from his system near instantaneously.

* * *

Earlier, Meenah walked into the liquor store and received a worried look from the boy behind the counter. “Uh, ma’am? Are you sure you should be drinking?”

“Oh no, don’t worry, this isn’t for me, I’m here for my buds. They’re throwing a Halloween party and totally cleared out all the booze, so I’m buying them some more.”

The boy nodded. “Alright, ma’am, just making sure.”

“I understand,” Meenah assured him. “Now what would those doofuses like?”

A few minutes later, she approached the counter with two cases of brand name beer and struggled to lift them to set them on the counter. “You sure you can carry all this home?” The employee asked.

“Of course I can,” Meenah said, obviously out of breath. “What do you think I am, a pussy?”

“No, but I do think you’re pregnant,” he said frankly.

“Excuse you, do you know how rude it is of you to assume that?” Meenah snapped.

“Is it true?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. After a moment, Meenah finally nodded agreement and he said, “then it can’t be that rude. I’ll help you carry them to your car if you need me to.”

“No, I’m fine,” Meenah insisted. “I’m just…” She paused.

“Just what?”

A moment of silence passed during which Meenah placed her hand on her stomach as if it was about to detonate. “I’m giving  _birth!_ ” She finally screamed, nearly doubling over in pain.

“Oh my god, what do I do?” The boy asked nobody in particular.

“You let me get out of here so I can drive myself to the hospital so my baby doesn’t fall out of my snatch smelling like alcohol,” Meenah demanded. She awkwardly stumbled out of the liquor store and pretty much let herself fall into her car before starting it and quickly driving away. The man behind the counter stood there awkwardly for a minute before timidly checking the floor where Meenah just was for blood, just in case.

Meenah drove as fast as she could and risked running more than a few red lights to make it to the hospital stupidly placed five miles of interstate away from the liquor store. What kind of asshole put a hospital so far away from the place where everyone obviously started labor? Meenah mentally reprimanded herself for thinking that thought and dismissed it as dumb before a contraction distracted her to the point of nearly swerving off the road. This road was dimly lit and the sun was starting to set, so if she crashed now, they may not have found her until morning. Fortunately, she made it to the hospital in one piece. She hardly bothered to park before rushing into the waiting room and alerting someone that she was “having a god damned baby.” She almost passed out right there and next thing she knew, she was listening to her phone dial someone’s number.

When Karkat picked up, Meenah’s first four words were “the fucking baby’s coming!”

On the other line, Karkat nearly dropped his phone. “What?”

“You heard me you asshole,” Meenah yelled. “Now sober up and get your ass over here because this baby has no intention of waiting for her dad.”

“I’ll be right over. Which hospital are you at?” Karkat asked.

“ _The_  hospital! Now get your ass in gear!” Meenah hung up and tossed her phone at the wall, watching it shatter into three distinct pieces: the phone, the battery, and the back holding it in. Watching it break eased her pain only slightly, but before she knew it, she was whining and groaning again as the contractions started full force.

Karkat spun around to face Equius. “Hospital. Now. Meenah’s having her baby.”

Equius and Terezi gasped while Rufioh and Dave said different, slurred variations of “does this mean we aren’t getting any more beer?”

Equius grabbed his keys out of his pocket and started for the door. “Let’s go right away.” Karkat slipped his shoes on, foregoing tying them, and turned to Terezi.

“Can you please get these morons out of here?” He asked. “I don’t want my apartment filled with passed out jackasses when I bring my baby home.”

Terezi nodded. “You got it, Karkat.”

“Thanks so much. Bye!” He tried to run out of the apartment while taking his costume off, but he ended up tripping over one of his untied shoelaces and he landed flat on his face in the doorway. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” He cursed as he slowly got up and slid his costume off. “Fuck my shoes, fuck this costume, fuck this floor, fuck this blood coming out of my nose, fuck fucking everything!”

Trixie, stimulated by the repetition, blurted out her own baby version of the word that sounded kind of like “uhck!”

“God damn it, Karkat!” Terezi yelled as he stumbled out to Equius’ car.

Karkat piled into Equius’ passenger seat and said, “To the hospital. The one off the interstate is the only one Meenah knows about, so she’s got to be at that one.”

“If she managed drive herself there all on her own, I will be surprised,” Equius remarked as he shifted into drive.

“I won’t,” Karkat said.

“She must be very strong willed,” Equius said, putting an emphasis on strong.

“You know it,” Karkat said. “Now, if she managed to find parking at the hospital  _and_  park decently, that’s when I’ll be surprised.”

She didn’t manage to do that.

When they found Meenah’s car at the hospital, it had been parked diagonally in the closest two spaces she could find. Luckily, this caused everyone to avoid parking around the car, so Equius managed to find a parking space right next to the two Meenah’s car occupied. Karkat rushed into the hospital and demanded to see his girlfriend right away. After some arguing and very loud cursing, Karkat was finally allowed to see the childbirth.

Something he regretted the moment it started. An hour and a half that felt like a lifetime passed, but finally, Karkat found himself holding a tiny child in the palm of his hand. It whined, blew bubbles, and instantly wormed its way into Karkat’s cold little heart. Meenah regained consciousness, looked at Karkat, and smiled. “Okay, asshat,” she croaked weakly. “What’s it packin’ down there?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “You just gave someone the gift of life, and that’s the first thing you ask?”

“I knew I was right!” Meenah said victoriously. “Now give my daughter here.” Karkat obliged and carefully handed his new daughter to her mother. She snuggled the newborn close to her and kissed the top of her head. “She’s perfect.”

“Careful,” Karkat warned. “You might just suffocate her with your tits before we can even name her.”

Meenah laughed weakly. “Okay then, smart ass, what do you propose we name her?”

Karkat looked at the baby girl in Meenah’s arms and thought for a minute. A name didn’t instantly pop into his head like with Trixie, but eventually he thought of one. “I like Kendra.”

Meenah looked into the little girl’s eyes, taking in every possible detail of her baby face. “Kendra’s perfect. Your name is Kendra.” The newly named baby smiled in response and it was decided. Karkat felt an almost overwhelming urge to climb into that hospital bed and cuddle with the two most important girls in his life, but he found himself able to wait, seeing as the bed was made for one person and only one person.

* * *

It wasn’t until noon the next day that the doctors let Meenah leave the hospital. With Karkat’s permission, Equius left shortly after Kendra’s birth and Karkat had to deal with Meenah’s terrible parking job. “Fucking okay, you try to park when you’re in labor with a fucking baby,” Meenah snapped when Karkat tried poking fun at her.

“Back down, soldier,” Karkat said. “I was just teasing you.”

“Good.” Meenah nodded.

“Hey, we should work on getting a car seat in here for Kendra,” Karkat suggested.

“Yeah, we’ll do that when we’re not on our way home from the hospital. For now, I just want to rest in my own bed.”

“Our own bed,” Karkat corrected.

“My own bed and your own couch,” Meenah offered. “How’s that?”

“Okay, your own bed.”

When they finally got home, they found Terezi, Dave and Trixie quickly emptying their apartment. “Why are you still here?” Karkat asked, starting to get angry. “Did you not get out when I left last night?”

“Oh, of course we did,” Terezi assured him. “We just came back to drop a little something off.”

“Oh, how sweet of you,” Meenah said. “Thanks for whatever it is.”

“No problem!” Terezi said happily. “Now go bond with your baby.” With that, the other family of three scurried off.

Karkat entered their apartment to find it cleaner than when they moved in. “Holy shit. They must have been in here all day.”

“Especially since Dave must have been doing most of the work,” Meenah commented. “Not half bad.”

Karkat explored the apartment and found in the second bedroom a small basket. He examined its contents to find a small, teal-colored stuffed dragon that was about the size Kendra was, a very simple story book about bats, and a red blanket. “Hey Meenah, check this out.”

Meenah came in the room and Karkat showed her the loot their baby got just for being born. “Hot damn, that’s awesome. We should thank them next time we get the chance.”

“Duh,” Karkat responded. He set the basket back on the floor of the empty room and immediately realized something was amiss. “Wait, this is the second bedroom, right?”

“Yeah, and?”

“It’s supposed to be Kendra’s room, right?” He asked.

“Yeah. And?”

Karkat looked around and observed the room carefully. “Meenah. We didn’t set up her fucking room.”


	7. Fuck You and Fuck Death Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a babysitter for Kendra proves harder than her parents could have dreamed. To top it all off, a violent confrontation leads to yet another god damn hospital visit. But this time, is everyone going to be leaving in one piece?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless the summary doesn't tip you off, there's some violence and graphic descriptions in this chapter, including (unintentional) violence toward an animal. You can't say I didn't warn you

When Karkat and Meenah moved in together permanently nearly a year ago, they had two apartment options. The one they did not pick was a really nice three-person apartment right across the hall from their friends Dave and Terezi. The only reason they did not pick this particular apartment was because Karkat was terribly paranoid about living on the first floor of apartment buildings. When asked, his reasoning was usually “what if someone wants to break in? We’d be on the first floor so all they would have to do is break a window to barge in and steal our shit. I don’t want to be raising a child with the imminent threat of burglary hanging over our heads.”

Meenah had mentioned repeatedly that he could legally kill a person for breaking in and stealing shit and be “at LEAST a billion percent more awesome” for it, but he insisted he was not interested in murder. Ultimately, Meenah could not argue with his logic, so the second-floor abode directly above Dave and Terezi was chosen to host the halloween-themed arrival of their baby girl, Kendra.

Kendra was a needy little girl who inherited her mother’s thin hair and her father’s wide, cranky eyes. She acted a lot like Meenah, mischievously looking around for anything to play on or with, but showed some of her father’s near-trademark anger when she was denied what she wanted. For not even being a year old, Kendra sure knew how to train her parents to wait on her hand and foot. Luckily, she got along well with Dave and Terezi’s daughter, Trixie. Unfortunately, she only chose to do so if her parents were within arm-flailing distance. This meant that no matter how nice Trixie’s parents were, Kendra would only settle for her mom and dad, which in turn meant they couldn’t go anywhere to take a break from the highly demanding job of being parents. They tried and tried, but nobody could keep Kendra satisfied quite like her parents could. Finally, Equius had a suggestion for them after a half hour of trying to force Kendra to like the big, muscular man that only made her cry with his intense stare.

“I know somebody who could help you. My best friend has experience in this field, so she may be able to assist you.”

Karkat’s first response was “you have friends?” but he decided to reply more respectfully. “Oh really? She babysits?”

“Well, she cat sits,” Equius admitted. “But it can’t be too different, can it?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Sure, they’re the exact same fucking thing. Alright, fine. We’ll see how well she does.”

A week later, one Nepeta Leijon stood at the front door with a smile on her face and a happy glint in her eye. “You must be Nepeta,” Karkat greeted.

“That’s me, alright,” She responded happily. “My friend Equius has told me a lot about you and Meenah and your baby.”

“Did he tell you how clingy she is?” Karkat asked.

“He sure did. I promise I’ll do my best to make sure your Kendra is happy even without you right beside her.”

“That’s what Terezi said,” Karkat assured her. “She didn’t get any results either.”

“Well, at least let me try,” Nepeta requested.

“You wouldn’t be here if we weren’t planning on it. Come on in.” Karkat moved aside and allowed Nepeta to briefly explore their house. She smelled overwhelmingly of cat, which prompted Karkat to pray Kendra wasn’t allergic. His fears were eased when Kendra laid eyes on Nepeta and instantly reached out to meet this new friend. Nepeta took her and introduced herself to a happy smile, a spit bubble, and incomprehensible babbling. Karkat and Meenah snuck out the door and waited to hear the wails that signaled their child being lonely. Five minutes passed and no cries came. Meenah and Karkat entered their apartment again to find Kendra happily playing with Nepeta and their jaws dropped.

Not one to let an opportunity like this go to waste, Meenah bolted for her room with a cry of “Give me one hour, Karkat; we’re going places tonight!”

Somewhat true to her word, the two were out of that apartment an hour and a half later, dead-set on having their first care-free night since before Kendra was even born. First, they made their way to a nice dinner at Outback Steakhouse (because “ _fuck_  Applebee’s this time, Meenah. Please.”) Once that was over and paid for, they went to the movie theater right down the street from the restaurant. Here, a dispute rose. Karkat wanted to see a romantic comedy whereas Meenah wanted to watch the newest horror movie and neither of them felt like budging.

“I’ve told you a million times, Meenah, I’m not into horror movies,” Karkat insisted. “They’re not my thing.”

“And I’ve told you even more that chick flicks aren’t my thing,” Meenah shot back.

“They’re not chick flicks, they’re romcoms!”

“Whatever it is, I’m going to fall asleep halfway through like I normally do. Do you want to have to wake me up in a public movie theater?”

Karkat frowned. “Good point. Okay, fine. We’ll watch the scar—horror movie.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Meenah asked. “Are you scared of a movie?”

“No, I just don’t like those kinds of movies,” Karkat explained.

“Baby.”

“Hey!”

* * *

“That movie sucked,” Karkat huffed as they got in their car to head home.

“It scared you, though,” Meenah supplied.

“That’s not indicative of a movie’s quality. Did it have relatable and realistic characters? No. Was the writing smart and able to stand the test of time? No. Was the story telling inventive and thought provoking? No, it was just a guy in latex gore jumping out of dark hallways and killing teenagers that all had overactive sex drives and were all assigned one-dimensional tropes.”

Meenah put her finger in her ear as if Karkat had screamed. “But it still scared you.”

Karkat sighed. “Yes, fine. It scared me. A little bit.”

“You screamed like a little girl.”

“ _A little bit._ ”

The drive home was quiet. Karkat and Meenah were tired and eager to get back home for some well deserved rest. When they got home, they were greeted with a smiley Nepeta and a sleeping Kendra. “I fed her and put her to bed for you guys,” Nepeta explained.

“Oh really? Wow, thank you,” Karkat said.

“Can I ask a favor of you guys?” Nepeta asked.

“What’s up, home slice?” Meenah responded.

“Can I wait here for my ride to come get me?”

“Your ride?” Karkat asked. “You need to go somewhere?”

“Yeah, I don’t live in this building like you do,” Nepeta explained. “I live further into the neighborhood and Equius drove me here today since he’s going to be fixing my car. So I’m going to call him and ask him to come pick me up.”

Karkat nodded. “Don’t bother. I’ll drive you home.”

“Really?”

“Sure, that—and paying you I guess—is the least we can do for you.”

“Wow, Karkat, thank you so much!”

“No problem at all. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll head out.”

* * *

It was almost midnight and Karkat sure was tired. He wanted nothing more than to drop Nepeta off and go home to sleep with his loving girlfriend and child. Halfway between the apartment building and Nepeta’s house, though, he learned that a good night’s sleep was going to be the last thing he got. About a mile away from Nepeta’s house, a blur streaked across the road. Nepeta yelled for Karkat to look out and Karkat stomped on the brakes to barely avoid hitting the little orange cat that was scurrying along the road. Unfortunately, a car going the opposite way of Karkat and his daughter’s babysitter did not see the cat, and Karkat gasped as he watched the cat’s head disappear under their tire with a sickening crunch. “Oh my god, did that car hit the cat?” Nepeta asked. She couldn’t quite see the impact around Karkat’s big head.

Karkat gulped and kept the car moving. “Yep, they hit it alright. I heard it.”

“We’ve gotta turn around!” Nepeta commanded.

“Are you insane? We’re almost there.” As he said this, he pulled into the left turn lane at a red light.

“You can turn around here, we need to see if that cat’s alright!”

Karkat shook his head. “I saw that thing get hit. It’s probably long gone.”

“We gotta check!” Nepeta insisted. Karkat sighed and turned around. They rolled up to the cat and Karkat saw it’s body undulate strangely. In retrospect, he would assume that it was the cat’s body relaxing and expelling all of the waste that was not yet released. He had heard people did that upon death, so maybe this was a cat version of that.

“Looks dead,” he informed his passenger. Nepeta refused to accept this and jumped out of the car. Karkat rolled his eyes, put the car in park and flipped on the hazard lights before getting out with her. He nervously inched over to where Nepeta was standing so he could get a closer look at the orange tabby cat. He took one look at its face and jumped back, whimpering like a child. The cat’s eye was open, as per usual instant deaths, and its jaw was open, as no conscious effort was being made to keep it closed. Blood pooled around the cat’s head and a stain was creeping along its fur. “Oh, jesus,” Karkat said, starting to feel kind of sick. Nepeta kneeled down and placed a hand on the cat’s chest. “What are you doing?” Karkat whispered.

“I’m checking to see if it’s still breathing,” Nepeta explained, gently pressing down on the cat in numerous areas. She pressed firmly on its neck and said, “now I’m checking for a pulse.” After a moment, Nepeta shook her head. “It’s dead,” she sobbed as tears started flooding her eyes.

She reached down and closed the one eye that she could reach before getting up and solemnly making her way back to the car. Karkat was glad to not have to look at the cat anymore and was relieved to drive a quietly crying Nepeta the rest of the way home. After he paid her, he patted her comfortingly on the back. “Hey, you did the best you could for that cat.”

“I wish we could have saved it,” Nepeta sighed.

“I think the only one who could have done that would have been the asshole who hit it. Anyway, you go get some rest. We’ll call you if we ever need Kendra looked after again, okay?”

Nepeta smiled weakly. “I’d like that. I really like her.”

“Then it’s a good thing she likes you too, huh?” With that, Nepeta left his car and Karkat headed home after watching to make sure she was inside her house. He passed the cat on his way and made sure to be as far away from it as he could without leaving his lane.

* * *

Karkat told Meenah about the cat the next day while they were chilling out on the couch and, just as he expected, Meenah was fascinated as opposed to mortified. “Wow, that’s really fuckin’ cool,” she said after he explained the gruesome sound that accompanied the death of the cat.

“No, it was traumatizing,” Karkat corrected.

“You should have taken a picture.”

“I wasn’t going to take a picture of a dead cat!”

“Damn,” Meenah sighed. “If it were me, I’d take three.”

“Yeah well, you’re just—”

“Braver than you?” Meenah finished his sentence for him.

“No, you’re more weirdly into death and stuff.”

“No, I’m just less afraid of it.”

“How can you not be afraid of death?” Karkat asked, bewildered.

“Of course I’m afraid of it happening to me or someone I know,” Meenah admitted. “I’m just not afraid of it in general. Watching dumbasses on TV die is fun. Watching the cat die would have been a cool experience because I would be able to say I saw a real life cat bite the dust. It’s only when someone I know dies that I don’t like it.”

“What about when Michael Jackson died?” Karkat asked.

“We don’t speak of the dark times,” Meenah deadpanned.

Karkat laughed and put an arm around Meenah. “You’re crazy,”

“You’re the one dating me, yo,” Meenah replied. “I think that says a lot for the both of us.”

“Probably,” Karkat agreed, resting his head on Meenah’s. They snuggled up to each other and just as they got comfy, the sounds of Kendra starting to cry starting rising from the crib that they moved to the living room for today. “It’s your turn,” Karkat said quickly, which elicited a frustrated groan from his girlfriend.

* * *

Karkat knew it was going to be a long evening when Meenah sent him on an emergency grocery store run for tampons. It was about half a month after the dead cat scenario and Meenah found herself in desperate and immediate need of a box of tampons. “I only have one left and that and the one I’m currently using are not going to last me through the week, so I need you to get some for me, please,” she had said.

“Why can’t you get them?” Karkat asked.

“Because Kendra hasn’t eaten in a while and I need to be ready to feed her whenever she needs it,” Meenah explained. “And I won’t be ready if I’m in the middle of Wal-Mart holding a box of tampons.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “You just want me to embarrass myself in that aisle, don’t you?”

“That’s an upside for sure,” Meenah admitted. “But I really need these, alright?”

“You’re lucky I love you,” Karkat finally said, grabbing the keys. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”

* * *

Karkat’s rush through the grocery store came to a screeching halt in the aisle dedicated to feminine products. He scanned the wall of green, red, blue and purple packaging up and down but the one thing he could not find was Meenah’s specified brand. After an embarrassingly long time spent staring at the shelves, he finally found the correct brand and snatched them before he could get any more strange looks. He found the shortest possible self check-out line and left Wal-Mart as fast as his legs would carry him. He hopped in the car and drove home as fast as the rules of the road would allow.

Unfortunately, traffic slowed down due to an accident halfway to his destination, so twenty minutes became forty five before he finally made his way to his front door. He put his key in the keyhole and turned it to hear the latch unlock. Except, he didn’t hear that latch tell him the door was unlocking. He explicitly remembered locking the door a quarter of an hour ago and he had seen Meenah’s car in its usual parking space when he pulled in. Had Terezi visited while he was away? He prayed that was the case as he slowly opened the door. That was when he heard Meenah’s voice say his name in a way he’d never heard it before. Her voice was weak and scared, which sent chills down Karkat’s spine and made the blood rush from his face so fast he nearly got woozy.

Then he heard the strange voice say, “shut up.”

“Meenah!” He ran into their room, where a pale, teary-eyed Meenah and a vaguely troubled Kendra sat on the floor next to Meenah’s dresser, which was being thoroughly examined by a tall man wearing a black muscle shirt and black jeans. His hair was unkempt, greasy, and almost as black as Equius’. He held a gun in the hand that was not searching through Meenah’s clothes, which was currently the hand that was further away from Meenah and Kendra. Karkat did the first thing that came to mind and hurled the medium sized box of tampons at the man’s head. It smacked him, causing him to curse loudly and whip around to face this new challenger. He pointed the gun at Meenah and Kendra menacingly, causing Meenah to scream.

“Make a move and the bitch gets pumped full of lead,” He threatened. Karkat took a step back, terrified to his core to see his girlfriend and daughter threatened like this. Meenah’s distress was now affecting Kendra, who started to whine and whimper.

Hearing his daughter start to cry changed something in Karkat, and he found that now the fear in him was being converted to pure, unfiltered anger. “Get out of my house. Now,” he ordered. “Or else.”

The man raised an eyebrow at him and smirked. “Who’s the one who has the gun here?” Silence. “That’s what I thought. Not another move.” He turned around to continue going through Meenah’s valuables, and the moment he did so, Karkat ran at him recklessly. He grabbed the man’s shoulders and spun, sending the intruder stumbling a few steps away. He whipped around and aimed his gun at Karkat, but he couldn’t find the trigger before Karkat tackled him to the ground and made an attempt at wrestling the firearm from his grasp. He smacked Karkat’s nose with the gun and threw him off of him. He scrambled to his feet, followed closely by the owner of the apartment. Karkat’s nose had started to bleed, but he paid it no mind as he grabbed the man’s wrist, again attempting to free the gun from his grasp. They grappled for the gun for a moment before Karkat realized that the scuffle had somehow pointed the robber’s back to the window three feet away. He tried to push him towards it, but another whack with the gun sent him stumbling back a few steps. When he regained his composure, he was sharply aware of everything except the pain in his face. The adrenaline numbed the pain while he took in his girlfriend trembling, his daughter crying, the stranger in his room, the sweat rolling down this guy’s face, the number on the clock, which read 7:50, and the barrel of a gun, which was pointed squarely at his torso.

Then the gun went off and everything went black.

* * *

Karkat dreamed about that incident several times. Sometimes it was precisely what happened, sometimes it was illustrated with comic book-like pastel-colored flashes to accompany the pain, and sometimes it ended in the same black void except he would hear an unfamiliar, worrying  _crack_ shortly after. The only thing that every single dream shared was a continuous, distant  _beep_. Even if they were placed differently throughout the dreams, he always heard a  _beep_. Sometimes it sounded more like  _be-beep_. Sometimes the beeps sped up at the end and cut out just as abruptly as the rest of the dream.

The box of tampons sailing through the air.

_Beep._

“Make a move and the bitch gets pumped full of lead.”

_Be-beep._

Kendra’s whining.

_Be-beep, be-beep._

The barrel of the pistol lighting up.

_Be-beep, be-beep, be-beep!_

_Crack!_

_Beep. Beep…_

* * *

When the beeps started coming and the dream did not follow, Karkat dared not open his eyes. He was terrified that he would see the same god damn scene all over again. He groaned and—wait, he didn’t remember groaning during the confrontation.

“Karkat?”

That was Meenah’s voice, but it wasn’t anywhere near the tone she held the last time he heard her. He finally dared to open his eyes and found a white tiled ceiling. He inhaled and felt the familiar scent of sick people enter his nostrils. He turned his head towards the source of Meenah’s voice and found the very pale, very distraught, yet still very beautiful girl who the voice belonged to. Her eyes lit up at the sight of him moving and he cracked a weak smile at her in response. Meenah stood up as fast as she could and…left the room. Confused, Karkat looked around the small hospital room and examined the various tubes and devices hooked up to his arms. “That explains the beeps, anyway,” he croaked. His own voice surprised him, because it was so different from how he was used to hearing it. It was far weaker than usual and it was obvious he’d gone a long time without drinking anything. Before he could dwell on it much longer, Meenah burst in with Terezi, Dave, and, surprisingly, Equius accompanying her. The four of them started talking at once and Karkat could not keep up with all the voices. Finally, after trying his very best to comprehend the stories they were telling him, he closed his eyes, rolled his head away from the noise, and went right back to sleep.

* * *

When he woke up a good half-day later, Meenah alone told him the story of where he was and how he got there.

The man had shot at Karkat. As far as she could tell at the time, the bullet hit Karkat’s mid-section and made him stumble back to the wall. He stared down at the wound for a moment, watching it bleed and teetering on the edge of consciousness, before the adrenaline took over again. He screamed ad charged at the intruder. He smacked into him as hard as he could and sent the man tumbling out the window, followed closely by nasty shards of glass. The man landed on the ground in such a way that his neck snapped upon impact. The coroner had said he died instantly, but Meenah liked to think that the glass shard that lacerated his neck helped him along tremendously. The way she worded it was enough to make Karkat nauseous. When the man landed, Karkat fainted and Meenah frantically called the police. They had taken Karkat to the hospital and managed to remove the bullet and save the surrounding organs (“like the spleen or whatever I don’t remember which one,”) but he stayed asleep for nearly a month in wavering condition. “Can I go back to bed now?” He asked upon hearing what he did. “Tell them they can take me to jail while I sleep.”

Meenah shook her head. “Haven’t you ever heard the law? If someone comes in uninvited and then attempts something illegal, the home owner has every right to use lethal force if necessary. Our lawyer told me all about it.”

“We have a lawyer?”

“We do now,” Meenah said. “His name is Dick.”

“Please tell me you didn’t make fun of his name,” Karkat groaned.

“But how could I resist?”

“I’m going back to bed.”

Meenah laughed. “I think you’re all better.”

The doctor assigned to watching over Karkat did not, however, because he insisted on keeping him in another two weeks at least.

Three long, agonizing weeks of hospital cafeteria food later, a grumpy Karkat was released from the hospital. When they finally arrived, they were greeted by a very tired Nepeta and a restless Kendra. Kendra was visibly distressed that her dad had not been home for a long time, so the moment she saw him she wailed loudly to tell Nepeta she desired someone else’s company. Karkat took his daughter from her babysitter and gave all of his attention to her until long after Nepeta had left. He was amazed at how much Kendra had grown in a month and a bit disappointed that he wasn’t there to witness it. Hours of playing with his now elated daughter later, he cradled her in his arms as she drifted to sleep, quietly and happily babbling to herself. He laid her down in her crib and flopped down onto his bed. It felt so nice after a month away that he fell asleep almost instantly.

What felt like half an instant later, Kendra’s loud cries could be heard throughout his and Meenah’s apartment. He groaned and decided it was his turn to see what her problem was. After he got her to settle down, he made his way back into his room. “Hey, Meenah,” He said, waking up his girlfriend.

“What’s up? Is she hungry?” She asked.

“Take me back to the hospital so I can get some rest,” Karkat requested.

Meenah smiled dreamily and rolled back over. “Go the fuck to sleep, you sea cucumber.”

“Okay. I love you Meenah.”

“Love you too, loser.”


	8. Fuck You and Fuck Friends Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's childhood best friend Sollux decides a visit is in order, but how will Sollux's hatred of small children combine with Karkat's own small child on said small child's first birthday? And why the hell is Horuss a unicorn? One of these questions gets an answer. We don't want to know why Horuss is a unicorn.

The moment Karkat told Sollux, his best friend from his hometown, the story of how he killed a man, Sollux stopped him before he could tell the whole story and said “Okay, that does it, we need to do this storytelling in person. When's a good time for you and your new bitch?”

“First of all,” Karkat started, “Don't call her a bitch. Second, um, Halloween is the day we're having two different parties at once, so maybe we could add a third get-together party too?”

“I don't like the idea of making two into three, so I'll just come for one of the others. What are they?”

“Well, one of them is a regular halloween party between friends,” Karkat started.

“And the other one?”

“It's uh, kind of a birthday party. For--”

“Oh your girlfriend's celebrating her birthday?” Sollux assumed. He had a bad habit of doing that. “I will absolutely come for her birthday.”

“That's not—”

“What should I bring for a present?” Sollux asked with that lisp he could never shake.

Karkat didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't Meenah's birthday, but his daughter's birthday when he was already so dedicated to the birthday, so he just told Sollux that he didn't need to bring a present. After they made the preliminary plans, he set the phone down and sighed. “Well, my best friend from before even middle school is coming to the Halloween party,” he told Meenah.

“Sweet, I can't wait to get drunk with him,” Meenah responded. “Now get your sweet bass over here and play with Kendra. It's your turn.”

“Can you tone down on the fish puns around our daughter? I don't want her picking up that kind of language.”

“How aboat no fuck you.”

What he didn't tell Meenah was that Sollux thought it was her birthday. More importantly, he neglected to mention that Sollux absolutely hated kids and would flip his shit if he learned he dedicated himself to coming to a baby's first birthday party that two babies would be attending.

Speaking of the two little girls, Kendra and Trixie, Dave and Terezi's daughter, got along fantastically when Karkat finally decided Kendra was old enough to start meeting the other baby in his life. After a rocky start that involved Kendra accidentally punching Trixie and plenty of loud crying from both parties, the babies started playing pretty well and were only injuring each other once a week, down from twice per visit. Now, Kendra's very first birthday was fast approaching, and Karkat would have to get used to the fact that Halloween would never be the same as it used to be for him. Preparing a costume for himself and helping Meenah look for a costume for Kendra was hard enough, but planning a birthday party at the same time was going to prove to be harder on him (and his wallet) as Kendra got older.

Finding a costume for their baby that wasn't stereotypical as fuck proved to be the hardest thing about this Halloween, because every single costume was either a bee, a flower, or a pumpkin. Finally, they found a costume that Karkat didn't even know existed: a fish costume especially for babies. The moment Meenah saw the thing, there was no convincing her that Kendra was dressing up as anything but a purple fish with sparkly scales.

“Do you know what this means, Karkat?” She asked him excitedly.

“What?”

“We can fuckin' match costumes!” Meenah rushed back to the adult costumes with Karkat struggling to keep up while holding a baby. “You'll be a crab of course. I mean, it only fits since you're a cancer and kind of...lots of crabby.”

“Gee, thanks?

What he said was disregarded and Meenah babbled to herself about what she should be. “I won't be a whale. We've been over that before. I could be a dolphin, but what's the point of being a dolphin if you can be the much cooler version of a dolphin?”

“Which is...?”

“A shark, duh!” Meenah continued scouring the costumes while Karkat sighed at their daughter.

“I hope you grow up to like fish, Kendra, or else I don't know how you'll survive this.”

“I got it, I'll be an octopus!”

* * *

 

When Halloween finally arrived, the first visitors Karkat's apartment welcomed were Horuss and Rufioh, the tall, somewhat creepy, horrendously dressed gay couple from a few floors up. This year, Rufioh was dressed as Peter Pan and Horuss was a very flamboyant unicorn.

Asking this while considering their costumes was like asking a cat to develop opposable thumbs, but Karkat implored that the two “please don't embarrass me in front of my old friend,” as they placed their beer on the kitchen counter gingerly.

“Might as well ask them to not even breathe,” Meenah teased. Kendra babbled from her arms, signifying that she recognized these weirdos barging into her mommy and daddy's apartment.

“I'd appreciate that too,” Karkat admitted.

Horuss laughed and slapped Karkat on the back. “Don't worry dude, I'm sure none of us will remember anything that goes down tonight.”

Karkat shuddered. “That doesn't make me feel any better.”

Just then, a knock sounded at the door and Karkat scrambled to get it, causing a laugh from his already present company.

“Wow, you really wear the crab well, yo...” Rufioh complimented.

“Fuck you too, buddy,” Karkat snapped.

“Hey, not without me being involved,” Horuss said.

“Shut up Horuss,” Meenah sighed.

Karkat opened the door to reveal Dave and Terezi. He sighed in relief and let them in. “Wait a god damned second,” He said as soon as Dave came in. “Are you wearing the exact same grody-ass banana suit you wore last year?”

“Hell yeah I am,” Dave said proudly. “If Terezi's allowed to wear the same thing twice, so am I.”

“This is different,” Terezi explained. “This is my cosplay. I keep it neat and clean and maintained so I can wear it multiple times. That costume, on the other hand, was designed to be worn once.”

“Mic drop,” Horuss said in a singsong voice.

“Don't tempt her while she's holding our baby,” Dave warned.

Trixie, the baby in question, excitedly pointed at Karkat and giggled as she called out his costume. “Crab.”

“That's right, Trixie,” Karkat said as Terezi put her on the ground, where she stood shakily. “And what are you?”

“Trixie!” She said proudly.

“No, what are you dressed as, silly?”

“Oh,” Trixie looked down at her costume and nearly stumbled forward doing so. When Karkat caught her, she declared that she was a bee.

“She liked the stripes,” Dave explained.

“Now remember what we agreed on Dave,” Terezi reminded him. “You're not drinking tonight, because you need to keep an eye on Trixie and make sure she doesn't get into any trouble.”

Dave sighed and hunched his banana back. “Yeah, I know.”

Meenah pointed and laughed at Dave. “Sucker. I get booze this year because I didn't get any last year.”

“Don't tease him, Meenah,” Karkat implored.

Dave nodded at Karkat. “So I take it I'm not the only one sitting at the sober dad's table this year?”

“Yeah,” Karkat admitted. “Someone had to keep an eye on Kendra while we party, and Meenah was dead set on drinking this time. Besides, I always do stupid, offensive shit in front of Sollux when I'm drunk, so it's for the best.”

“Where is that guy, anyway?” Terezi asked. “Unless he's just really, really quiet...”

Just then, a knock sounded from the door and Karkat tensed up nervously. “Well, that should be him.” He hoisted Kendra up and made his way to the door. “On second thought,” He stopped in his tracks and looked at his daughter. “Can you hold her while I answer the door, Meenah? If this is the first thing Sollux sees, he'll bolt.”

“Shore thing,” Meenah said, taking her child.

“What did I say about the aquatic puns in front of Kendra?” Karkat reminded her.

“Go answer the door, fuckwit,” Meenah responded.

Karkat opened the door, finally starting to get excited to see his old friend, but was greeted by a completely unfamiliar face. “Who the fuck are you?”

“I'm the pizza guy.” The kid's bored face was peppered with acne and he seemed eager to get home.

“Um, none of us ordered pizza,” Karkat said, looking around at the guests that were present.

Horuss nervously stepped forward and raised his hand. “Um, I did.” In response to this, Rufioh shook his head disapprovingly.

“Thanks for the warning,” Karkat deadpanned. “Now pay for your fucking pizza.”

Horuss paid the guy and thanked him for his services before shooing him away. Rufioh sternly whispered something in Horuss' ear and he nodded solemnly, which lead Karkat to believe that their plan was to make him pay for the pizza. That pissed him off even more than the unexpected visit keeping him from seeing his old friend, but before he could go off on the two, the doorbell rang again. “This has _got_ to be him this time,” Karkat said hopefully. “Everyone shut the fuck up and let me introduce him to you.”

He rushed to the door and opened it to see his best friend Sollux Captor's usual bowlcut, dark transition lenses, and smirk. Practically clinging to his scrawny arm was his beautiful girlfriend Feferi Peixes. Her poofy, absurdly long hair tumbled down to her thighs like a black, cascading waterfall and her eyes sparkled at the sight of him. “Sollux, Feferi! It's about time you get here,” Karkat greeted.

“Hey Karkat, long time no see,” Sollux lisped. He brought Karkat in for a bro hug and afterward, Feferi nearly tackled him with one of those bear hugs she liked to give.

“It's been way too long!” She said happily. “You've grown so...not very much, actually.” Sollux chuckled and Karkat shoot Feferi an unamused look before letting them inside.

“Let me introduce you to my new group of...people.” Karkat didn't want to say friends because that would be a little more affectionate towards Horuss and Rufioh than he liked to be.

“Let's go worst to best,” Sollux requested, putting Karkat on the spot. He had a weird way of knowing when to do that at the worst times.

“If you insist,” Karkat said. “First is the resident gay couple, Horrus and Rufioh.” He walked Feferi and Sollux inside and they made a beeline for the towers of gay. “Horuss, Rufioh, these are my friends Sollux and Feferi.

Cordial introductions passed, as well as a mean look between Rufioh and Karkat, before he shuffled his friends toward the next couple. “And this is Dave and his girlfriend Terezi. They're pretty cool.”

“Yo,” Dave greeted.

“Yo,” Sollux echoed.

“Hi!” Terezi said, looking in the general direction of the new friends.

“Are you...?” Feferi started to ask, trying to look around Terezi's red sunglasses.

“Blind? Yes.”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” Sollux said. “I'd hate to have to go through that shit.”

“It's okay, I've adjusted,” Terezi said. “Oh, and this is our daughter.”

“Daughter...?” Sollux asked wearily.

“Trixie, come here, baby!” Terezi called. In response, the toddler shakily waddled toward her parents, where Dave picked her up to meet these new people. “This is our daughter, Trixie.”

“Um, hi there,” Sollux said cautiously, as if the baby could explode at any moment.

“Oh my glub! She's so adorabubble!” Feferi exclaimed,

“She does the fish thing too?” Karkat asked Sollux.

“Too? Oh fuck don't tell me someone else here does,” Sollux whined.

“Um, yeah...”

As Feferi fawned over the child, Sollux sighed. “You didn't tell me there would be a baby here, KK.”

“I didn't have the time to,” Karkat explained. “And uh, it's more than one.”

“Two? Can't these two keep their pants on?” Sollux sighed again.

“Well, you'll see,” Karkat said nervously. After Sollux finally pried Feferi off the young one, they made their way to the final member of Karkat's new group. “This is my girlfriend, Meenah.”

“Meenah Peixes, yo. Karkat's told me all kinds of wicked shit about how rad you are.”

“Wait, Peixes?” Feferi asked. “Are we related at all?”

Meenah shrugged. “I don't know.”

“Well anyway, happy birthday,” Sollux said to Meenah.

“Water you on about?” Meenah asked. “This ain't my birthday, it's hers.” She held up the baby in her arms, causing Sollux to finally notice her. “This is Kendra.” Kendra babbled at Sollux and Feferi and while she swooned, Sollux fumed.

“KK,” he started menacingly. “Is this yours?”

“Straight out of his ballsack,” Meenah answered.

“Too much information,” Feferi giggled.

“KK, why didn't you tell me you had a brat?” Sollux demanded.

“She's not a brat, and you wouldn't let me tell you. You were in such a rush to get off the phone that you hung up before I could tell you.”

“It's called texting, dumbass,” Sollux spat.

“Guys, please don't start a fight,” Feferi pleaded. “Sollux, you only have to put up with the baby for a few days and then we'll go home.”

“A few days?” Karkat asked.

“We rented a hotel room,” Feferi explained. “It's not too far away and we don't have to sleep on your couch,”

“Yeah, we were going to stay a few extra days,” Sollux added.

“ _Are_ going to stay,” Feferi corrected him.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Sollux stormed to the pizza and angrily took a slice.

Karkat sighed. “I didn't mean to make him mad...”

“Don't worry about it,” Feferi assured him. “He'll get over himself and start acting like your best friend again.

True to Feferi's words, Sollux loosened up and started to enjoy himself. The two best friends spent the majority of the party catching up and letting Feferi fawn over Kendra. She absolutely adored both of the children present and the children adored her. Even though Karkat had to stay sober, Sollux got smashed and was stumbling and slurring (which didn't sound good next to lisping) while Karkat made sure both he and Kendra stayed out of trouble. “Please tell me he has a driver,” Karkat asked Feferi at one point.

“Of course. I'll take him home,” Feferi promised.

“Good.”

Midnight arrived and, in fear of getting a nasty letter on his door the next morning, Karkat made all of the attendees get back to their own places for the night. Horuss and Rufioh left rather quickly, shooting suggestive glances at each other. Feferi and Sollux left after deciding to check out the town the next day, and Terezi and Dave made their way back to their apartment after promising Karkat that he could have the next day to show his old friends around town.

* * *

 

The next day started at noon when Sollux and Feferi appeared once more at Karkat's door. After about an hour of talking about everything this town had to offer, they decided to get a move on. The first stop was the mall. It wasn't a particularly interesting tourist destination, but Sollux wanted to hear the story of how they met, and what better place to tell it than the mall where Karkat took Meenah to buy her sex toys? After sharing a laugh about the story over a meal from the various restaurants at the food court, they decided to wander. Karkat had to pry Meenah off the sex toys section of Spencer's because “you're not buying new dildos in front of my friends! What a terrible first impression.”

After that was an uneventful trip to the mini golf course, followed up by a surprisingly uneventful meal at Applebee's, where Karkat recalled all the crazy shit that went down at that damn restaurant.

Feferi spent the whole day torn between admiring the baby and partly participating in the conversations. If Karkat didn't know better, he would have been afraid Feferi would steal that little girl right out of her carseat.

Finally, at about eleven thirty, Feferi decided it was time to take a rest at the hotel room. After bidding another farewell, the two were off, leaving Meenah and Karkat to try to wind down while still keeping Kendra entertained.

* * *

 

Back at the hotel room, Sollux kicked off his shoes and stretched out on the bed. “Wasn't that nice?” Feferi asked him, kicking her shoes off and closing the door tight.

As the lock clicked, Sollux mumbled a yes.

“See, I told you you would get along with the baby,” Feferi said as she walked across the room and stood with her back to Sollux in front of a mirror above one of the dressers.

“Barely,” Sollux admitted. “If she blew one more spit bubble, I would have jumped out of that car so fast.”

“Oh, you drama queen,” Feferi teased. She swiftly removed her shirt and tossed it to the ground. As she reached around her back to undo her bra strap, Sollux raised an eyebrow.

“Do you want me to not look or something?” He asked.

“Now why would I ask that?” Feferi pondered as she let her bra fall to the floor.

Sollux timidly tried to crane his neck to look into the mirror at the right angle to scope out his girlfriend's chest as he said, “Well, you usually do...”

“I know,” Feferi said, grabbing a comb and starting to do her long, silky hair. “But I'm okay with it now.”

“All of a sudden?” Sollux asked.

“Well yeah. How long have we been dating?”

“Three and a half years,” Sollux answered. Just as he almost got the perfect angle, Feferi moved to just the perfect spot for Sollux not to see anything.

“Yeah, I figured it's about time I start to open up and be okay with that sort of thing.” Feferi put her comb down and Sollux heard a snapping noise before the jeans she wore that day fell to the floor.

“You know, if you wanna tease me like that, you'll need shorter hair,” Sollux said. “All I can see from here is a sea of black hair.” After he said that, a pair of pink panties flew over Feferi's shoulder and landed on Sollux's shoulder. He fumbled with them, trying to discard them while keeping his composure. Feferi whirled around and sauntered toward the bed, where Sollux was now sitting up. Sollux lost his ability to construct coherent sentences as his completely naked girlfriend sat next to him on the bed and started kissing his neck. He wasn't used to this kind of surprise as usually the two would decide in advance if they were getting laid that night or not. She never sprung this kind of thing on him last minute. She undid his jeans and slid them and his underwear down just enough to reveal her goal.

“I want to ask you a favor,” Feferi whispered into his ear as she started stroking him.

“Um, I, okay, shoot,” Sollux stuttered.

Feferi giggled. “You're so excited, aren't you?” She teased. Sollux didn't respond and she giggled again as she placed one of his hands on her plump breast. “Okay, so, I know you don't really like it, and I know how you feel, but...”

“Bondage?” Sollux guessed. Obviously his brain was not doing the thinking right this moment.

Feferi laughed. “No, you see, I...well, I kind of want a baby.”

Sollux's hand dropped from her chest and he looked at her like she was crazy. “What?!”

“Well, you see,” Feferi started explaining her request as she started stroking him faster, but Sollux was having none of it. He shooed her hand away from his groin and started to pull his pants up. “Is that why you're making like you're gonna fuck me? So I'll agree to have a baby with you?”

“Well, I'm horny too,” Feferi admitted. “But I figured I'd ask while you were in a good mood.”

“Good or bad mood, the answer is no,” Sollux insisted. “I won't be involved in that child raising nonsense that all of our friends seem to be getting into these days.”

“Oh come on, you'll be such a good dad,” Feferi pleaded.

“No I won't. I'd be the shittiest dad ever. No is no.” Sollux shook his head. “And if you're gonna use sex to try to persuade me, I'm going to go sleep somewhere else tonight.”

“I'm not using it to persuade you,” Feferi insisted, starting to panic. “Please don't go somewhere else.”

“KK will let me stay with him,” Sollux said, grabbing his car keys, buttoning his pants back up and heading for the door.

“So since I asked for a kid, you're gonna go spend the night with one?” Feferi asked.

“Better than a lifetime, and definitely better than spending it with someone who fucks me just to get what she wants.”

“That's not why I'm going to--” Feferi started, but the door slamming interrupted her. “Sollux, no...” She stared at the door, hoping for it to open again and for Sollux to come back to his senses, but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't coming back tonight, so she just cried silently.

* * *

 

“Whoever's there better have a good reason to be knocking on our fucking door at midnight,” Meenah griped.

“Don't worry about it,” Karkat said as he got out of bed. “You stay here and I'll take care of it.”

“Homie, I don't got a shirt on, I was planning on staying here.”

Karkat opened the door carefully and found Sollux on the other side. “Sollux? Did you forget something here?”

“My girlfriend's dignity and sanity, apparently,” Sollux answered, storming past Karkat and into the apartment. “So I need to stay here for the night.”

“You got in a fight?” Karkat assumed.

“She fucking wants kids,” Sollux explained. “She knows how I feel about kids and she decided to ask for them anyway. While we were fucking too!” He sat on the couch and shook his head. “Bitch.”

“Now, Sollux, you know you don't mean that,” Karkat said, switching into best friend mode. “Do you want a beer?”

“Sure,” Sollux replied.

Karkat grabbed two bottles, sat on the couch, and handed one to his friend. “Now let's talk about it. She wants kids.”

“Yes,” Sollux answered.

“And she decided to ask you in the middle of sex?”

“More like before we actually got freaky.”

“I see.” Karkat nodded. “I understand her reasoning. Asking you while you're feeling good is a good way to get a good answer.”

“I guess, but she should know the answer is no. Ever since we got here, she's been wrapped around that damn baby's little finger.” Sollux shot an accusing glare at Karkat. “What's the deal with that anyway? What happened to Karkat 'I'll never have kids ever' Vantas?”

Karkat leaned back into the couch and sipped his beverage. “Yeah, well, you see, that was true until Terezi and Dave had a child. And, well, while I was holding her for the first time, I looked at how young she was, and how everything her parents do from here on out will shape an entire, actual human being. And I just remember thinking that this was what I felt like I was meant to do.”

“Teach a kid how to be a decent fucking human?” Sollux asked.

“Not really,” Karkat shook his head. “More like, leave a mark on the world. I know I'll never be big or famous or well known, so basically the only other way I can leave a legacy behind is if I raise this child to be the best she can be. And if, somehow, Kendra becomes famous, people might just look at her and go 'that's a good kid. That kid's parents did a good job.'”

Sollux nodded. “Well, when you put it like that, I can see your reasoning.”

Karkat sighed. “Yeah. Feferi wants that too.”

“But she's heiress to a huge fucking family run company. She can influence the world from there, I'm sure.”

“Yes, but is signing paperwork and attending meetings and holding press conferences really as much fun as a child? With children, you can watch Disney movies again without getting weird looks from the people at the theaters, you can go to amusement parks and watch the wonder on their faces while they discover their first obsession or talent, all kinds of fun shit.”

Sollux nodded. “She is big into fun shit.”

“It's Feferi, of course she is. And while yeah, it was a weird move to ask you during sex, it's a totally reasonable request.”

“You're right,” Sollux sighed. “I shouldn't have stormed out on her. What a fucking moron.”

“You're not a moron, you were just caught up in the moment is all,” Karkat said. “You tend to do that.”

“Do you think she'll forgive me?”

Karkat laughed. “Feferi? Forgive you? Is water wet?”

Sollux chuckled in response. “Yeah, you're right. Well, I can't go back tonight. I left my key to the hotel room there and I'm sure FF won't let me back in tonight.”

“That's okay, you can crash on the couch,” Karkat offered. “No problem at all.”

“Thanks KK, you always got my back.”

“No problem,” Karkat said getting up. “Now I'll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Okay, cool,” Sollux responded.

“Good night,” Karkat called as he made his way back into his room.

“Who the hell was that?” Meenah asked him as he crawled back into bed.

“Sollux. Him and Feferi had a fight,” Karkat explained. “He'll be crashing on the couch.”

“Bummer,” Meenah sighed. “I was gonna offer to blow you to make up for you having to get up at midnight to answer the door.”

“Maybe tomorrow night,” Karkat laughed.

Meanwhile, Sollux sat on the couch, finishing his beer and thinking about the conversation he and Karkat just had. Finally, he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and settled into a comfy position on the couch. He was just starting to think that maybe having a child wouldn't be _all_ bad when Kendra started wailing from the other room.

* * *

 

The next morning, Karkat woke Sollux up with the smell of bacon and his family plus one sat down to a breakfast spend catching Meenah up on the subject.

“Hot damn, why didn't I ever think of asking Karkat for somefin during sexy times,” Meenah shook her head. “Gill's got a brain in there after all.”

“So how did you sleep?” Karkat asked Sollux.

“Terribly,” He answered. “Your baby spent all night crying and keeping me up.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Karkat apologized. “I did my best to calm her down.” As if sensing she was being talked about, Kendra started babbling and slamming her little baby hands down on her highchair.

“Isn't she the best when she's not crying?” Meenah asked.

Sollux shrugged. “Eh.”

“If you want, you can hold her,” Karkat offered. “Maybe you can make your final decision then.”

“How did you know I was conflicted?” Sollux asked.

“I know you,” was Karkat's answer. He picked his child up from her seat and after a soft-spoken introduction, he handed her to his best friend. Sollux took her in his arms and looked into her bright, playful baby eyes. She looked at him like he was an old friend and extended her hands to play with him.

“I can't play with you, little one,” Sollux explained. “I'm a bit busy holding you, which I guess is close enough for you.”

“Here,” Karkat took Kendra from Sollux's arms and everyone joined him in sitting on the floor, where Kendra could sit up and play. She grabbed Sollux's pinky and shook it like it was the coolest new toy she'd ever seen.

“Holy shit, do all babies have fucking vicegrip for hands?” He asked.

“All the ones I know,” Meenah answered.

After that, Sollux lost track of time as he started to warm up to little Kendra. At one point, he actually laughed when she blew a spit bubble and it popped in her face. Eventually, someone knocked loudly on the door and Meenah moved to answer it. “Hey Feferi,” She said after opening the door.

“Um, is Sollux here?” Feferi asked timidly.

Sollux sighed and stood up. It was time to face up to the mean shit he said last night, but just as sigh-inducing was the fact that his time playing with Kendra was about up. “Oh yeah,” Meenah told Feferi. “He's in here. Sorry to hear aboat that fight.”

Feferi giggled at Meenah's usage of a pun and asked to be let in. Meenah allowed and Feferi entered to see Sollux waiting for her with open arms. She ran to him and embraced him so tight he felt like his spine would snap in two. “Don't you ever leave like that again,” Feferi pleaded. “And if you do, please please _please_ don't forget your phone like that!”

“I won't FF, I promise,” Sollux said,

“You missed it,” Karkat said. “Sollux played with a baby and didn't explode.”

Feferi gasped. “Really? How did you like her?”

“I could tolerate it,” Sollux shrugged.

“Great to hear!” Feferi kissed his cheek and giggled.

“I'm sorry about all that shit I said last night,” Sollux finally said. “I just panicked.”

“I forgive you,” Feferi said. “I'm sorry for using sex to get what I want.”

“Smartest fucking idea ever,” Meenah reiterated to Karkat.

“It's fine,” Sollux assured her. “Don't worry about it.”

* * *

 

Feferi and Sollux decided it was time to leave Karkat and Meenah's home, as Sollux missed his bed and Feferi missed their other friends. After a long goodbye and promises to get together again before too long, they started packing up back at their hotel. “So I've been thinking about it,” Sollux started. “And I decided that, maybe someday we can...try. To have a child.”

Feferi gasped as she dropped clothing into her suitcase. “Do you mean it?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” Sollux then quickly added, “but not anytime soon! I'm not ready for that quite yet.”

“I totally understand,” Feferi nodded.

“On an unrelated note,” Sollux continued. “I do believe we have some unfinished business from last night.”

Feferi thought about it and nodded. “You're right.”

“Wanna take care of that before we leave for a long car ride?” Sollux offered with a wink.

Feferi stood in front of Sollux and nodded. Before he could get excited, though, she smacked him across the face. “That's for storming out on me.”

“Got it,” Sollux nodded, nursing his stinging cheek.

The she grabbed his face and brought him in for a long, passionate kiss. “And this is my apology for trying to use sex against you.” With that, she slid her hands down his body, hooked her thumbs into the waistband of his pants, and took those down with her.

“Got it,” Sollux repeated as she put her mouth on him in a different way than she had seconds previously.

Before the long car ride home, the two made up by (safely) finishing what they started the night before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an 8th installment in my Fuck You fic series. This one is actually setting up what will be a spin-off of sorts which will focus on Sollux and Feferi, so if you're interested in that one, that will be coming up sooner than another one of these. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this one and feedback is always appreciated!


	9. One Hell of a Shotgun Shell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat didn't feel like doing anything important, so we shift our focus to his best friend we met last time and his struggles with his hatred for babies combined with his girlfriend's eagerness to make him follow through on his promise for babies. What happens when he delivers a little bit too soon? And no, I'm not talking about premature ejaculation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic isn't strictly a "Fuck You..." fic (hence the title,) but it takes place in the same universe and I didn't feel like making this its own separate fic. Also, I feel bad that it's been so long since I updated this fic. Don't worry though, with the next fic (which I'm working on right now,) we'll be right back in Karkat's shitty apartment building where we belong. Until then, enjoy this fic which should have been done in April!

After some pleading, time spent with an actual baby, and a little bit of sexual persuasion, Sollux finally promised Feferi that they could eventually make an attempt at having a baby.

It didn't even take a week for him to regret saying it.

It's not like they conceived right away or anything, but once the realization that he was stuck in this commitment sunk in, Sollux realized with unparalleled dismay that this was going to happen eventually whether he liked it or not. He could have talked to Feferi about it, but he knew she would have said, “that's okay, we still have lots of time before we're ready to do that. By then, you'll be excited.”

The actual conception didn't come until about half a year after that promise was made. It was a rainy May night and the mood was set for some prime lovin'. The only problem came when Sollux couldn't find any condoms to use. “Um, FF, we've got a problem, babe.”

“What is it?” Feferi asked from the bed.

“I ran out of condoms. I've gotta go get some more,” he explained.

“But by the time you get them and come back, I won't be horny anymore,” Feferi whined.

“Sorry, but it's either we do it protected or not at all.”

Feferi was ready to make a baby, but she was reluctant to bring up that possibility on the chance that Sollux would be turned off by the topic, so instead, she took the obviously superior route and formulated a lie. “Well, I did take my birth control today and I have a stash of emergency morning-after pills, so...”

“Are you sure?” Sollux asked.

“Absolutely, now hurry up and fuck me.”

While they made love, Feferi was completely unburdened by the knowledge that she lied to Sollux's face for a good fuck and the possibility of a child. The next morning was a different story. When she woke up before Sollux and it struck her that she did not in fact take her birth control and she certainly didn't have any emergency pills, she had to go into the bathroom so she could cry without waking Sollux up. When he did wake up and knock on the bathroom door, Feferi shooed him away with the excuse that her emergency pill made her sick.

She didn't think her white lie through, because it caught up to her four weeks later when Feferi was confronted with several positive pregnancy tests and the crippling fear of what Sollux would do when she told him she was pregnant. His reaction was to turn pale and faint, which wasn't quite as explosive a reaction as she was expecting, but it was bad either way. When he woke up, the first words out of his mouth were “Abort it.”

“Are you kidding me?” Feferi shot. “Why would I do that?”

“Because we're not even close to ready to raise a child, FF,” Sollux reasoned. “We're not even married!” A beat passed and he paled again. “Holy shit we're not even married. Your parents are going to kill us. I'm going to die and your parents are going to kill me for knocking up their daughter before we got married.”

“Oh shit,” Feferi agreed. It had dawned on her as well that her parents were super conservative and would not allow their heir to the company to bear children without being married. “This was a very bad idea.”

“Now you see it my way!” Sollux snapped. “We have to get rid of it.”

“I can't!”

“Why not?”

“Do you know how terrified I am of abortion clinics?” Feferi said, starting to panic. “I've read about how girls get harassed and judged and insulted in those places. There are people who will call me a slut, they'll take my picture and put it on a pro-life website and label me a satanic hoebag and then what happens if my parents find _that_ , huh?” Feferi sunk to the ground, put her head in her hands and started sobbing softly. Sollux knelt down to her level and put a comforting arm around her.

“I understand, FF. We'll figure something out.”

“You mean you're not mad?” Feferi sniffled.

“Oh, I'm pissed, but that's not as important as when you're having a panic attack like this. Now come here and cry yourself out. It's okay.”

* * *

 

After about a week of not bringing up the subject of what was currently developing in Feferi's womb, Sollux finally brought it up during a visit to a fast food joint.

“Okay, we have to talk about this now,” He said. “We can't avoid this any longer.”

“I know,” Feferi admitted. “What do we do?”

“I still would rather you got rid of it,” Sollux admitted, “but I understand your fear of those places and I accept that this is happening now.”

“But what do we do about my parents?” Feferi asked. “If they figure out I'm pregnant and we're not married, we're both gonna be in huge trouble.”

Sollux shuttered. “Well then, I guess we have to...”

“What is it?”

“We need to get married as soon as possible, before you start showing the physical signs of being pregnant.”

Feferi sighed. “I looked it up online, and I read that three months is usually how long it takes before you start getting bigger.”

Sollux sighed. “So before three months is up. Fuck. I'm not ready for this kind of commitment, FF.”

“I know, I'm not either,” Feferi admitted. “But really, would it be any different from what we do right now?”

“I guess it wouldn't.”

“So,” Feferi said. “Do you have something to ask me?”

“What?”

Feferi crossed her arms, leaned back in her chair, and raised an eyebrow at Sollux. “You have something to ask me, don't you?”

“Can't we just mutually agree to do this instead of being so old fashioned?” Sollux pleaded.

“Come on, it won't be that hard!” Feferi insisted.

Sollux sighed. “FF, will you marry me?”

Feferi clapped and squealed. “Absolutely! Let's do it.”

“You're so weird, FF.”

* * *

 

The hard parts about planning a wedding were making invitations, deciding who to invite, getting the money to pay for it all to happen within three months, and literally everything else. The fact that the wedding would probably precede a weekend filled with talking to family and hiding their pregnancy only made Sollux and Feferi _more_ anxious. It got so bad that at one point, Sollux had to ask Feferi what was worse: fretting over keeping the secret, or flat-out telling them it was a shotgun wedding.

“If they figure it out, I honestly think they would excommunicate me from the family for defying their christian values,” Feferi replied. “They're pretty fucking strict about this. Hell, they'd probably have a new kid to pass the company to instead of me.”

“I don't know about that,” Sollux tried to comfort her.

“You've met my parents, right?” Feferi asked, making sure.

Sollux thought about that and sighed. “You're right, they are that drastic.”

“So we have to keep this a secret, no matter what,” Feferi pleaded. “And we need to get married as soon as possible.”

“I know, but dude, do you know how fucking expensive wedding rings are?”

“They don't have to be fancy rings yet, just get placeholders that are cheaper and no one will ever know the difference.”

And that was that. Sollux bought the cheapest rings he could get without feeling guilty from a shitty mall-based jewelry store and those served as the temporary wedding rings. The next obstacle to tackle was where the fuck to hold such an event. “Renting out a whole church would be so hard...” Feferi thought.

“Do you even have to rent out churches?” Sollux asked. “Or do they just let you do whatever?”

“I think they just let you if you're a part of the church,” Feferi shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Then let's find another option,” Sollux said.

“Right,” Feferi nodded. “But what?”

“Maybe we could do it in a park,” Sollux suggested. “Parks don't care about our religion and won't ask for handouts.”

“Good idea!”

The next order of business was sending out invitations. Sollux dreaded this because it meant confirming which annoying family members they would be interacting with with one hundred percent certainty, so he would just have to pray that two weeks was too short a notice for everyone. He did, however, take solace in knowing that he could invite his best friend and there would be a chance he would attend. Instead of sending a card to Karkat, Sollux decided to call him and ask him to come personally.

Karkat, predictably, reacted to the news with shock and bewilderment. “Who the fuck are you and what did you do to my best friend? You fucking hate the idea of getting married. What happened?”

Sollux bit his lip, not sure how to explain his situation. Finally, he caved. “Fine, I'll tell you my situation, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, okay?”

“Can I tell Meenah?”

“I guess that would be fair,” Sollux allowed, mentally noting that Karkat's kind of obligated to share everything with the mother of his child.

“Cool, now what the hell changed your mind?”

“FF's pregnant,” Sollux whispered.

“She's _what?_ ” Sollux shushed him, worried that his screaming was loud enough to inform Feferi's parents of the situation (despite the obvious fact that they weren't present in any sense of the word.)

“Look, we kind of...forgot to use protection one time and now she's knocked up.”

“Okay,” Karkat allowed, calming down. “So you're having a kid sooner than you wanted. How does this mean marriage?”

“Dude, FF's parents are super conservative. If they knew she has a bun in the oven but not a ring on her finger, she'd probably get kicked out of her family or something. Big company heiress things or some shit.”

“Well anyway, I'll look at my schedule,” Karkat assured him. “We'll try our best to go.”

“Thanks so much, KK. It would mean a lot to me if you came to help me deal with the old farts that will also be coming.”

“That's what friends are for,” Karkat replied. “I'll call you back sometime to let you know what's up.”

The next step was to get Feferi a dress and Sollux a tux. This was arguably the most expensive step, but thankfully, Feferi's parents were excited enough about the news to donate a couple hundred dollars to the “Get Feferi and Sollux Something Nice to Wear So They Don't Get Married in Their Street Clothes” fund. Despite his mortal fear of interacting with the bastards, Sollux was very thankful to Feferi's parents for giving them some breathing room and extra budget. They made sure to get Feferi a slightly bigger dress than what she needed, just in case she started to show by the time the wedding rolled around. “Isn't it a rule that the groom isn't supposed to see the bride in her dress before the ceremony or something?” Feferi asked when they had made their final decision.

“I don't know and frankly, I don't really care,” Sollux answered. “This isn't a conventional wedding, you know.”

“Yes, I remember. I'm kind of the one who's carrying a child.”

“Let's slap a 'baby on board' sticker on your belly,” Sollux suggested.

“Let's not,” Feferi laughed.

It didn't take long for Karkat to formally respond to the wedding invitation. Fortunately, he and Meenah were able to make it with their kid. Unfortunately, so was everyone else who was invited, which meant that Sollux had to deal with every single family member he dreaded interaction with. Two and a half months after Feferi's pregnancy was discovered, the local park was swarmed by really rich, somewhat obscure family members, (most of them were Feferi's, as Sollux only saw it fit to invite his twin brother and his parents,) so he was very much out of his comfort zone. At this point, Sollux was looking forward to getting married, because that meant that all socialization would cease during the ceremony. He stood alongside his groom's men: Mituna and Karkat. His brother and his best friend both looked extremely uncomfortable in their rented tuxedos and it made Sollux kind of happy to see them squirm. What was even funnier was the fact that Feferi's bridesmaids were childhood friends Jade Harley and Kanaya Maryam and they looked absolutely fabulous in their dresses. The juxtaposition almost made Sollux lose it multiple times throughout the ceremony.

Under that gazebo, in the presence of childhood friends and beloved family members, and officiated by some old pastor her parents knew, Feferi Peixes and Sollux Captor became Sollux Captor and Feferi Peixes-Captor (because actually changing her last name would irk her parents.) The actual wedding and Feferi's stunning radiance actually made Sollux's eyes get misty, despite himself. Not that he was ever gonna admit that to anyone that wasn't Feferi, of course. Now that the easy part was out of the way, it was time for the terrifying part: socializing all night and keeping Feferi's condition a secret.

“I can't believe you only had two bridesmaids and two groom's men,” Feferi's mom laughed. She was a tall woman, slender and wicked looking with hair that looked like it could carry several small animals inside. Sollux liked to call her Her Imperious Condescension due to her holier-than-thou attitude she assumed toward literally everyone.

“Well, Sollux works in twos and frankly, neither of us could think of a third person for either role so we decided to roll with it,” Feferi explained.

“You two sure are a funny bunch,” her dad chortled. As a direct contrast to her mom, he was short, portly and balding but equally as wicked. Sollux liked to call him simply The Imperious Imp.

Sollux spotted Karkat and Meenah hanging around and downing a few drinks and smiled. “I'll be back, FF. I'm gonna say hi to KK.”

“No you're not,” Feferi's mom answered for her.

“What do you mean?” Sollux asked.

“Shouldn't the bride and groom stay together for the reception?” Her dad supplied.

“I guess, but...”

“That's okay Sollux. I kind of want to say hi to them too,” Feferi said.

“But we're not done talking to our baby,” Feferi's dad said.

“Then it's settled. We're going with you.” Her mom clapped her hands together gleefully.

“Great,” Sollux mumbled under his breath.

He approached Karkat with his small group that had formed and tried his best to greet him normally. “Hey Sollux,” he responded. What he intended to say next was a hushed “how's that bun in the oven?” but when he saw Feferi's parents behind Sollux, he stuttered, trying to think of something else to say. What ended up coming out was, “hey, how's that baby phobia coming along?”

Sollux nearly fainted when he heard baby but he was so relieved by the rest of that sentence that he laughed. “Why do you say that, KK? Is it because of that baby you're toting around?”

Kendra, the baby in question, looked at Sollux with joy and tried to wriggle out of her mother's arms in response to the attention being drawn to her. “Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Meenah said.

“Why else would you say that?” Feferi's dad asked.

Meenah froze up and Karkat had to jump in to save her ass. “Because now that they're married, that's obviously the next logical step.”

“Right, of course,” Meenah agreed.

Feferi's mom raised her eyebrows. “You look familiar. What's your name?”

“I'm Meenah. Meenah Peixes.”

“Is she related to us?” Feferi asked her mom.

“I think she might be,” her dad replied. “She has the family resemblance. Where are you from, Meenah?”

“Born and raised in Orlando,” Meenah said. “Floriddy—Florida is where I called home.”

Feferi's dad nodded. “Yeah, we do have relatives down there. I think a cousin of mine moved there when we were little.”

“Go figure,” Mrs. Peixes shrugged.

“That's really cool,” Feferi mused.

“So I guess that means we're related, KK,” Sollux said.

“Or you would be,” Meenah replied. “If we were married.”

Feferi's mom gasped. “Excuse me? You have a child and you're not married?”

“Uh, no.”

She scoffed. “If I were less polite, I'd say that's unworthy of the Peixes name.”

“You just did say it,” Meenah said, shifting her weight and biting her lip. “Don't hold me to standards you wouldn't hold your own child to.”

“I don't know what you're talking about. Feferi would never do such a thing.”

“Oh, wouldn't she?” Meenah shot.

Everyone present gasped and Meenah quickly covered her mouth. “That's ridiculous,” Feferi's dad stammered. “Our darling Feferi isn't a skank like those who would even think about conception before marriage.”

Feferi was starting to look sick now and Karkat furious. “Hey, you watch what you fucking say about my girlfriend,” he spat.

“You watch your mouth!” Feferi's mom snarled.

“Mom, dad!” Feferi broke in now, recovering from nearly getting sick. “You behave yourselves in front of my friends and our apparently long lost family.”

“Not until we teach this girl some manners. If she could even be called a girl at this point.”

“Mom!”

“Oh? What would you be up and callin' me then?” Meenah asked, letting her threatening, wanna-be “gangsta” speak out for the first time in a while.

“How about a b—”

“ _Mom!_ This is my wedding and I demand you step off Meenah's ass!”

Feferi's parents gasped. “Don't you curse in front of your parents!” Mr. Peixes demanded.

“I'll do whatever I want, because I am a grown woman who's moved out _and married_! You can't be policing my life anymore and if I want to curse, I fucking will. And of all the people here who have children, she is the last one you should be getting angry at.”

“And what do you mean by that?” Her mom asked, crossing her arms.

“If you're going to yell at anyone who's conceived before marriage, yell at me.” Everyone involved gasped and her father's plump face turned purple.

“Excuse me, young lady?”

“You fucking heard me. I'm nearly three months pregnant and frankly, if I weren't, none of us would be here right now, because we wouldn't be getting married if it weren't for your tight-ass rules and traditions.”

Feferi's parents took a second, but after that second of stammering and processing this information, they became furious. “You mean to tell me that we're only here because our daughter broke our number one rule of living with someone else?”

“Yeah, mom,” Feferi spat “mom” like it was year-old chewing tobacco and crossed her arms. “Because if you honestly expected me to wait until such a trivial thing such as marriage to get myself laid, you're more stuck in the past than those guys in that time travel movie.”

“Very specific,” Karkat mumbled. “Though she probably means Back to the Future part three.”

“It's not that hard to do,” Feferi's mom insisted.

“Says you,” Sollux shot. “You probably had your days of pre-marital party time.” The condescending face of Feferi's mom became a progressively more shocked face, so Sollux continued. “In fact, judging by your expression, I'd venture a guess that you did that quite a few times.”

“You shut your disrespectful mouth!” Feferi's dad shouted. “You're lucky we're even letting you continue being present, so you pipe down while we teach our daughter a lesson.” His volume was distressing Kendra, so Karkat escorted his girlfriend and their daughter away with a mumbled good luck wish in Sollux's direction.

Feferi's mom glared at Sollux. “You have no room to be judging me for something you assume I did. Especially when you just outright told us something you did.”

“Wait,” Feferi broke in. “Did you?”

“That's none of your business.”

“I'm your daughter, so it kind of is. I am asking about my own conception, after all. That is, if it's me and not an older sibling I didn't get to have.”

Feferi's mom shot daggers at Feferi for a moment before turning and storming out with a parting “you're nothing to me.”

Her dad huffed and did the same, leaving Feferi to collapse to her knees while her surrounding family members mumbled amongst themselves, trying to figure out what happened.

* * *

 

After that night, the rest of Feferi's family quickly made themselves scarce and by that Sunday, they were left with only Karkat, Meenah, their child, and the three members of Sollux's family that came. Sollux's family understood the situation and, while they were disappointed, his parents were happy that he was at least staying around to see Feferi through the long lives ahead of them. Everyone involved helped comfort Feferi, but no matter what, she couldn't accept the fact that her entire family likely hated her now and it was all her fault. Even with Meenah apologizing for bringing it up, Feferi just shouldered the blame and cried to herself until long after all their visitors were gone.

Many months later, Feferi was sufficiently blown up and the two were doing their best to prepare for parenthood without the support of one half of the future child's family. Sollux's family and their best friends did the best they could to support them and by the time the child was due, they had a crib and a couple of neat toys for the kid to preoccupy themself with.

Finally, the dreaded day had arrived, and Sollux was speeding down the twilit highway in an attempt to get Feferi to the hospital as fast as possible. Before they got her into the emergency room, she grabbed her phone out of her pocket and handed it to Sollux. “If anyone calls me, tell them I'm pushing a baby out my bearded clam.”

Sollux laughed and took the phone. “Sure thing, FF.”

While she was giving birth, Sollux texted Karkat and got some emotional support from his best friend so the waiting wasn't totally agonizing.

But then the weirdest thing happened.

Feferi's phone rang with a name neither of them ever thought they would see light it up ever again. He answered the call from the contact formerly known as Mom with a nervous “hello?”

Feferi's mom spoke to him from the other line. “Hello, Sollux. Is Feferi there?”

“FF's kind of busy right now,” Sollux replied. “She's giving birth.”

“Oh,” her mom said dejectedly.

“Why do you ask? Because if you're here to chew her out, she doesn't need that stress anymore.”

She made a sound to protest, but ended up sighing. “No, I'm not going to yell at her. I'm going to say I'm sorry.”

“What, really?”

“Just tell her to call me back when she's done, alright?”

“I can do that,” Sollux nodded and hung up, honestly wondering if he wanted to do that or not. The rest of the time he had to wait was spent fuming over the shit Feferi's parents put her through and how they didn't deserve to ever speak to his wife again, no matter how sorry they tried to convince him they were. Luckily for the rest of the people in that waiting room, Sollux was beckoned in at long last to see his beloved Feferi and his newborn son. And then started the one problem neither of them considered when thinking about all the problems of parenthood:

“What the fuck do we name it—him?”

“Sollux, don't curse in front of him,” Feferi scolded.

“He's literally minutes old,” Sollux said as he cradled the boy in his arm. “He probably doesn't even register that he can hear.”

Feferi rolled her eyes. “I'm too spent to argue. So, genius, what do we call him?”

Sollux stared at the child for a few moments, thinking long and hard about what name to shove onto this child for at least as long as it took for him to legally change it himself. His mind was clouded, however, because constantly barging in on his name thoughts were the memories of Feferi's parents and the ordeal this child caused before he was even alive. Finally, he cleared his mind long enough to make a decision. “...Mark?”

Feferi thought on it. “Oh, I do like names that change as you get older. So he can be Marcus until he's old enough to be Mark.”

“Or until he's old enough to change his name,” Sollux said.

Feferi laughed. “Marcus it is.”

Unfortunately, Feferi was asked to stay in the hospital overnight so they could make totally sure the child and the mother were alright. After bidding farewell to his small family, Sollux drove home, only realizing halfway that he forgot to both tell Feferi about her mother's call and offer to give her phone back. When he got home, the salt was rubbed further in the wound when Feferi's phone rang once again with the same contact as earlier. Tired and a bit cranky, Sollux answered with a bit of a growl. “What is it, Mrs. Peixes?”

“You let me speak to my daughter right this minute,” the voice on the other line said with unusual shrillness.

“I'd love to, Mrs. P, but they asked FF to stay behind for the night and I'm already home. She forgot to take her phone back, so she'll have to talk to you in the morning.”

“When are you getting her?”

Sollux shrugged. “I dunno, but we're definitely going to eat on our way home, so try calling again oh, around noon probably?”

Feferi's mom sighed. “Thanks. I know how hard this must be for you after the things we said.”

“Oh no, I'm far from the one you should be sorry to,” Sollux assured her. “Apologize to the person I was there for when her family wasn't instead of the only one who was there for her.” He hung up after that and after doing a quick check of his social media outlets, he headed to bed.

The next morning, he made his way to the hospital and after making sure it was okay, he left to take his wife and son home after a quick fast food breakfast stop. Instead of talking about what he should have been telling her, they spoke about the check-ups and boring shit the doctors did to her while she was half awake. When they got home at long last, Feferi carefully carried their new baby in while Sollux toted the McDonald's bag. Sollux stuck the key in the door and turned it, realizing he didn't lock the door when he left.

“How could you forget to lock the door?” Feferi asked as he opened the door slowly.

“Yesterday was a long day, alright?” Sollux walked in warily and flipped the light switch on to reveal one person he knew and three people he never thought he'd see again, especially not standing in his house wearing party hats.

Feferi's parents stood hand-in-hand and smiled at their child; to their right stood a man nearly identical to Feferi's dad with the exception of his accelerated hair loss, and to their left was Meenah. “What the fuck is going on in here?” Sollux asked, nearly dropping the bag of food.

Feferi gasped and ran in. “Mom...? Dad? What are you doing here?” She murmured those last words as if she expected to be berated once again.

Her parents wordlessly extended their arms, and after handing Marcus off to Meenah, Feferi ran into her parents' embrace. They held her for a few minutes while she cried softly, telling her everything would be alright. Sollux looked at Meenah, baffled. “Did you...?”

“I'll fill you in on the fishtales later,” Meenah said. Sollux had spent enough time with Feferi to know that she meant details, so he just nodded, confused.

Feferi's parents let her go at long last. “Let's get some food in you, eh?” Mister Peixes said.

“We brought breakfast,” Feferi said. “For ourselves anyway.”

Her mom looked at the bag in Sollux's arms and turned up her nose. “Gross. We're not gonna let you eat that, hon. Let's make you some real pancakes, okay?”

Sollux chuckled. “Yep, those are her real parents alright.”

Meenah and the stranger had a lot of explaining to do. As it turns out, the second Meenah got home after the wedding, she scrambled to contact her father as quickly as she could. She begged him to get in touch with his long lost brother and somehow convince him to forgive his daughter. It took some doing, but Feferi's parents finally arranged a lunch with her newly found uncle, during which he brought them to tears with a well crafted motivational speech about children and how one must be careful not to impose impossible restrictions on them. Right after the dinner, Feferi's parents tried to contact her through a month-long series of phone calls Feferi was ignoring without telling Sollux. Eventually, they decided to throw a surprise baby shower for Feferi. Meenah came down for it and they even convinced Meenah's father to drive all the way up from Florida to attend and meet his niece he never got to see. Mrs. Peixes' call the previous night was meant to set up the party so they wouldn't shock Feferi too bad with the surprise. Unfortunately, due to Sollux's incompetence, it ended up being a surprise baby shower after all, with the actual baby being present and all.

Feferi sobbed happily nearly the entire time the story was being told, even though she had a fresh, steaming plate of homemade pancakes in front of her. Sollux was less choked up with the story and more struggling to swallow the McDonald's pancakes.

“Thank you so, so much, Meenah!” Feferi said when she finally managed to form words without breaking down. “I owe this all to you.”

Meenah smiled a shit-eating grin. “Oh, it was nofin. You know I'd do anyfin to kelp a Peixes sista.”

“Wait,” Sollux said. “Where's KK for all of this?”

Meenah shrugged. “Karkat stayed home. He didn't want the baby traveling more, so he's hangin' out at home. He told me to say shello for him though. Alright, he didn't say 'shello' exactly. That part was me.”

The rest of the day was spent receiving outrageously expensive shit from Feferi's parents. They got the kid so much shit, he was probably set for the entirety of the toddler phase of his life. As the sun set and everyone started to get tired, the guests left with heartfelt goodbyes, apologies, and I love you's all around. Sollux held his child as they watched everyone go their separate ways, promising to meet up again sometime like a true family.

Fawning over the child aside, it was time to get to business, and the biggest challenge of Sollux's life loomed over him like a monster over a defenseless child. However, knowing that Feferi's rich-ass parents were going to be supportive of them from here on out lifted some of that weight off his shoulders and he felt like maybe, just maybe he'd be able to stand up to the monstrous obstacle course that was parenthood.

As long as Feferi changed every other diaper.

 


	10. Fuck You and Fuck Speeches Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything changes.

Karkat's life was littered with strange, exciting, memorable events. At least, a lot more so than he ever would have imagined growing up. Never did smaller Karkat think that he would have such a catalog of memories as a young adult. In the few short years since he moved into his apartment complex, he carpooled the love of his life to the mall, unknowing that she was going to buy sex toys, he met Terezi, who would become one of his best friends; even after he almost killed her boyfriend Dave, who also became one of his best friends. He stayed at Terezi's side (most of the time) while she was carrying the second most important baby in his life: Trixie. In return, she stayed at his side when Meenah became pregnant with the single most important person Karkat had ever interacted with: his baby girl Kendra. Shortly after that, he killed a man. That one even _he_ had a hard time believing sometimes.

With such an exciting past, one would think “what next?” However, Karkat loathed thinking about the future. He learned from past relationships that when he planned too far in the future, that future wouldn't happen. In fact, nobody in his group of friends really put much consideration into their future. They were all in the moment and none of them really cared to change that. That is, until Dave made it cool.

One day, Dave appeared on Karkat and Terezi's doorstep to talk to them in some form of privacy. “Where's Terezi?” Karkat wondered aloud. “You two haven't been apart since she went blind.”

“She's sleeping,” Dave said as he moved his sunglasses to a rarely seen position: just above his forehead. This was a sign that Dave was about to buckle down and be serious for a minute.

A sign that didn't go unnoticed by Meenah when she closed the door behind him and said, “so what do you need to talk to us about, yo?”

Dave sat on their couch, followed by Karkat and Kendra to his right and Meenah to his left. He sighed and leaned back, unsure of how to say whatever it was he was thinking. After a moment, He blinked hard and looked at Karkat. “We're bros, right?”

Karkat was taken aback. “Well, you're in my house right?”

Dave cracked a smile. “You did try to kill me, right?”

Karkat sighed theatrically and shook his head. “You push someone in front of a speeding truck one time.”

Dave laughed one of the most earnest laughs Karkat had ever heard from a sober Dave and continued. “Well, I need the kind of advice only true bros can give, so we're gonna go with that first thing.”

“I count in this best bros circle-jerk, right?” Meenah asked.

“Of course you do, Meenah,” Dave said as he started vigorously miming masturbation. “Come on, join us.”

Everyone present laughed, even the baby who didn't understand why but joined in because everyone else was laughing. Once they were done joking, Karkat sighed. “Okay, real talk time, what do you need, fuckface?”

Dave decided to stop dancing—or jerking—around the subject and said it bluntly: “I'm thinking of asking Terezi to marry me.”

Karkat and Meenah gasped. “Really?” Karkat asked.

“Well yeah,” Dave explained. “We've been dating for just over five years and hell, almost two of them have been spent with a baby! Most couples would have been married by the time their kid turns two. I think it's about time we tie the knot.”

Karkat nodded. “You make a good point. Do you have a ring picked out?”

Dave shook his head. “That's what I was hoping Meenah would be able to help me with.” He turned to Meenah. “So is it true that you have to buy a ring with three months worth of paychecks?”

Meenah shook her head. “Nah. That's just a load of shrimp. Most gills don't give a shit and I guarantee you Terezi won't either. As long as you get a ring that's worth at least a little bit, I don't think she'll care all that much.”

“Thanks Meenah,” Dave said with a nervous smile. “How do you guys think I should ask?”

“You know what I think she'll like?” Karkat started.

Meenah stopped him before he could continue. “No no no, if you listen to romcom expert Karkat, you'll make a damn fool out of yourself,” she said teasingly. “Listen to me.” Dave nodded while Karkat fumed. “You should propose in a way that reflects yourself. You're so laid back, that I think she'd love it if you ask super casually. One day, just turn to her and be like 'hey, wanna get married?' She'll dig it.”

Karkat shrugged. “You could do that, I guess. You'd miss out on the confetti from my idea...”

“I like Meenah's idea better already,” Dave said. “Thank you guys so much,” he continued as he stood up and donned his shades anew.

“Anytime!” Meenah answered enthusiastically. “If we're not the first ones invited, I'll cut your dick off.”

Dave laughed. “We'll invi—”

“With my teeth.”

“Okay then,” Karkat said, putting his hand on Meenah's back. “I'd be insulted if you had your mouth on another man's dick.”

“Even to bite it off?” Dave asked.

“Goodbye Dave.”

* * *

 

A couple of days later, Dave found himself lost, dazed and confused as he browsed a jewelry store, desperately trying to locate something that was both pretty and affordable. After stumbling through making a decision, hounded by greedy salespeople all the way, he finally settled on something nice and made his way back home.

The moment he walked in his apartment, he was swarmed by the two most important girls in his world. Trixie took excited, wobbly steps toward him and he scooped her up in his arms before she could stumble and fall right into his shoes face-first. Terezi was almost as stumbly as Trixie was as she made her way to Dave with her new walking stick. It was a new development, but Dave decided she should learn to use one in the event that he couldn't help her for whatever reason. They were working on getting a seeing-eye dog for her too. She beamed in his general direction from under her just-as-new cherry red sunglasses and his heart melted, as it tended to do in her presence. Her loving look was quickly replaced with one of confusion as she turned up her nose. “Why do you smell like pennies?” She asked.

Dave broke out into a cold sweat and bit his lip. Boy was he lucky she couldn't see his expression. “Oh, uh, no reason.”

Terezi crossed her arms and gave his area a suspicious eyebrow raise. “Oh really? What was that little errand about, then?”

Dave scrambled to make something up. “I just needed to stop by my brother's and talk to him about his site's relaunch coming up in a few weeks.”

Terezi nodded, pretending to play along. “Oh yeah? Why didn't he just call you?”

Dave grit his teeth. He scrambled to think of something, leading to a full minute of him and Terezi standing there, the silence only broken my Trixie's babbling about mommy and daddy and the color red. Finally, when all attempts at trying to think of a cover story failed, Dave closed his eyes tight and just blurted it out: “Do you want to get married?” He asked in a desperate, nervous, definitely-not-Dave-like voice.

Terezi gasped and her walking cane hit the floor. Trixie looked at her mom with a vague look of worry crossing her face, while Dave stared at her in wide-eyed horror. Was she angry? Was she simply taken by surprise? Oh god, was she going to say no? She just stood there with her mouth wide open and her face almost frozen in shock. Dave wanted to fall to his knees and beg her to _say something, do something, anything!_ but he had to keep some semblance of the cool guy he tried so hard to pass as.

Finally, Terezi's features melted into a much softer expression. Her gasp, seemingly etched into her face like a name on a tombstone, finally became a smile. A warm, loving smile that was reflected in every feature on her face and reminded Dave of what he thought Heaven might look like—if he believed in such a thing. Terezi knelt down and picked up her bright red walking stick. She slowly made her way to Dave and tapped on his shoe a couple times to make sure she knew how far away he was. She dropped her cane again, put her hands on his chest and felt her way to the baby in his arms. Despite a quiet protest, she put Trixie on the ground so she could pull Dave into one of the longest, tightest hugs of recent memory. What she whispered in his ear was so quiet, he almost didn't think he actually heard it; but the unmistakable feeling of her lips moving against his earlobe confirmed that the “yes” she sobbed was as real as the rings in his pocket.

She let him out of the hug and he pushed up her glasses for a full view of her tear-stained cheeks and her unseeing yet ecstatic eyes. “I wish you could see your face right now,” Dave said, almost with a chuckle.

“I probably look like a mess,” Terezi said.

Dave shook his head before he remembered she couldn't see him. “Nah man, you look just as beautiful as the day I met you.”

“The day you met me, I was in a relationship,” Terezi reminded him.

“Oh, details!” Dave said, having removed all traces of ever feeling nervous ever. They shared a genuine laugh before a child's whining reminded them that Trixie was indeed there and she was very confused as to what was going on and why it wasn't about her.

Dave picked her and Terezi's walking stick up before standing and sighing in relief. “Damn, I thought you'd never say anything.”

“So that's why you were gone and smell like pennies,” Terezi said, changing the subject completely.

“Yeah, I guess I can't get past you and your new super sniffer,” Dave said.

Terezi put a finger on her nose and winked slyly. “I'm like a superhero!”

“A smelly superhero,” Dave laughed.

Terezi whacked his shin with her cane—something that had become a standard reaction to his smartass remarks—before laughing right alongside him.

* * *

 

A couple of days passed before the matter of letting everyone know became a concern and when it did, naturally Dave wanted Karkat and Meenah to be the first non-family members to know. He had come up with a fun way of telling them that involved someone answering the door, seeing Dave, asking how his proposal went, and having Terezi walk out from behind him and show them her ring, but the plan got as far as Meenah timidly answering the door (something she hated to do after the whole incident with burglary and murder) before Terezi broke character and squealed about how excited she was from behind Dave, which made him jump and nearly lose his grip on Trixie.

The excitement over the news took a good hour and a round of beers to ebb even a little bit, but when it did, it was time to get down to why Karkat and Meenah were the first friends to know. “I want to thank you guys so much for helping come up with a plan to propose,” Dave said, ignoring the fact that the proposal went absolutely nothing like Meenah had suggested.

“Wait, was it Meenah's idea for you to almost break down in the living room?” Terezi asked.

Dave buried his face in his hands and everyone shared a laugh at his expense before he finally laughed it off. “Anyway, the other reason we came to you two first is because we want you to be the, uh, what are they called?”

“Bride's maid and best man?” Karkat asked.

“The important people that aren't the ones getting married, yeah,” Dave confirmed.

Karkat rolled his eyes and shook his head. “How are you going to hold a wedding if you don't even know what those are called?”

“What, am I supposed to introduce you as the bride's men and best maids like a DJ or something?” Dave asked, purposefully mixing up the terms to get on Karkat's nerves.

As the boys started going back and forth with slightly witty banter, Meenah shook her head. “We'd love to,” she said in all seriousness. “Any ideas who else you'll be asking?”

Terezi pursed her lips. “Well, Dave's bro for sure, and possibly my best friend if I can get a hold of her. Maybe we'll ask Equius and Nepeta too. I'm not sure yet. We still have a long time until we actually get married, so we have time to decide.”

“Wait, you already settled on a date?” Meenah asked.

“Nope!” Terezi replied with a laugh. “We'll think of something though.”

That evening, Dave and Terezi finally left their friends' apartment as the sun started to disappear over the horizon. Right when they left, Dave received a text on his phone inquiring about the prices he ran into on his quest for a ring.

* * *

 

Many months later, after Meenah took a short trip to Florida to help get Feferi on speaking terms with her parents again, the wedding was held in a park in front of one of the largest crowds Karkat had been in. It seemed like they invited the entire population of the city, but it turned out that Dave just had an awful lot of friends. The most unexpected of which actually turned out to be one Rose Lalonde, who had apparently been Dave's girlfriend at one point. Karkat and Meenah got to meet her shortly before the ceremony started. “I don't know if this is a foreign concept to you,” Dave explained, “but you're allowed to be buds with your ex.”

“I understand that,” Karkat countered with a tinge of annoyance. “But I've never seen someone get along so well with their ex that they'd invite them to their wedding.”

Dave shrugged. “First time for everything.”

“I owe him twenty dollars anyway,” Rose said. “We bet he wouldn't ever convince Terezi to marry him and you see how well that turned out.”

Dave grinned. “Consider it your wedding present to us.”

“Fine.” Rose reached for his bow tie and bent it to an odd angle. “Your tie's crooked by the way.” With a laugh, Rose left the three of them and disappeared into the crowd.

“She seems like a feisty one,” Meenah said. “And she's kinda hot, not gonna lie.” Karkat did a double take and looked at Meenah with a weird expression. Meenah responded by shrugging. “Hey, bi, remember?”

“No, I remember,” Karkat said. “I just think she looks too much like Dave to be that attractive.”

“That's one reason we stopped dating,” Dave explained as he straightened his tie. “She looked so much like me it was a little creepy.”

Before Karkat could comment, he heard his name being called by a old, familiar voice he never would have thought he'd hear at Dave's wedding of all places. From the crowd emerged a tall, lanky, pale kid with huge glasses, scruffy hair, and a hideous blue tuxedo. His neon green tie hung entirely too loosely around his neck and he looked like he was a poorly dressed frat boy at a party instead of a grown-ass man at a wedding. Yep, that was definitely John Egbert. At the sight of Karkat, his face broke out into a cheesy grin. “Well I'll be damned. You _are_ here!” Rose followed him closely and looked like she wasn't exactly looking forward to being back. “You know, when Rose told me she met someone named Karkat, I knew it had to be you. How many other people are named Karkat, anyway? None, I tells ya.”

“Hey John,” Karkat said, only slightly happy to see one of his old friends. “What brings you here?”

“Rose does,” John said with a nod in her direction. “Apparently her ex is getting married today.”

“That would be him,” Rose said with a finger in Dave's direction to stop John from saying something rude.

John looked at Dave and nodded. “Yep, you were right. He sure does look a lot like you. So Dave, was it weird putting your dick in your doppelganger?”

Dave shot a glare at John and Rose smacked the back of his head. “Don't embarrass us,” Rose hissed.

“Hey, I don't mean anything by it, I was just about to say I've been in that situation before.”

“Speaking of, whatever did happen to Jade?” Karkat asked. “I haven't talked to her in a while.”

John shrugged and put on a pained expression. “Hell if I know. I haven't talked to her in years. These people may be able to be friends after a relationship, but biting my dick like that kind of put a strain on our relations as a whole.”

Suddenly, Meenah burst out laughing. “You're the poor sap Karkat told me about?” She asked. “The one who made a bet that one Super Bowl and your girlfriend nearly bit your dick off for it?”

Karkat laughed. “This would be the same guy, yeah.”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Rose corrected. “And what are they talking about?”

John blushed. “Um, nothing.”

“No no, go on,” Rose urged. “I didn't know you were into that.”

“I'm not!” John snapped. “Let's go, uh, get a drink.”

He turned to go, but Dave stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Wait a sec.” Dave turned John around and put his hands on his tie. “Your tie's a little loose. Lemme fix that for ya.” Dave tightened John's tie until John started coughing and grasping desperately for his neck. Rose rolled her eyes and turned John around so they could leave. As she fixed his tie, she shot a glare at Dave, who responded by pointing at his own bow tie as if to say “you asked for it.”

Once Meenah's laughter had finally calmed down, it was time for everyone to compose themselves for a totally serious ceremony where everyone cried. To Dave's immediate left stood Karkat, Dave's older brother, and Equius. Dirk Strider was a quiet, stoic man who let his boyfriend and eyebrows do most of the talking when he was involved in a conversation. He was probably the only pair of dry eyes in the house, but Karkat couldn't tell because he insisted on wearing stupid pointy anime shades. Dave at least had the decency to remove his shades, but he insisted Dirk wearing his were just “a thing that's better off if you just let it happen.”

To the right of where Terezi was going to be standing were Meenah, a woman Karkat hadn't had the chance to meet yet, and Nepeta. Karkat wondered why Equius' wife wasn't chosen instead, but before he could mull on that, the music playing shifted and out of the central pavilion walked Terezi, one arm laced around her father's, and one arm using her walking cane to probe the ground for any obstacles. Terezi and her beautiful, flowing gown were the most beautiful things Karkat had ever seen. Contrary to usual traditions, Terezi's gown was a very light teal color which only looked white in certain lighting. She slowly made her way up the steps to stand in front of Dave and Karkat couldn't see, but god damn it if Dave wasn't bawling his eyes out he was going to kill him. Terezi looked at Dave and her gaze seemed to settle on his left shoulder. Karkat leaned forward, whispering “one second, sorry,” before lightly placing his fingers under Terezi's chin and moving her head so her eyes stared into Dave's. “Sorry, it was bugging me,” Karkat whispered to some muffled laughter from the stands.

To Karkat's surprise and relief, the speech the officiant gave was short, sweet and to the point, unlike every other wedding Karkat had been to (which was about two.)

Unfortunately for him, the speeches didn't end there.

After a very moving, tearful and passionate kiss to seal the deal and about half an hour of picture taking, everyone present moved to inside the huge pavilion in the middle of the park for food and partying. During the down time, Terezi got to introduce Karkat to her best friend who was standing next to Meenah during the ceremony. “Karkat, Meenah, I want you to meet my very best friend in the whole world, Vriska.”

The woman waved at Karkat with an arm he would later learn was prosthetic and smiled. “Hey bitches. It's about time I meet the people Terezi couldn't shut up about.”

Meenah shot a playful smile back at her. “And it's about time I can meet the very best friend Terezi always tells us about. I thought you'd be taller.”

“I thought I would be too,” Vriska laughed. “I also thought I'd have both my arms.”

“It's okay,” Terezi said, patting Vriska's back. “At least you have _two_ guys who can't get enough of you.”

Vriska rolled her eyes. “Please, I have one weekend away from those yahoos. Let's not make me think about them again.”

“Sorry,” Terezi said. “I'll tell them the story. You go get a drink.”

“I can't wait to be done with the speech I have to give so I can get wasted,” Vriska replied. “By the way, thanks Meenah, for letting me give the bride's maid's—or whatever it's called—speech.”

“Hey, no problem,” Meenah replied. “I'm no good at speaking in front of big schools o' fish like this, so I'm glad to give it to you.”

“Meanwhile, I'm fucked,” Karkat said, dreading the speech he had to give.

“Yeah, good luck!” Vriska said. She laughed and walked off to grab a drink.

The itinerary for the night was made up of speeches delivered by Terezi's father, Dave's brother, Vriska and Karkat in that order. Terezi's father's speech ended with a tearful father-daughter dance set to some country song and it made Karkat curious as to what kind of dance Dave's brother would finish his speech with. As it turned out, Dave's brother was just as curt in his speech as Karkat expected. It lasted about a minute and ended with Dirk flashing a rock on handsign and walking off with his hands in his pockets. Karkat shook his head at the astounding lack of effort the Striders were capable of.

Vriska's speech was next and she was teary-eyed before she even started. “Oh great, I haven't even started speaking and I'm crying in front of a bunch of strangers.” She laughed before sniffling and continued. “Terezi has been my best friend since Kindergarten. I've known this girl longer than everyone in this room besides her parents! I remember in fourth grade when we labeled ourselves the Scourge Sisters. Holy shit, man.” Vriska paused to stare into space before snapping out of it. “Pardon my french, but man, I remember gossiping about the boys in high school, and now here I am giving a maid of honor speech. Well, I know I'm not _the_ maid of honor, but that's okay. We're so close it doesn't really matter.” The rest of her speech was mostly recapping the events of their lives from going to prom together to learning of Terezi's condition to the wedding. “And finally,” she concluded, “I know you want to know this, and I'm proud to say I was staring at Dave the entire time, and the fucker's face was _red_ , he was crying so hard. You're welcome, sis.”

After everyone shared a laugh and a toast, Dave's face was red for a different reason. Then it was Karkat's turn for the speech he had dreaded for a very long time.

“Before I say anything, I'd like to say thank you to Vriska. I wanted to know if he cried too and if he wasn't, I was gonna kick his ass myself.” Karkat sucked in a deep breath while everyone laughed. “Now, I'm gonna be frank: I'm not gonna lie, I met Dave...and _hated_ him. I hated his guts, I hated his hair, and I hated his stupid fucking sunglasses.” The room was quiet as he resisted the urge to ramble on. “Dave and I got off on the completely wrong foot. I loved Terezi like a sister, though, so I had to put up with him. Oh, and don't think I'm just bitter. He hated me too. Why? I dunno, but I hated him because I was so protective of Terezi that I was convinced that he would never deserve her love in a million fucking years.

“That all changed when I almost killed him though.” Everyone gasped and Karkat held up his hand that wasn't holding the microphone he was given. “Now now, I didn't mean to. Someone was speeding in the parking lot and well, I got physical. Almost killing Dave made me think, you know, maybe I should get to know Dave and try to be civil before deciding he was a complete and total douchebag. By the time Terezi's beautiful baby Trixie was born, I had learned that no, he was a total douchebag after all. But he's the same kind of douchebag I am, so by then, we were getting along.”

Karkat took a deep breath. “So much has happened since I moved into that dingy little apartment, and meeting today's happy couple has been arguably the most important thing. Without them, I wouldn't have met my wonderful girlfriend and I would probably still be fuming by myself in that little one-room. We've had our ups, downs, and really far downs, but through it all, I've made a friend in Dave that I probably would be lost without.

“Now, when I was asked to be Dave's best man, I gladly accepted; but about, oh, three weeks ago, I realized: _shit_ , I have to give a speech don't I? God damn it. I'm not one to speak in front of people, and I'm definitely not affectionate in front of people, but I hope this speech was enough to suffice. Thanks for having me Dave.” Karkat grabbed a glass of champagne and held it up in Dave's direction. “And after all these years, I've decided: You do deserve her love after all.” He made the toast and everyone drank, but when he swallowed his liquor, Karkat added one last thing. “However: if you ever hurt Terezi and I learn about it, I'm gonna punch you in your stupid smug face, got it?”

Everyone quieted down and attention shifted to Dave, who was giving an unimpressed face. Finally, he burst out laughing and clapped. “You got it, bro,” he said.

Karkat smiled. “That's what I like to hear. And fuck off, I'm not gonna dance with you.”

Karkat sat down with Meenah and later, Dave approached him. “Thanks for adjusting Terezi's face during the ceremony, Karkat.”

“What? Why are you thanking me for that?”

Dave smiled. “I was crying and you made me laugh. I guess I couldn't hide it after all, but I appreciate your effort into making me laugh.”

“I wasn't trying to make you laugh, I was trying to make it so you were looking at each other and it wasn't her looking at your shoulder.”

Dave shrugged. “You did both those things, how's that?”

“Fine, you're welcome,” Karkat said.

“Now good luck with your thing,” Dave said. He gave a thumbs up and left a nervous Karkat, a confused Meenah, and a bored Kendra who was getting restless in her fancy toddler clothing.

“What thing?” Meenah asked.

“Um,” Karkat gulped. “Well, um, there's a thing I have to do while we're here. And if I don't do that thing now, I'll ruin the whole thing.”

“What is it?” Meenah asked. “It can't be that important.”

Karkat started sweating and nervously tugged at his collar. “Um, well, I...” He stumbled out of his chair and got down on one knee. “Wait, fuck, shit. Hold on...” He dug around in his pocket for something and Meenah gasped, finally figuring out what was going on. Karkat grabbed a small box from his pocket and took a deep breath before presenting it to her. “I wanted to ask you to marry you—wait, fuck. I wanted to ask to marry you while we were at our best friends' weddings!”

Meenah smiled as her eyes filled with tears. She set Kendra down in the chair next to her before taking Karkat in a tight hug. “So I take that as a yes, then?” Karkat asked as they finally separated themselves.

Meenah hesitated, but finally replied, “No.”

* * *

 

It's not like Meenah didn't _want_ to marry Karkat. It was just that she didn't want to marry him _yet_. Meenah explained that she had always said that if she did get married it would be with a nice house to go home to. Not a little apartment, but a legitimate house in an actual neighborhood. Karkat completely understood and while he felt it was a bit anticlimactic of an answer considering the context of him popping the question, he immediately started working on getting a second job so they could one day own their very own house and finally get married.

His call center job just wasn't cutting it, so he managed to land a second job at a music store, selling CD's, movies, and the occasional porn to sweaty guys in their thirties. Meenah also decided to get her first job since having Kendra and somehow managed to get hired by an aquarium as a tour guide. Working three jobs between the two of them was stressful to say the least, and it meant they could hardly ever see each other. When they could, however, they usually spent those weekends with friends. One weekend was spent with the two people in the apartment building who were only friends in the very loosest sense of the word. Horuss and Rufioh insisted it had been too long since they were all together, so Meenah finally indulged them and the four adult and one baby spent one afternoon gathered around a table playing some card game. Karkat fumbled through the game, not paying as much attention to it as he was to Horuss' creepy behavior. He didn't think anything in the world—including marriage—would get him off Meenah's back. Unfortunately, these thoughts wound up sort of manifesting when Karkat accidentally mentioned Dave and Terezi's wedding. At the mention of it, Horuss gasped. “Did you two get married?” He demanded.

“Whoa whoa whoa, cool your jets, yo,” Meenah assured him. “We ain't hitched. It was Dave and Terezi's wedding.”

“Oh, those cats we were hanging out with during those Halloween parties?” Rufioh asked.

“The blind one and the one with the aviators, yeah.” Meenah answered. “We went to their wedding a month or so ago.”

“Oh, I'm so happy for them!” Horuss clapped. “I wish we could have come, but I understand. We don't know them well enough. No matter. When are you two next, huh?” Horuss asked with a raised eyebrow.

Meenah shrugged. “Who knows.”

“Well we better be the first to know when you know, okay?”

Karkat made a displeased noise. “Um, no.”

“Wait, what?” Horuss asked.

“You will be far from the first ones to know,” Karkat said. “There are like, a million people in line in front of you. Included but not limited to our parents, Dave, Terezi, Sollux, his wife, hell I'd rather tell a horsefly before I told you.” Karkat spat this list only slightly aware of the fact that he was probably starting to burn a bridge that he wasn't sure he wanted to burn. He was vaguely aware he was starting a fight, but he didn't really feel the need or the want to stop himself.

Rufioh crossed his arms. “Come again, _compadre_?”

“You heard me,” Karkat said.

“But why?” Horuss asked, obviously hurt by the statement.

“Because you'd be so creepy about the whole thing,” Karkat explained. “You'd probably come to the wedding dressed in a fucking horse costume and excuse me if I'd rather not see you castrate yourself in front of your 'princess.'”

Horuss gasped. “Meenah, he doesn't mean that, does he?”

Meenah shifted nervously. “Well, do you want the truth or...?”

“That's it,” Rufioh said, slamming his hand down on the table and standing up fast. He stomped over to Karkat and grabbed him by the collar before lifting him out of his seat. “I'm not gonna let you insult me and my boyfriend like that.”

“It's not an insult if it's true,” Karkat said, gripping Rufioh's hand hard. “Now let me go.”

Rufioh pushed Karkat away, causing the shorter man to stumble over a chair and nearly fall over. “Let's go, Horuss.”

Karkat regained his composure and threw a punch at Rufioh. The taller man wasn't hurt too bad by Karkat's somewhat weak upper arm strength, but his surprise at the blow caused him to fall on his ass. “Don't disrespect me in my own fucking house, got it?” Karkat demanded, letting his voice raise to a yell.

Rufioh got up and rubbed his cheek. He shot a vicious glare at Karkat, but before he could return fire, Horuss grabbed his arm and pulled feebly. “Come on, Rufioh. Let's just go,” he pleaded, struggling to hold back tears. Rufioh's glare softened as he finally agreed and the two saw themselves out while Meenah attended to Kendra, who was startled and disturbed by Karkat's outburst.

Karkat sighed heavily. “Oops. Looks like I lost you some childhood friends... Sorry about that.” Before Meenah could respond, he turned and stormed into their room, barely stopping himself from slamming the door.

Moments later, Meenah entered their room cradling Kendra. “Well, that was fun.”

“I'm sorry,” Karkat said. “I didn't mean to make you lose your friends. I just...work's been stressful and I couldn't just quietly hate them anymore.”

Meenah put Kendra in his lap. Kendra smiled at her dad and the two immediately started playing. Karkat's mood was already lightening as Meenah was thinking about what to say. “Well, you do know I'm not exactly crazy about horse-boy's behavior.”

“Yes,” Karkat said.

“And you and Rufioh have never gotten along.”

“Correct.”

Meenah sighed. “Look, I was actually thinking about dumping them too, to be honest.”

“Really?” Karkat asked.

“Well, I was gonna let them down easier than starting a fist fight, but yeah. I don't want those sweaty assholes stinking up my wedding, you know?”

Karkat smiled. “Yeah. Well, sorry I did it so harshly, but I guess they're off our backs now.”

“That's right,” Meenah said with a pat on the back. “You did good, Karkat.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

 

Many years, a couple of promotions, and one job change later, Karkat stood with his three best friends Dave, Sollux, and one Gamzee Makara and watched as Meenah's portly father escorted his fuchsia-draped princess to the altar. Meenah's accompaniment included Terezi, Feferi, and a woman named Aranea, who all wore dresses to compliment Meenah's ensemble. In the little garden behind a local event center, Karkat and Meenah wed after a six-year-old Kendra proudly presented their fancy wedding rings to them. The resulting party lasted long after Kendra, her best friend Trixie and their new friend Marcus fell asleep at the kids' table and once everything was wrapped up, Karkat, Terezi, Dave and Meenah stood facing each other in the parking lot. “Well, I guess this is goodbye,” Dave said as he struggled to keep his sleeping child in his arms.

“Nah,” Meenah insisted. “We still know where that dingy apartment building is and we still know where your apartment is, so expect lotsa visits.”

“Yeah, you won't get rid of us that easy,” Karkat said.

Terezi sniffled. “I'm gonna miss having you two living right above us. And Trixie is too.”

“I'll miss it too,” Karkat admitted. “But just because we don't live right by each other doesn't mean we're done being friends. So what if it's a twenty minute drive? We'll still see each other.”

“Promise?” Terezi said, barely holding back tears.

“Promise,” Karkat and Meenah said in unison. After tearful goodbye hugs and one stoic handshake from Dave, Karkat and Meenah piled into their car and drove off for their new home, which they had just finished moving into the previous day. On the drive there, Karkat kept replaying Dave's speech in his head over and over again.

“If you were at my wedding—which, not many of you were—you'd know that Karkat didn't like me when we first met. And yeah, I'll admit, I didn't like him much either. ...Okay, you broke me, I hated his guts too. But then he almost killed me—” Another gasp. “—and then we kissed and made up. Alright, I'm lying about the made up part. See, the thing about Karkat is that he's rude, he's crass, he's loud, and he's kind of annoying. But above all, he's probably the greatest friend I've ever made. Once you get past his exoskeleton of rude and nasty, he's a caring friend who will go to any length to make sure you're okay. He's almost more protective of my wife than I am, and that's saying something.

“Basically, if Karkat likes you, he'll care for you and you'll be in some of the best hands imaginable.” These words played in Karkat's head as he pulled into his fancy new driveway that was all his own next to a new-ish purple car that belonged solely to his new wife. They piled out of the car and took a good long look at the house they bought with their own money.

“It's perfect. For all of us.” He said.

“All four of us,” Meenah agreed.

“Wait, wha...?” Karkat looked over at Meenah to see her hand rest on her stomach. “You're...? For how long?”

Meenah shrugged. “Only a couple months.” She answered with a smile.

Karkat returned her smile and nodded. “Right. Perfect for all four of us.”

Karkat's past was indeed filled to burst with strange, exciting, memorable events. But as they walked into their new house and the final words of Dave's speech played again in his head, Karkat decided that the chapter of his life that lived in that apartment building was over, and it was time to close the book on the past and look to the future. It was time to focus on making new memories in this exciting new chapter of his life. No, not only his life, but those of his wife and soon-to-be-two kids.

Dave's words echoed one last time: “Meenah and Karkat's relationship is one of the most loving and understanding I've ever seen, and I am so, so, so happy for them. After this ceremony, they're going to start the next era, I guess you could say, of their lives, and that means they will no longer be living on the floor directly above us. But that's okay and although there's significant pains in my chest, I still wish you both the best with a fond...” He flashed a middle finger. “Fuck you.

“One more thing I have to say to the happy couple and then I'll leave y'all be: please don't make me deliver a speech again.

“Or else next time, I'll rap it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 15th of October, the day this chapter was posted, is the two year anniversary of my posting the very first chapter of this fic on Tumblr, so I thought it would just be fitting if I posted the tenth and final chapter today. Thank you so much to everyone who kept up with this fic series despite the long periods between installments, thanks especially to the person who put up with two years of me rambling about these two knuckleheads (you know who you are,) and I hope you all enjoyed keeping up with Meenah and Karkat's hijinks as much as I enjoyed writing them. See you next fic!


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